This year’s Fourth of July celebrations were overshadowed by a diplomatic scandal involving leaked documents. Hackers have released into the public domain a series of cables entitled “How to Make Singaporeans Adore Your National Holidays”. Addressed to the Philippines, whose independence day parade plans last month were fraught with criticism, the correspondence appears to be advice from countries whose national holidays have been adopted with enthusiasm by Singaporeans. Here are some of the highlights:

From the Germans

Uncle writing you atas young people here because I know you read this atas magazine. Taxi Uncle sick of coming to pick you up in Tiong Bahru, pick you up in Keong Saik and waiting waiting waiting, and you no-show. Sibeh jia lat. 

After his offer of $5,000 in damages was rejected by PM Lee, what is blogger Roy Ngerng going to offer next to settle his libel lawsuit?

a. $5,001
b. A hug
c. The blood of his first-born child.
d. Native advertising on his blog.

On TripAdvisor’s City Survey, Singapore came second in which category?

The coup’s critics are really ramping it up. Eight people showed up at Paragon holding copies of 1984, by George Orwell, as possible references to 1984, by George Orwell. Then, 100 people showed up at Terminal 21 doing that three-finger sign from Hunger Games, which some interpreted as a reference to Hunger Games.

A recent I-S poll revealed that 92% of Singaporean mothers were disappointed by the gestures of love their children made on Mother’s Day earlier this month. The big complaint? Not viral enough.

“I just don’t understand,” said a visibly distraught Mrs Ho at a focus group. “They took me to brunch, and then we took a selfie of them kissing me on the cheek. It only got 89 likes! I’ve never been more humiliated in my life. Would it have killed those ungrateful brats to arrange for Pokka to deliver me some unsweetened green tea via drone and then share it with the world on YouTube?”