Question 6:
One day, over breakfast, my girlfriend casually brought up incorporating something bizarre into our sexual routine. I was surprised but thought it would be fun to try, and she suggested sploshing. However, I’m not keen on the idea of eating my breakfast off her, especially when it’s, say, my favorite meal of nasi lemak and coffee. I could pretend to enjoy it but I have an extremely strong gag reflex. How do I talk to her about this?

Dr. Martha Lee Sploshing is a sexual and sensual food party, in which participants cover each other in foods of different tastes, textures, and temperatures. Eating the food off each other is optional. Have an open conversation with your girlfriend and understand what her specific ideas about engaging in such activities are. For instance, does she see herself being the dominant, the “top,” “in charge,” or being the submissive, the “bottom,” the subservient partner? Ask her what she already knows and if she has had any prior experience. You most definitely want to get educated first before agreeing to engage in any activity!

David Tian Well, it sounds like you and your girlfriend have a very lively sex life! Congratulations! A good time to bring this up would be the next time you’re in bed in post-coital bliss. To be honest, I’m having a hard time imagining how the coffee part is supposed to work. Does she want you to balance the hot cup on her tummy as if she were a table? Or does she want to be coated in coffee and have you lick it off her? If that’s not your cup of tea, suggest an alternative. How about starting with something everyone likes, like chocolate-dipped strawberries and whipped cream? Or how about edible panties?

Mrs. Ivy Singh-Lim Well, it sounds like you and your girlfriend have a very lively sex life! Congratulations! A good time to bring this up would be the next time you’re in bed in post-coital bliss. To be honest, I’m having a hard time imagining how the coffee part is supposed to work. Does she want you to balance the hot cup on her tummy as if she were a table? Or does she want to be coated in coffee and have you lick it off her? If that’s not your cup of tea, suggest an alternative. How about starting with something everyone likes, like chocolate-dipped strawberries and whipped cream? Or how about edible panties?

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Question 5:
I’m a woman but I feel an intense physical attraction to my female colleague, who is married with three children. I think she feels the same way. Should I do something or would I just be causing trouble for everyone?

Violet Lim If I were you, I’d take a step back because I don’t want to be the one who destroys someone else’s marriage and family. Like you say, you don’t know how happy she is in her marriage. But the fact that she’s still married means she is still keen to make it work. Also, she has three children. We all know that children grow up better in a normal family than a family where the parents are divorced. If she does like you, can you live with the fact that you are a home wrecker?

Mrs. Ivy Singh-Lim If I were you, I’d take a step back because I don’t want to be the one who destroys someone else’s marriage and family. Like you say, you don’t know how happy she is in her marriage. But the fact that she’s still married means she is still keen to make it work. Also, she has three children. We all know that children grow up better in a normal family than a family where the parents are divorced. If she does like you, can you live with the fact that you are a home wrecker?

Dr. Norman Li Letting her know is easy. The next time you’re alone, simply tell her. You’ll find out if she’s ready to start something. The hard part is dealing with potentially wrecking a family. I’ve seen this exact scenario play out before—the two women ended up fairly happy and moved in with each other but I can’t say the same for the husband and children.

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Question 4:
I’ve been with the same man for a year now and though it hasn’t been that long, I can safely say that I know him well. I know he’s cheating on me—I can feel it in my bones. But every time I question his whereabouts, he accuses me of not trusting him. I end up keeping my mouth shut because I feel guilty and swallow my suspicion only to have it rear its ugly head again when he acts up. Should I start spying?

Mrs. Ivy Singh-Lim If you don’t trust him, find somebody else you can trust. You are the problem—love him as he is and don’t become a victim. Know the beast you are with. What motivates him—his cock or his conscience? Therein lies the answer.

Dr. Norman Li If you A) just can’t let it go, B) would end the relationship if you found him cheating and C) would not spy on him again if you found nothing, then go ahead and spy. Keep in mind that when we date someone more attractive than ourselves, we feel insecure because our partner probably can do better than us if he or she wanted to. If we are constantly suspicious, we are showing our weaker hand.

David Tian, Ph.D. If he’s really been lying to you, merely questioning him about it won’t get him to confess. You will need to do enough digging around to satiate your own suspicions. Until you have solid evidence he is cheating though, you should keep your mouth shut about it as it will do no one any good. If it turns out you were wrong and he is innocent, you had better make it up to him in a very, very big way. Use your imagination.

