It’s a secret that people would die to uncover—and that some would kill to keep hidden. Ladies and gentlemen, I-S Magazine presents to you, at long last, the film (or at least, the script of the film) that “they” didn’t want you to see. Caution: The situations presented within this article are wholly fictitious and entirely invented. Any resemblance between this and a produceable film script is purely coincidental.

Prelude:

Setting: A back-alley in Geylang. We find young filmmaker Sun Koh running like mad, being chased down by the Singaporean filmmakers’ version of the boogeyman—a short, shadowy woman in a dirty brown robe, holding a giant pair of scissors. They call her... The Scissor Sister.

Sun: Eh, please leh! I just want to make The Great Singapore Film! (Sun suddenly reaches a dead-end, turns, and is confronted by The Scissor Sister.)
The Scissor Sister: Cannot. We told you already, hor. Your movie... (The Scissor Sister lifts up her weapon and thrusts it deep into Sun’s heart.)
The Scissor Sister: ... not suitable for Singaporean audiences.

Cut to:

(Opening credits)
An Asia City Production

Of a Terry Ong and Wayne Ree film

The Da Cine Code

(Not based on any best-selling controversial novel)

Starring (in no particular order)

Royston Tan
Eric Khoo
Kelvin Tong
Cleopatra Wong
and
Jack Neo as, errr, “Jack Neo” 

Cut to:

Scene 1:

Setting: A local coffee shop. We pan in on Eric Khoo, about to dig into his mee pok. Suddenly his phone rings (with the theme from Be with Me (as the ringtone). Eric looks at his phone, which shows that it’s Royston Tan calling. He sighs and answers the call.

Eric: Hello, Royston. (Pause) You’re kidding? (Another pause, with an annoyed look on his face) No budget? (Another pause, then a look of resignation) Oh, alright. I’ll be there in a while.
(He hangs up, sighs again, then stands up and walks off, abandoning his untouched mee pok.)
Eric (Mutters to himself): Bloody nonsense. I’m not even supposed to be there today.

Cut to:

Scene 2:

Setting: A big gang fight is taking place; blood and violence everywhere. The camera follows a stray blade flying through the air only to impale itself on...Eric Khoo, who looks up nonchalantly from his kopi, as the plastic knife bounces off his body.

Ah Beng #1: Eh, I think you just killed our producer leh.
Ah Beng #2: Wah liao. That means I must go back to selling VCD, meh? I kena caught five times already lor and all my x-rated films confiscated already!
Eric: Royston, I know you want to bleed me dry, but I didn’t think you meant literally.
(From off-camera) Royston: Aiyoh. Cut!
Eric (under his breath, as Royston walks on-screen): What is it with you and using real ah bengs anyway?
Royston (as the ah bengs simultaneously light up their cigarettes and walk off camera): They’re the best people to portray ah bengs, mah.
Eric: As your producer, I feel it is my duty to inform you of this pool of people that we directors normally turn to to play parts in our films. I’m sure you might’ve heard of them—they’re called actors.
Royston: Wah, somebody si beh (very) sarcastic today. Never finish your mee pok, right?
(Eric is about to retort, but stays silent and sips his kopi)
Royston: I know what actors are, Eric. But let’s face it lor: For an aspiring filmmaker, which, yes, I still do fancy myself to be, that pool is a rather limited one. Wah liao, even if I had access to all these actors, they’re only good if I wanted to portray people who speak with local accents that sound like ang mohs pretending to speak with a proper local accent. And most of them are in stage plays anyways, so they’re all practically the same people! Si peh boring, la!
(Eric stops sipping his kopi and looks perplexed)
Royston: And by the way, how many times can someone rely on Mark Lee to play the only convincing-sounding English-speaking Singaporean?
(Eric thinks for a bit)
Eric: Ahhh. Fair point.

Cut to:

Scene 3:

Setting: We find Kelvin Tong working on his bike, while listening to “One-To-One” (theme from his previous film Eating Air) by Tan Ah Luck and The Suns, formerly known as The Boredphucks (that’s pronounced “Bored-Pucks,” mind you). He receives an SMS and has a worried look on his face. Quickly, he jumps on his bike and races off to...

Cut to:

Scene 4

Setting: Another young filmmaker—this time Merwyn Tzang—setting up the sound stage for his next film: A twisted, highly sexual version of The Wizard of Oz, after his last sexy take on The Little Red Riding Hood, called A Wicked Tale. Suddenly, from a dark corner of the sound stage, Tzang hears a very familiar sounding voice.

The Scissor Sister (off-screen): Tzang...we warned you. This kind of film has sex and violence. Very bad portrayal of Singaporean society.
Tzang: Oh, no! Look, I don’t care! I’m going to get it out there. You can’t stop me! Singapore deserves to have The Great Singapore Film. It...urk!
(The camera pans out, to show The Scissor Sister behind Tzang, impaling him with her weapon.)

