Earlier this month, the Land Transport Authority (LTA) decided that the SMRT did nothing wrong by allowing a fancy private school to charter five subway trains to take 3,000 of its students to a rugby tournament. We at I-S Magazine applaud this sensible judgment. We’ve always thought public transportation was wasted on, well, the public. Why do people need affordable, government-subsidized means of commuting when we have Uber? In fact, why only lease out a couple trains once in a blue moon? Our fair city-state’s esteem in the global arena would be better served if the SMRT put all that infrastructure and equipment to much more important (and lucrative) uses. Here are some off the top of our heads: 

High security transport for VIPs. If the roads of Singapore aren’t good enough for private school students, they’re certainly not good enough for the likes of J.Lo, Mariah Carey, the Sultan of Brunei and the rest. Let’s turn the subway into a discrete, safe means of transport for dignitaries. Security motorcades are so last year. 

An ultra-luxe sidewalk system. A condo developer in New York recently had the brilliant idea of having separate entrances for rich people and everybody else. Why can’t we have an underground luxury sidewalk experience for those who can afford it? Banish the hoi polloi to street level, pipe in air-conditioning and set up fancy Thai foot spas every 100 meters. 

The world’s first underground roller coaster. From amusement parks to aquariums to safaris, we’ve never gone wrong funnelling money to construct more and more fabulously over-the-top controlled environments. This one will be a sensation on tourism brochures and rake in millions. 

A whole new kind of grand prix. Singapore lost the distinction of being the only F1 night race in the world when Bahrain copied our idea a few years ago. Why not aim to be the only country that has the race in subway tunnels? 

Of course, online cranks and trolls will bemoan the city’s abandonment of public services. But you know what? These are the people who bitch about the subway being crowded, unreliable and not open late enough. Haters gonna hate. Onward and upward! Or undergroundward, in this case.