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Question 3:
My girlfriend is just the sweetest person ever. Everything’s going peachy except the sex. It took me awhile to admit this because I didn’t want to look like an asshole; I believe everything takes time. But it has been six months now! I know what the problem is—she’s lazy. She expects me to do all the work for her and just lays there like a fallen log. How do I get her to put a little more effort into sex without offending her?

Dr. Norman Li It’s possible she doesn’t feel comfortable initiating anything. So, in the heat of the moment, ask her to do something specific. If she’s really the sweetest person ever, she will be happy to grant a request.

David Tian, Ph.D. If you want to receive, you have to give. My guess is she just lays there like a “fallen log” because you haven’t been arousing her enough. Try spending more time on foreplay and building sexual tension and anticipation. People like to reciprocate. If you can bring your woman to great heights of intense pleasure, then trust me, she will bend over backwards in her efforts to please you. What arouses a woman sexually is quite different from what does it for a man. It would help if you knew what turns a woman on in bed. Why not learn firsthand from the words of women directly? Start with a classic anthology of female sexuality, My Secret Garden by Nancy Friday.

Violet Lim Well, there are a few possibilities here. She might not have had any sexual experience before this, and hence does not know how to enjoy sex. Some women are also brought up to think sex is dirty. So she might just be going through it all to please you. Or, it could be your own sexual performance is nothing much to shout about and she’s reacting accordingly. Nevertheless, it’s good to be open and honest. Because the longer this drags on, the more it’s going to strain your relationship.

Dr. Martha Lee Have you had any discussion about sex or asked her how the sex is for her? I continue to be amazed by the number of couples who have sex but never have any meaningful conversations about it and how to make it better for each other. To you, she is “the sweetest person ever.” Does that mean she can’t tell you the truth because she doesnt want to hurt your feelings, especially when it comes to sex? Or is she just shy when it comes to sex? Is she getting as much out of sex as you think she is? For instance, is sex pleasurable or painful? Would she like more foreplay? Is she lubricated enough? Ask her some of these questions and really listen.

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Question 2:
I work in PR, which means I should know how to read women’s signals very well, right? Well, I don’t know if I’m just unlucky or if women these days are getting more complicated. Two weeks ago, I asked this girl I’d met on Twitter to watch some DVDs at my place. Halfway through a movie, I placed a hand on her thigh and she freaked out. That’s not the only time something like this has happened. A girl I’d only known for five minutes at a club asked me for coffee after a night of dancing and when I leant in for a kiss after sending her home, she snubbed me. What the hell is going on?

Violet Lim There could only be two things that are happening here. First, you could be assuming too much. Second, the girls might like you when they first get to know you but as the date proceeds, they realize that they do not want to have anything more to do with you, hence their reactions. Either way, the common denominator here is you. Take responsibility rather than allocate the blame. I advise you to reassess yourself, your life, as well as your dating aspirations. Are you just looking to sleep with women on a first date? Or are you looking to settle down eventually and be in a lasting and committed relationship? Because if it’s the latter, it’s time you rein in those raging hormones and spend more time getting to know her better on the first date.

David Tian, Ph.D. Sir, you’re meeting women off Twitter? Ah, a sign of the times. When a woman comes on really strong, let her lead. Obviously, she’s comfortable doing so. In situations when the lady is the one escalating things, if she hasn’t put a hand on your thigh yet, don’t start touching her thigh. If she hasn’t started kissing you, don’t lean in for a kiss yet. Just follow her lead, be patient and the magic will happen. Don’t jump all over her or you’ll make her feel like a slut.

Mrs. Ivy Singh-Lim Perhaps you have a cold and clammy hand or bad breath. Why don’t you just say, “Would you like me to f**k you?” or “Would you like it in the front or back?” Don’t waste time. Life is too short. You don’t have to go to a DVD shop or have coffee after dancing. Just make your intentions known with a simple question.

