Assets are a funny thing. When you’re young, you can never get enough of them. You want to grab as many as you can, play with them. You could just sit on them, but they’re more fun to show off—that is, when they’re not that big. You take it for granted that your assets will always be nice and compact. But anyway the shape of your assets doesn’t matter much because you’re young and no one seems to pay any serious attention to them.When you get a bit older, however, those assets really start growing. In Thailand, especially, successful businessmen see their assets grow at impressive rates.

It takes a wise man to handle a lie. A fool had better remain honest.—Norman DouglasEveryone lies and if you claim to be innocent of this little sin, then all you’ve done is just prove our point. What really struck us though is that more people seem to be getting caught recently—and not just for little white lies either. Don’t get us wrong—it’s not that we condone lying, but it’s as if no one even tries to lie properly these days.

A white-hot light suddenly appeared on Silom Road and two strangely dressed individuals stepped from it—one adult and one child.“Whoa, where are we, Dad?” the smaller one said.“This, son, is Bangkok in the year 2006—300 years in our past,” the bigger one replied.“It doesn’t look so good…” the smaller one remarked, “and what’s that smell?”“Come along, son,” the adult said, and they began walking down the street. Soon they came to a motorcycle taxi stand where some men sat waiting for customers.“Daddy, Daddy, what’s that coming out of their mouths?” the boy asked.

Young Members of Parliament­—or the P65s, as they’re called on “the streets” (well, in the papers, at least)—are forming a hip hop outfit to perform at next year’s Chingay Parade, in an attempt to appeal to youths. Yet, the most glaring misconception in this idea is that you can’t make someone cool. If you’re an MP first, and a hip hopper second, then that’s the natural order of things. What we would suggest the government do, if they want to appeal to young people, is to turn things around a little. Why make an MP hip ...

News junkies, it is time once again to test your knowledge of current events with our award-winning multiple-choice test for October.What is the biggest problem facing the new airport? a. Management didn’t realize that real baggage isn’t nearly as easy to handle as the empty, uniform-size practice luggage.b. Delegates arriving for the World Toilet Expo will piss their pants while waiting in line for a toilet.c. Families having picnics in the terminal.d. Not enough retail space.What is the new name of the former Council for Democratic Reform?a. SLORC IIb. The S Teamc.

Our resident Sexpert, Ms. Ho, who contributes a regular sex advice column in I-S Magazine and who has counseled many a troubled individual, couple, girl, boy, and everything in between, will be lending her well honed skills to the upcoming Sexpo in November where she will be giving a short lecture about Singapore’s rising divorce rate.

In a surprise move that has alarmed free speech advocates, journalists and the artistic community, the Council For Democratic Reform Under Constitutional Monarchy in a Mythical Country announced that it had sent advisors to oversee the production of West Side Story. “This is an outrage!” the outraged American director told reporters, before revealing that the advisors had “suggested” several changes to the script. “How am I supposed to make these changes? The Jets have to fight the sharks—they can’t just wait until the sharks leave town for a weekend and then claim the turf is theirs!

Disgruntled Artist #1: Hey dude, have you heard the latest news? The Land Transport Authority is looking for artists to contribute artworks for upcoming Circle Line stations like Marymount, Lorong Chuan and Bartley. This is could be my big break! I was rejected to exhibit at the North East Line (NEL) stations, and was flat out denied an interview by the Singapore Biennale. But I’m sure they’ll be interested this time!Disgruntled Artist #2: Man, you seem too optimistic.

There’s nothing like a coup to make one feel loved. We can’t tell you how many phone calls and emails we’ve received over the past week and a half—from friends and family, overseas clients, former classmates and roommates, ex-girlfriends, bill collectors and even complete strangers: “What the hell is going on over there?” “Are you OK?” “Is it dangerous?” “Have you eaten?”Not to worry: We’re fine, tanks. See? We can even make crap jokes about our situation. But, seriously, things are great.

Singapore should be next stop for the most famous mouse on earth, if the proposal to open Disneyland at the Marina Bay Golf Course near Tanjong Rhu and the Integrated Resorts (IR) takes off. This is exciting news for fans of the beloved cartoon character, who no longer have to fly to Hong Kong to watch Mickey and company live in action, or wait for the annual Disney On Ice performance to come to town.