In our continuing efforts to promote literacy and legalize gambling, here is this month’s official news quiz.Under the proposed “Eavesdropping Bill,” state officials will be allowed to:a. Listen to your phone conversations just because they don’t like you.b. Read your mail and email just because they don’t like you.c. Log which websites you visit just because they don’t like you.d. Drop really heavy eaves (but only with probable cause).Which of the following statements by the “Paesano Six” is a complete fabrication?a.

Don’t be shy! Now you, too, can write letters to your favorite world leaders. BK makes it easy with this handy template. (It’s free to try for 30 days, but if you really like it and continue to use it please send us a token B73 billion.) To provide you with some inspiration, we’ve filled this one out. But remember: No red because it’s mai suparb!

Good morning, class.(A chorus of voices): Good-mor-ning tea-cher!Ah, so many bright faces today—in such freshly washed and pressed uniforms! But of course we always look this nice—don’t we class?—not just when we have such distinguished-looking visitors.(Motioning toward group of adults standing in the back of the room): Class, our guests are in Thailand for the World University Presidents Summit. They are all very smart and very famous. For example, this is Lord Chris Patten, who was president of Hong Kong until he was kicked out by the Chinese. And this is Dr.

A democratic vote is a sacred thing, whose integrity must be protected at all times and at all costs. Or so we have all been told.Which explains our surprise, shock and horror to learn that a recent sacred voting process in Singapore has gone seriously awry. We’re referring, of course, to the incident in the Singapore Idol contest—where what was explained as a “technical glitch” prevented the vote count for several hours. The result: songbird Mathilda D’Silva thought she had made it into the Final 12, only to discover later that the real winner of that slot was Nurul Maideen.

There are times when it’s necessary to put one’s personal well-being aside for the sake of the common good. So (deep breath), here goes... That “charismatic” and “influential” individual who is being blamed for destabilizing the government, global warming and cruelty to puppies? You guessed it: That’s us.“Of course!” you say. No one is overflowing with more clout and behind-the-scenes power than BK. As for charisma, we’re up to here in charisma, baby. This is not to suggest that we are behind any conspiracy to oust Chairman Maew through undemocratic means.

Should Singapore hire native speakers to help us all speak good English?

The word has gone out—smile! The reason? Some 16,000 delegates are coming to town for the International Monetary Fund and World Bank meetings in September, and Singapore wants us to welcome them with 4 million smiles, showing what a happy (not to mention Orwellian) place this is.OK, sure, we’re glad the fat-cat bankers and money guys are coming. But if the organizers really want people to be smiley come September, we can suggest a few things that would definitely put us in the party mood:1. Announce another progress package next year. No next month.2.

There is an old saying: “It’s no use locking the barn door after the horse has bolted.” That was the first thing that came to our minds when we discovered the Institute of Policy Studies has come out with survey findings on how our electorate views various aspects of the political landscape here.It found that the traditional “bread and butter” issues are not what matter most to the people of Singapore. Instead, it discovered that the people’s top interests are efficient and fair government, and the need for checks and balances in Parliament.

Welcome, dear readers, to this month’s news quiz. Pencils ready?Why has a coalition of conservation groups filed a petition to close the Chiang Mai Night Safari?a. The animals are suffering from vitamin D deficiency due to lack of sunlight.b. It was illegally built in a national park.c. In response to sagging attendance, the management has a plan to paint all of the animals blue.d. They were angry that the “endangered species degustation menu” didn’t include matching wines.What is an acceptable means of venting your frustration when you are unable to make calls on your mobile phone?a.

A minister has publicly denounced a “clever and funny”—and by now famous—podcast of a dispute between a bak chor mee vendor and his customer, commenting that such humor could detract from serious political issues.