“To all of our visiting guests from around the world, we would just like to say what a pleasure it is to welcome you to Bangkok. We trust that you will have a memorable stay and that you will return home with fond memories of our quaint town. We also hope you will encourage your compatriots to visit during this traditionally slow time of the year, especially in the capital where we have a glut of high-end hotel rooms, and to invest in our stock market.

Dear Loong Maew,Hi again! Its me­—Daeng, 7. I hope u remember me. And I hope u cud read the letters I sent u beefor. I missd u a lot. And I no all the Thai peepel missd u a lot, 2. Xcep maybe my Dad. My Dad says u shuld move to Singapoor. But he jus joke, na! Who wud want to live in Singapoor! 555. He is so funee!Did u half fun wen u were traveling aroun the world? U were visiting yur friens, right? Thats so kool! U half a lot of frien. Do u no Tom Hang? He was in Castaway! If I was rich I bet I wud half a lot of frien, 2.I think u like to rite letters­—same as me!

Now that the campaign to ban the movie The Da Vinci Code from audiences under 16 years-of-age is a complete success, it is time to aim for a much more ambitious goal.We must next urge a complete ban on all stories beginning with the words “once upon a time.” It does not matter whether the stories are presented in book, film, video, cartoon or any other form. The same basic reason applies.The continued promulgation of such stories could pull apart our united society, which is founded upon certain shared beliefs.

Censorship…searching for WWII treasure…trouble in the South…war against drugs—don’t these sound a bit too familiar? Next thing you know Purachai will be back in town telling us what time we should go to bed. At least “alien jelly” is new.We know how those hamsters feel. Here we are, running our asses off, and we never seem to get anywhere. Can’t we just move on? Please? To get things started, here’s a list of things we could really do without.Nuisance libel suits.

Dear ASEAN Friends,Normally when someone gets mad at us we just smile, giggle nervously and then avoid making eye contact until the problem goes away. But, strangely enough, this tried-and-true formula hasn’t been working too well lately, so we thought it would be a good idea to send out this little note. (What do you think about this new stationery?

We heartily congratulate Derek Lim, 6, on his winning the Under-7 title at the World Schools Chess Championships in Halkidiki, Greece. According to World Chess Federation General Secretary Ignatius Leong, “It’s the first time any Singaporean has won a world title in chess.” It’s a real achievement.But what we would like to know is: Did he create any ghost in his journey to the top? In chess, a ghost is an imaginary threat on the chessboard. More generally, it is also an example of misdirection.Misdirection is found in jokes like the following. Question: What can you never eat at breakfast?

There’s more going on than just celebrity shotgun weddings. Let’s see if you’ve been paying attention by taking May’s news quiz, which was conceived by the bright minds behind the O-Net and A-Net exams. (So don’t expect the results anytime soon.)Which of the following is not the name of a new political party?a. Thai Groundnut Partyb. Thai Chuay Tua Aeng Partyc. Non-Stop DJ Action Partyd. Puppet PartyWhat is the definition of “unusually wealthy”?a. Being worth more than 10 times the net worth of the average citizen.b.

“Every country has the government it deserves.”                                                 — Joseph de Maistre, 1811 

Following in the footsteps of democracy-loving leaders like Richard Nixon, our caring caretaker premier is rumored to have recorded all of his phone conversations. After minor editing, the story goes, the Dolby digital recordings (with full surround sound) will be archived in the newly christened Thai Rak Thai library for posterity. Some hypothetical excerpts:Caller (Unidentified 50-Something Male Voice Speaking in Thai-Accented English With a Slight Texas Twang): Ni hao, Premier Wen! This is Thaksin. How’s it hangin’?Receiver: Uh, “hangin’”? Low?

It cannot be coincidence. Nothing this significant ever happens in Singapore by coincidence. What are we talking about? We’re talking about the 6,500 cubic meters of hot air now hovering above town—just at the time when the mainstream media is desperately trying to get every apathetic person all excited about an impending election, finally announced for May 6.True, the aforesaid hot air is cleverly disguised as a helium balloon tethered at Bugis Junction and floating 40 storeys above the ground. It’s emblazoned with the sponsor’s logo in bright red and yellow across the balloon.