Konichiwa! Hello Kitty here!!

I just turned 40 and I wanted to take this opportunity to thank Singapore for all your love, support and scary obsession over the years. I would say so in person, but unfortunately I don't have a mouth, so I have to write this all down.

Singapore this week announced that it has a new official title sponsor: from May 2014 the country will be rebranded as Sandsland^TM. The contract is for 500 years and comes with an option to extend, with the new sponsor taking over from the now-beleaguered finance industry as chief bankroller of the Southeast Asian nation. The partnership was announced at a private launch event, with a special appearance from popstar Jessie J singing “It’s all about the money, money, money”. Both the government and the casino industry at large described the new partnership as a perfect fit.

It is with a heart full of sadness that Greater Singapore has decided to consciously uncouple from Little India. We have been working hard for over four months, ever since last year’s riots, to see what might have been possible between us, and have come to the conclusion that while we love each other very much, we will remain separate. We have exhausted all reasonable means of resolving our differences. In the first instance, we banned alcohol consumption. Then we extended that ban. We then went on to extend it on a weekly basis.

Singapore’s government was forced into an embarrassing climb-down this month when its attempts to permanently stop the rain failed in dramatic fashion. Following the longest dry spell since the mid-nineteeth century, the heavens opened up again midway through March.

After three months of surreptitiously and rather successfully manipulating the weather, officials admitted defeat. “It’s over,” said one minister on condition of anonymity (and no photo, as the rain had spoiled his hair), “I got soaked outside Paragon.”

My little red bean paste moshi,

It’s been a rocky ride lately. I know that. There was that time I threw a fit at Suvarnabhumi. There was the time I had that huge meltdown at Ratchaprasong and set fire to a department store. There was that time I left the water running and flooded your place, ruining your lovely cars (all 1,000 of them). Then there’s now, with my decision to camp out in Lumpini and newfound love for old-school dictatorial paternalism. Well, yeah, I have daddy issues. You knew that when we hooked up, didn’t you?

Time once again for our seasonal quiz. What’s been making the headlines? How closely have you been paying attention? How little do you care?

1) Why was February Singapore’s driest month?
a. Alcohol taxes went up, so everyone stopped drinking
b. There’s still a whole four months to go before the crazy-exciting Water Week 2014
c. There hadn’t been that little rain since 1869

And so Bangkok’s great walking streets experiment ends. It’s been the boldest and biggest urbanization pilot scheme to be undertaken in a major world capital, and saw seven major intersections shut down for eight weeks in a bid to examine if Bangkokians could make more use of public transport and fully embrace the benefits of car-free streets. The following findings were observed:

A controversial, thought-provoking short film has been lighting up the interwebs. “Oppressed Majority” takes place in an alternate reality where the People’s Action Party are side-lined from the national conversation, denied the right to voice their opinions and endure daily rubbishing in the press. “It came from my experience as a Singaporean over the past 49 years,” wrote the filmmaker behind it. “And from the incredulity of foreigners when I told them about the comments and behavior of the people in power here.”

Anusorn Iamsa-ard of the Pheu Thai Party warned that Suthep promised to “shake the mango tree so the fruit will fall down.” But Anusorn said that the whole tree might fall if it is shaken too hard.

“I’m a bit confused. I thought the problem with the Shinawatra regime is that they don’t just take a few fruits from the tree, but take the whole tree,” said one protester at the Silom PDRC Rally site. “But now Suthep is saying the tree is still here, we just need to shake it.”