“To all of our visiting guests from around the world, we would just like to say what a pleasure it is to welcome you to Bangkok. We trust that you will have a memorable stay and that you will return home with fond memories of our quaint town. We also hope you will encourage your compatriots to visit during this traditionally slow time of the year, especially in the capital where we have a glut of high-end hotel rooms, and to invest in our stock market. It’d be nice if they could purchase a few Thailand Elite cards, as well—just imagine: your own fast track line through Immigration!“While I am speaking, attendants will be handing out cups of florescent red Fanta and moist towelettes—please note that the drink is free but the napkin is 10 baht.“Now, for first-timers, especially, there are a few things we’d like you to know and share with the folks back home. First, the roads in Bangkok are always this traffic-free. We don’t know where those silly little stories about hellish commutes came from. From time to time you will see a police roadblock—either as part of our ongoing Drug War: Part III or to pass out candy to motorcyclists—but for the most part traffic flows like a well-oiled machine.“As we drive around you will notice freshly painted, newly erected fences all over the city, like these under the expressway, here. The white walls denote special ‘must-see’ attractions. So feel free to have a look behind them—and don’t forget your camera!“See that young woman over there, smiling silently to herself as she walks down the street? She’s not insane, so there’s no need for concern. She’s just not from Bangkok. No doubt you have heard of the famed (and soon to be copyrighted by a Japanese businessman) ‘Thai Smile.’ Unfortunately you don’t see that too much in the capital anymore, except in people from the provinces and on Tourism Authority of Thailand posters.“If, however, that grinning girl had been talking to herself, you’d have wanted to steer well clear of her, as she would have been crazy. That or she was speaking into a Bluetooth headset, in which case she would have been annoying. But then we don’t recommend you spend too much time on sidewalks: If the lunatics don’t get you then the motorcycle taxis will. To see the real Bangkok, you’re better off in an air-conditioned shopping mall.“Ah, here we are: my auntie’s visitors’ center and discount gem shop. We’ll be taking a 90-minute break here. You’re under no obligation to buy anything, although there is a special promotion that ends today….”