Dr. Martha LeeYou may be a PR executive but that does not mean the skill sets you have honed for work are always transferable to your personal life. In the future, you do not want to make the assumption that just because a woman agrees to watch DVDs at your place, it means that she wants to be touched in any form or manner. As for the second incident you described, the girl asked you for coffee because she wanted to get to know you outside of the club—plain and simple. You sent her home but that didn’t mean she was ready to be kissed. You could have asked, “Can I have a kiss?” She would have replied either yes or no. When in doubt, ask. The consent has to be explicit.

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Question 1:
After a heated argument with my boyfriend of three years, I ransacked his overnight bag and found receipts from men’s spas and gay bars. I also found pictures on his phone of him posing with a rather good-looking man. How am I supposed to react to this?

Dr. Norman Li As a three-year relationship partner, you’ll need to ask him what’s going on! Try to keep calm though; if he has been struggling with his sexual orientation for quite a while, he may not want to disclose anything to a hostile girlfriend. Research shows that men tend to be “gay, straight or lying”—they tend not to be sexually aroused by both men and women. So if he’s gay, your relationship is probably not going to work out in the long run.

David Tian, Ph.D. If a man is frequenting gay spas and bars and hiding that fact from his girlfriend, then the chances that he is gay are very high. Now the only question is whether he’s still interested in women too. I suggest you sit down with your boyfriend and discuss honestly and openly with him what you’ve found and how you feel about it. If you can be happy with a bisexual boyfriend, and if he still feels sexually attracted to you and to women in general, then this might work out for you, after all. But prepare for a rocky ride ahead.

Mrs. Ivy Singh-LimIf you can’t also love the beast in the person with you, you have two choices: Send it to the zoo or kill it. Life is too short and too beautiful. Why all the wasted energy to check on him? Use it for a better f**k.

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On the scale of difficult things to do, navigating the world of dating and sustaining a healthy relationship over time are surely up there with persuading a 12-year-old girl that Justin Bieber did not create the universe and everything in it. Thankfully, some people know more about it than most. We rounded up the leaders in the field and presented them with some fiendishly difficult real-life scenarios. Suffice it to say that all of us can learn from their answers.
 

Meet our experts:

Dr. Martha Lee is a certified sexologist with a Doctorate in Human Sexuality and holds sex and intimacy workshops through Eros Coaching (www.eroscoaching.com), which she founded.

David Tian, Ph.D. is a leading lifestyle and dating coach in Singapore. Since 2007, he has personally coached hundreds of people to success in reaching their dating and relationship goals and now serves Singapore’s Aura Dating Academy (www.auradating.com) as head mentor.

Dr. Norman Li (www.normli.com) is an Associate Professor of Psychology at Singapore Management University and is a leading scholar on human mate selection and strategies from an evolutionary perspective.

Mrs. Ivy Singh-Lim co-owns a 10-acre farm called Bollywood Veggies (www.bollywoodveggies.com) with her husband, the former CEO of NTUC Fairprice. When they decided to get married, one was desperate and the other was drunk; even so, they have been happily married for 28 years.

Violet Lim is the co-founder of lunch dating company Lunch Actually (www.lunchactually.com), as well as Eteract, Asia’s first online speed dating portal. Lim is also an established speaker, sharing tips on dating and relationships at selected seminars, workshops and even weddings.

The Real-Life Scenarios

Question 1:
After a heated argument with my boyfriend of three years, I ransacked his overnight bag and found receipts from men’s spas and gay bars. I also found pictures on his phone of him posing with a rather good-looking man. How am I supposed to react to this? Answer

Question 2:
I work in PR, which means I should know how to read women’s signals very well, right? Well, I don’t know if I’m just unlucky or if women these days are getting more complicated. Two weeks ago, I asked this girl I’d met on Twitter to watch some DVDs at my place. Halfway through a movie, I placed a hand on her thigh and she freaked out. That’s not the only time something like this has happened. A girl I’d only known for five minutes at a club asked me for coffee after a night of dancing and when I leant in for a kiss after sending her home, she snubbed me. What the hell is going on? Answer

Question 3:
My girlfriend is just the sweetest person ever. Everything’s going peachy except the sex. It took me awhile to admit this because I didn’t want to look like an asshole; I believe everything takes time. But it has been six months now! I know what the problem is—she’s lazy. She expects me to do all the work for her and just lays there like a fallen log. How do I get her to put a little more effort into sex without offending her? Answer

