Whether you made it back in one piece or never even left, we’re just happy you’re here. But is this really a post-Songkran weekend or is it just the beginning of the end of Songkran? This year’s lunar calendar has us all confused, with half the office gone one week, another half the next, and a third half that just went AWOL ever since temperatures exceeded 40-degrees Celsius. In fact, there should be a word for tongsia that lasts all summer, particularly in the morning, particularly after gigs and bar openings: Songsia or Tongkran perhaps.

Regrettably, we didn’t get around to writing anything for this column this week. That’s because we were too busy snorting diamonds and setting Louis Vuitton bags on fire at Pangaea. Haven’t you heard? Everyone’s at it! If the Wall Street Journal was to be believed a few weeks back, most of Singapore is busy chalking up six-figure bar bills, mopping the Cristal stains off their Lanvin suits and—sorry, “the sound of a Ferrari zooming past” distracted our train of thought there.

Thailand is on a fast track to modernity. And yet, for a few days every year, millions pile into buses and pickups, hundreds die in horrible road accidents, and one half of the nation gropes the other half’s breasts. It’s just not very civilized. As such, the Honorable Prime Minister-at-Large has Skyped us with his exclusive, six-point plan to modernize songKran™.

Oh boy, it’s our birthday again. You probably expect us to celebrate in style, take you all to Badmotel and pay for everyone’s drinks? And in exchange, you’ll probably get us something funny from Daiso. A flashing LED hand-held fan that plays “Gagnam-style” perhaps? Yeah, thanks. We’ve got four of those already.

Applications to be among the first to get your hands on Google’s groundbreaking new Glass, the awesome/creepy augmented reality eyewear that displays all kinds of interesting info just above your sightline, are now closed. Hopefuls were invited to submit their most creative ideas for how they’d use the new product, using the hashtag #ifihadglass. Here we hazard a guess at some of the submissions they might have received from Singapore.

#ifihadglass I would have a bullshit monitor to tell me what percentage of the newspaper story I’m reading is propaganda

You heard they banned that debate on Article 112 on Thai PBS? And thank goodness they did. You understand, television is sacred in our country. We have it turned on all the time, in every room. Even at work—and we don’t just mean in the guard hut out front. We mean the offices of architectural firms, ministries, medical labs. Serious places. TV is everything to us and any interruption to our daily feed of lakorn and wacky game shows is seen as a life-threatening event.

As summer draws near, and the gubernatorial election fades from our memories, there’s a sweet feeling that bacteriologically unsound buckets of water, overturned pickups and sexually confused teenagers flashing their nipples are just around the corner. We can feel it in our very bones. Simply having lunch knocks us out for the rest of the day, as we stumble about sundrenched streets in a confused daze, slurping up somtam and coconut ice cream, not necessarily in that order.

It’s time for your roundup of entertaining employment news! Whether you’re a CEO, HR Manager or lowly employee here’s what you need to know about the multitude of newly-introduced work passes.

The H Pass. Horses! Ensure you’re properly registered to avoid accidentally ending up in an Ikea meatball.

Oh Gubernatorial Greatness, we salute your glorious triumph over the forces of evil. Three cheers for Mom Ratchawong Sukhumbhand Paribatra! (Your noble name being a bit on the long side, you’ll forgive us for shouting an abbreviated, but deeply affectionate, “Sukhi! Sukhi! Sukhi!”)

1) Chope your spot well ahead of time! Even if you’re protesting third world injustice, there’s no point wasting valuable minutes you could spend at a nearby café drinking $10 coffees.

2) Picking a theme you care about is passé. Instead, pick one that marks you out as a trendsetter. Workers’ rights are a bit 2012. Over-population is about as subtle as the Harlem Shake. Protest in favor of free-range kopi luwak for a subtle contemporary look that says ‘I care about animal rights and good coffee’.