Cut to:

Scene 5:

Setting: A nearby void deck, where Eric Khoo leans coolly against a wall and Royston squats down and lights a cigarette.

Eric: But I’m sure you didn’t call me down here to debate the benefits of farming ex-pirated VCD salesmen, did you?
Royston: No, I called you out here for this...
(Royston lifts up a paper and shows to Eric the front-page headlines of
I-S Magazine, which reads “Jack Neo To Do Movie About Ah Beng Savior: Expected To Make Plenty of Money”)
Eric: And...?
Royston: Si mi tai chee “and?!” My movie is called The Passion of Ah Boy, and it’s about the rise of Singapore’s true ah beng savior!
Eric: Oh...
Royston: Yeah, and seeing as how this is a Raintree Pictures production, their budget will be one kind of happening. Meaning my film is going to look like some poly project next to it, lor. Not to say they’re necessarily good, though...
Eric: Yeah. Hence...your problem with the budget, I take it...
Royston: Very clever.
Eric: Well, not to boast or anything, but you’re damn lucky you have my backing to begin with, lor. I do my best to fund as many aspiring filmmakers as I can, but it’s not like I’m bloody rich.
Royston: I know, I know. (Thinks to himself: “Yeah, right!”). I suppose I could turn to MDA, but their guidelines one kind of jia lat (strict). And really, loh, it’s probably a huge turn-off for every aspiring filmmaker out there to turn to the government for backing. Good intentions or no, it just doesn’t feel right. What we really need is a non-governmental body helping out filmmakers. Like a film support group, mah.
Eric: Well, that’s the reality of the industry. It’s either the MDA or you better be rich man’s son.
(Suddenly, both directors turn their attention to the sound of a bike roaring into the carpark. Jumping off the bike like some kind of daredevil, Kelvin Tong lands expertly in front of Eric and Royston.)

Eric: Kelvin! What exactly was the point of those theatrics?
Kelvin: Hey, man. It’s been talking through most of this script so far. Thought it needed some cool Matrix-style action.
Royston: I’m presuming there’s a reason for you showing up, besides showing off?
Kelvin: There is. You got a problem, Royston.
Royston: I know. My budget!
Kelvin: Not just that, man. Last night, Sun Koh, the third aspiring filmmaker in a row, was murdered...by what seemed like a pair of giant scissors.
Eric: Oh, no. Not...her.
Kelvin: Yeah. The Scissor Sister—very scary one. I also got word a little while ago that she’s already claimed her fourth victim: Tzang. And now, she’s gunning for Royston.
Royston: How do you know?
Kelvin: Well, written in the Tzang’s blood at the scene of the crime was the message “I’m gunning for Royston Tan.”
Royston: Eh, not very secretive code, leh. Gunning some more...
Kelvin: Well, it’s not like she’s Dan Brown or anything.
Roytson: Wah liao. All this plus the budget constraints. Damn suay, man.
Kelvin: What happened with the budget?
Royston: Jack Neo’s making another film just like mine.
Kelvin: Man, can you believe this? I mean, is the well really that dry these days? Is there really only so few good Singaporean stories left to tell that we’ve resorted to cannibalizing each other? I mean, honestly, if it isn’t a story about ah bengs, it’s a story about the school system, or the job market, or... well, whatever the hell it is that taxi drivers are complaining about now. It’s like there’s only so few issues in Singapore that filmmakers seem to want to cover. The stories are just becoming so bloody boring.
Eric: It’s not like we have a choice. I mean, everyone wants to do something groundbreaking and controversial, but they’re all worried about getting the cut.
Kelvin: Being circumcised?
Royston: Eh, I think you been eating a little too much air, brudder. He’s talking about censorship.
Royston: You remember what happened to the guy who did that film about Chee Soon Juan, right? Kana investigated all. That’s a worse case scenario, sure, but it just goes to remind filmmakers out there that censorship is still a problem when it comes to making movies. (Throws his hands into the air) Aiyah! All I was hoping for was that this would be my masterpiece; that I’d have finally lived my lifelong dream of making The Great Singapore Film. But all of this is just ruining everything!
Kelvin: No wonder she’s coming for you, lah. You know the legend. Anyone with the balls to attempt such a film will only end up her next victim. She only goes after people with the ridiculous ambition to try and make The Great Singapore Film.
Eric: Then there’s only one thing left to do. We’ve got to get to Jack Neo. We’ve got to talk to him about somehow reaching an understanding. The only way to stop The Scissor Sister is to get Royston’s film made!
Kelvin: Alright. Hop on my bike. I’ll get you guys to the Raintree Pictures headquarters.
Eric: Both of us?
Kelvin: Eh, man. I directed Eating Air. I know how to handle a bike.