Question 4:
I’ve been with the same man for a year now and though it hasn’t been that long, I can safely say that I know him well. I know he’s cheating on me—I can feel it in my bones. But every time I question his whereabouts, he accuses me of not trusting him. I end up keeping my mouth shut because I feel guilty and swallow my suspicion only to have it rear its ugly head again when he acts up. Should I start spying? Answer

Question 5:
I’m a woman but I feel an intense physical attraction to my female colleague, who is married with three children. I think she feels the same way. Should I do something or would I just be causing trouble for everyone? Answer

Question 6:
One day, over breakfast, my girlfriend casually brought up incorporating something bizarre into our sexual routine. I was surprised but thought it would be fun to try, and she suggested sploshing. However, I’m not keen on the idea of eating my breakfast off her, especially when it’s, say, my favorite meal of nasi lemak and coffee. I could pretend to enjoy it but I have an extremely strong gag reflex. How do I talk to her about this? Answer

I was just a normal kid who dreamed of being a pilot, a soldier or maybe an astronaut. Things that were probably unrealistic, but I was young.

The pivotal moment in my life happened when I was studying political science at Chulalongkorn University.

I had a vision of being the Prime Minister and fixing all the problems in our country. After witnessing what really goes on in the Thai government, I decided to give up and stay away from politics.

When I was studying, Thais would do anything the government told them. They didn’t have respect for their own rights or power as Thai citizens. Their allegiance lay with certain politicians rather than a political party or platform.

The power has shifted to the public today. Sometimes I feel a bit frightened because I think too much power is in the hands of citizens who are able to abuse it by irresponsible protesting.

My grandfather [Dr. Sujit Hiranpruk, a high ranking civil servant who worked for the Foreign Ministy] told me that the best political theory is communism, because everyone is equal and follows the same path.

But eat, shit, screw and sleep is all humans want. Taking advantage of others is human nature.

People should just live their lives happily. Don’t get stressed too much over politics. Elections are the only time we can change how our country is run. In the meantime we can’t do much to fix anything.

I had an easy upbringing. I never really had to go through much hardship. Everyone that went to university with me came from middle to upper class families.

Everyone wanted the same thing: a good job, a good reputation and living with satisfaction. But we were practically brainwashed into striving for the glitz and glamour of fame without noticing it.

I started working while I was still in college because I wanted to buy things. I acted and did whatever job came along and made a lot of money. I thought to myself, “Should I go back and work for the government and take a lower wage?” I decided to stick to show business because I had a better opportunity there already.

If I hadn’t worked as an actor back then, I might be a local government official right now.

I don’t believe a career in this industry has to be short. It’s really up to how much you can improve yourself and your skills. I think studying political science benefited me because it taught me how to manage my life and career.

You always have to have a plan B when your screen time starts to decrease. I have to build up my fortune by establishing my own companies. If I don’t do this I won’t have money to do anything like buying a house or a car.

My company is currently producing fourteen different television shows. I have a satellite channel, resorts and I am doing acting in stage plays such as Ruang Lao Kuen Fhao Pee (see BK+ page 30).

I don’t multitask. I don’t divide my time up. I just do it. I can’t just wait for jobs to come up. I have to work as hard as I can all the time. But typically, I act for three days and work in my office the rest of the week.

The entertainment industry definitely doesn’t offer stability. Yet, acting is the one thing I do where I get to relax and express my true emotions. There aren’t a lot of responsibilities while on the job, aside from memorizing lines.

I think acting on stage is more satisfying than television. It’s a real challenge because every performance is raw and live. The applause and feedback from the audience brings such pleasure that other jobs just can’t offer. It makes me feel like I’m at the peak of my acting career.

My family was initially kind of worried about this career. It meant I wouldn’t have the chance to go study abroad or do something else. Now they see that I’m able to support myself and they’re not that concerned.

Love is a great thing. It forces us to set goals and give reasons for everything that we do.

BK: What did you do before coming to Thailand?
Luke: I was working in the tech industry for 8 or 9 years. When the tech bubble burst I didn’t know what to do with my life. I talked to my yoga trainer and asked him. He told me that maybe I was simply in the wrong career and that I should learn to become a yoga trainer. So I went to India to learn the art. When I was in India I visited Thailand where I told myself I’d stay a year. One year turned into six.

