Singapore this week announced that it has a new official title sponsor: from May 2014 the country will be rebranded as Sandsland^TM. The contract is for 500 years and comes with an option to extend, with the new sponsor taking over from the now-beleaguered finance industry as chief bankroller of the Southeast Asian nation. The partnership was announced at a private launch event, with a special appearance from popstar Jessie J singing “It’s all about the money, money, money”. Both the government and the casino industry at large described the new partnership as a perfect fit.

A spokesperson for the PAP said, “We were initially concerned about compromising our moral values, but that was before they invited us into the VIP lounge. OMFG.”  A press release from the new sponsor went even further: “There are only a few countries in the world that would really have the appetite or ability to take on this sponsorship. Plenty of others brushed us off with talk of addiction, broken families and ruined lives. Only Singapore Sandsland^TM had the foresight to see, that, even if society does fall apart, half a millennium from now they will be the galaxy’s premier gaming destination. Though, to be clear, we will not be inviting STB to produce the promotional video for us.”

The new sponsorship also marks the end of the banking industry’s long-time affiliation with Singapore. In a statement, it said it was honoured to have funded the glorious growth of the last few years, but that tighter regulations and oversight meant it was “no longer making enough money to compete with even a part-time croupier”. Government officials declined to reveal the actual cost of the contract, stating only that they would all be taking early retirement starting this Friday.