Cut to:

Scene 6:

Setting: An office in the Raintree Pictures building. Jack Neo sits in a pile of cash, counting his money, laughing to himself maniacally. A knock on the door, then Royston, Kelvin and Eric walk in.

Royston: Hey, Jack, I...
Jack: Shh! (Then looking very intently at his pile of cash) I checking to see if my money got enough or not...
Eric: Um, Jack, we’re quite certain that...
Jack: Eh! I not stupid, ok? (Suddenly turns very sweet) So, what can I do for you boys?
Royston: Well, Jack. You see the thing is that I’m actually making a movie about an ah beng savior at the moment and, well, your film, with its budget and all, would probably kill mine. But, I’m sure your movie must be as dear to you as mine is me, but...
Jack: Dear? No lah. I don’t really care about it.
Royston: Oh. Well, in that case, you wouldn’t mind if we co-directed or...
Jack: Nonsense. I’m not sharing any of the spotlight with you.
Royston: But, uh, Jack...we’re sure there’s room for more than just films by Raintree Pictures in Singapore.
Jack: You siao, is it? Of course, there’s no room for anything other than Raintree Pictures in Singapore. We pave the way for your little independent films, which work great for your film festivals or what have you. But let’s face it: Singaporeans only want what Raintree has to offer—nothing but films that appeal mostly to heartlanders. They’re not going to bother with your films as long as the average ah pek wants to check out the sequel to Liang Po Po, right? (Pauses for a moment) Actually, no, that really is quite sad for you guys and I take it back, I really would like to help you guys with...
(Suddenly, The Scissor Sister bursts through the door of the office with an even bigger pair of scissors in tow).
The Scissor Sister: No! I was the one who slipped the script about the ah beng savior to Jack Neo. It was supposed to put Royston and him at loggerheads! And with all the killings thrown into the mix, it would’ve almost certainly assured that The Great Singapore Film would never get made! Hahahahahahahaha! (Laughs hysterically) The last thing I wanted was an understanding between the mainstream films and the fringe movies!
Jack: Wah. Damn elaborate sabo, man.
Eric: It’s alright, Jack. I knew that if we somehow reached an understanding, she’d show up. I had a hunch that this sort of mutual partnership would make The Great Singapore Film a stronger possibility and definitely lure The Scissor Sister out of hiding for this confrontation—I planned it all along. So, I called a friend to help us out.
(Suddenly, Cleopatra Wong crashes through the office window, a sword in hand, and gives a flying kick to The Scissor Sister).
Eric: The one thing The Scissor Sister didn’t count on was the strength of the local film industry’s past—and how instead of overshadowing our current achievements, it’d only work to our advantage. Well, that and Cleopatra just loves kicking ass.
(Cleopatra and The Scissor Sister battle it out in an elaborate fight, till the two of them are exhausted.)
Kelvin: It’s no use, guys. The Scissor Sister isn’t going away. If The Great Singapore Film is to be made, it’ll still have to be with her blessings.
The Scissor Sister: That..! Well... actually that seems alright to me. (Thinks for a while) I mean, that’s all we worry about—that in making The Great Singapore Film, you wouldn’t be working in the interests of the Singaporean public. But, as long as you all keep it real, make films with themes that are close to your hearts, but at the same time not pretentious...err, I not naming names ah—you go figure out yourself, then sure can make it one. Really, really. But must also keep to MDA’s rules and guidelines also lah, aiyoh!
Royston: Hah!? Like that only hah? You sure or not?
Jack: And if you’re willing to relax the rules a little bit...
The Scissor Sister: Can, can—aiya as long as you and your other filmmakers don’t come and cucuk (rub) us the wrong the way—and doing it for the sake of doing it—sure no problem one. I say: Stop making those heavy-handed films that barely have any dialogue and too much posturing, or another lame horror movie, or another one about how Singaporeans hate to stay in HDBs—we geddit! We geddit! Now get on with the program already! How about trying some romantic comedies, a film about wedding parties, a police movie with a real plot, whatever lah! Just something different!
Kelvin: Ladies and gentlemen, I think we’ve finally on to something here...

Roll credits.

New generation of directors

What's new in the Singapore Film Industry

Royston Tan, director of 15 and 4:30

“I’m in the midst of shooting my third film called 881,” says Tan, “so it’s been really crazy.” A getai musical, 881 is a story about The Papaya Sisters, two childhood friends who grow up to become the most enchanting getai stars on the circuit.

Eric Khoo, director of Be with Me and Mee Pok Man

Khoo is currently working as a producer on Royston Tan’s 881, as well as the feature film debut of Brian Gothong Tan, Invisible Children. Expect the prolific director to jump back into the director’s seat soon though, with two new projects that are currently in the development stages.

Kelvin Tong, director of The Maid and Eating Air

The filmmaker who scared filmgoers with The Maid is set to give us a good laugh with his latest film—Men in White, a horror comedy about four strangers who die from a freak accident involving a gas tank and a frog.