BK: After six years, what have you learned about Thailand?
Luke: I’m studying at Ramkhaemhang University with students who are paying B25 a credit. At the same time, I’m teaching people who can afford to pay B3,000 a month to practice yoga. There really is such a divide. I’m always learning.

BK: What’s the story with your TV show Farang Pok Pok?
Luke: A friend of mine told me about the position, so I tried out and I’ve filmed six episodes so far. All my friends are saying “Wow! You’re doing a TV show!” but it really has a very backpacker-theme, it isn’t hiso. It’s about living like real people do. It’s such an experience. I recently stayed at a house that used a car battery for electricity. Filming is challenging! Speaking Thai in front of the camera isn’t easy. The other thing is that I don’t actually watch TV, so I wasn’t sure what to do.

BK: What’s your hometown like?
Luke: I come from a small city in America. At home you can go to the local bar and the bartender will say, “Hey, I got a present for you,” and he’ll bring you out a pound of deer meat.

BK: Has traveling changed your perceptions?
Luke: Through the TV show I’ve also learned that you really don’t need a lot of money to live an agricultural lifestyle. I had dinner with a family one time where the host built a fire to cook the rice, went outside and gathered up some vegetables from the garden and served us all dinner.

BK: What has been your craziest experience thus far?
Luke: Well, the riots were pretty scary. I’d stocked up enough food for a few days and then I’d just stay in my apartment and practice yoga. Yoga has built such a strong foundation that I was able to steady and focus my mind during it all.

BK: Do you plan to stay here permanently?
Luke: I like it here. I’m in a relationship, I have a good job, I’ll soon graduate and I just wrote a book that’ll be coming out in July. Who knows? I’d really like to stay, though.

BK: Can you tell us about any upcoming projects?
Luke: I’ve just started to film a documentary. Info will be released on my website soon, www.luke.org. Interview by Cole Pennington and Sritala Dhanasarnsombut

Tell us more about your release with Dragonette, "Animale." Are we going to go crazy on the dancefloor or what?
Absolutely! I had finished the instrumental version for "Animale" in the studio and sent it over to Martina, the lead singer of Dragonette. She loved it and had a primal feeling when she heard it the first time, so we came up with the "Animale" hook. When “Animale” was used for the opening choreography of this year’s So You Think You Can Dance show, the record exploded in Holland and Belgium and now it's set for a worldwide release in early April. Make sure you check out the official music video for it on Youtube as well, it will change your perspective on oranges and bananas for the rest of your life!

You’ve remixed for the likes of Chemical Brothers, Cassius, Public Enemy and even Iggy Pop. How do you normally approach your remixing work?
I always try to look at what is best for the song, not what is best for me or what would be logical. The most important thing is that a remix actually has something in there that is still recognizable from the original track. That is also why I really have to like the original if I am going to do a remix for it.

The neutrals out of the music industry may not know how challenging it is. What are the pros/cons of being in the business?
For me it has always been about the music and never about the money or the business stuff around it. Unfortunately you will just have to deal with it, even though the music industry is changing rapidly. There is more competition and it's easier for people to just grab your music from the Internet for free. The role and influence of record companies is getting less significant by the day and I actually think it's a great development that people from all over the world are downloading my music, even if it's for free and I don't get paid for it. This has allowed me to tour all across the globe these last few years, even though I have yet to release my debut artist album!

What you are working on currently?
At the moment I'm touring a lot and in between I'm trying to finish off my debut artist album which I hope to release later this year. Besides that I have a new side project coming up as well called "Why are we whispering?" This is a collaboration between myself and an amazingly talented Canadian rapper called Ish. We just shot the video for our first single "Satellites" and the sound is a big fusion between electro, pop, dubstep and drum and bass.

What gets you mad?
I'm definitely not a big fan of bad warm-up DJ's, screaming children on intercontinental flights, bad breath, cold showers, unprofessional people and sleep deprivation.

You’ll be rocking it at Zirca; what can we expect?
Lots of new music, a big mash-up of styles and a heavy dose of energy!

Soak up the party vibes with Don Diablo at Disco Vendetta feat. Inquisitive on Mar 18, 10pm. Zirca, #01-02/05 Blk. C The Cannery, Clarke Quay, River Valley Rd., 6333-4168. $15-28 includes two drinks.