Daniel Yun, COO of Mediacorp Raintree Pictures

If you’ve noticed a shift in the kinds of films that Raintree Pictures has been putting out for sometime now, you’re not alone. “It now seems obvious that we have moved away from movies that are too local,” says Raintree’s Daniel Yun, who’s worked as an executive producer on such films as One Last Dance and Homerun. “Our move is deliberate, but strategic, and this move is an approach we have adopted for several years. Hence, if you look at our slate, the titles coming out this year are decidedly different.” Some films to look out for include an adaptation of Catherine Lim’s novel The Leap Years and the epic family drama The Home Song Stories, both starring the internationally renowned actress Joan Chen; the horror film The Tattooist, set in New Zealand; the animated feature Sing to the Dawn; and, of course, I Not Stupid 3, the latest installment in the popular Jack Neo-helmed series.

Kan Lume, co-director of Solos

While Solos may only be his second feature (and his latest collaboration with Loo Zihan), Kan’s certainly done his time, cutting his directorial teeth. Having directed programs for Channel 5, Channel 8 and Arts Central, he’s also helmed a whopping 10 short films in the last three years alone. His first movie The Art of Flirting earned him the title of Best ASEAN Feature at the Malaysian Video Awards, and he’s also picked up accolades such as the top prize at the Take 5! Guerrilla Film Making Challenge 2005 with the Singapore History Museum, the Best of Show at Canon DV Fest 2005 and Judges’ Choice Award for Fly-By-Night 2004.

Loo Zihan, co-director of Solos

He may still be studying for his BFA at Nanyang Technological University’s School of Art, Design and Media, but Loo definitely isn’t a newbie to filmmaking. In 2005 alone, he directed three shorts and edited two. That very same year, his last collaboration with Kan Lume, Untitled, took home the second prize at the Soul to Soul Festival. He’s also worked on two parts of the Dance Trilogy, part of the Video Art Installation, Decay.

Boo Junfeng, director of The Changi Murals

Boo’s star has been rising from the very get-go. His first short film Un Retrato de Familia (A Family Portrait) earned him Silver Screen Awards for Best Film and Special Achievement at the 18th Singapore International Film Festival. Graduating as the top student from Ngee Ann Polytechnic cohort, Boo went on to be selected as one of the esteemed 20 Asian participants to attend the inaugural session of the Asian Film Academy in Korea.

Khee Jin Ng, director of Feet Unbound

A successful former advertising man, this is Khee’s directorial debut. Spurred by his fascination of The Long March in China, he independently began developing Feet Unbound in 2001 and continued to produce and film this documentary between 2004 and 2005. It made its world premier at the 19th International Documentary Film Festival Amsterdam and was selected for the festival’s Joris Ivens Competition.

Child’s Play

Whoever said cute is out? Brainchild of Taiwanese designer Wang Yenling, Zuwa infuses accessories with the “awwww, look it’s a puppy” factor with the use of childlike, whimsical figurines. Decked out in black and white with dashes of color, these accessories are for those who blend the cool with the cute. Get them now at Anteprima Plastiq, 1/F Takashimaya Department Store, Ngee Ann City, 391 Orchard Rd., 6276-4366.

Denim God

Having made its debut in New York with its Autumn Winter 2007/2008 range, G-Star confirms itself as a member of denim royalty. This time round expect an orgy of minimalist aesthetics, clean lines and handcrafted designs in raw denim. The new stocks have just arrived at #02-31/32, Paragon, 290 Orchard Rd., 6735-8419.

#02-47 Wisma Atria, 435 Orchard Rd., 6733-6167.

The first ever Lanvin boutique finally arrives in Singapore. This highly coveted French label presents a swirling mix of luxe materials and choice cuts for its Spring/Summer collection. Look out for the trenchcoats in washed silk, leather blousons and even a respectable selection of men’s accessories like ties, cufflinks and colorful belts.

#02-03 Hilton Shopping Gallery, Hilton Hotel, 581 Orchard Rd., 6738-1313.

Shoe sluts—the three-week old Manolo Blahnik store is a must! Arguably one of the most recognizable shoe labels in the world, Manolo Blahnik is a must for any self respecting fashionista. The timeless and beautifully handcrafted shoes like the Tofi, made from satin and fused with embroidery and green Swarovski crystals, and the Emerica, a sling back pointed shoe with Chinois linen details, are two of the best in the arrivals.

Porn Or Yoga Ad Answer Key

Porn: 1, 4, 6, 10
Yoga: 2, 3, 5, 7, 8, 9

Crazy in Love... with Samsung

Samsung has just announced its next music phone. The Ultra Music F300, will be launching in Singapore in mid-May. With a dual face function—one side being a phone with a host of functions and the other devoted solely to the music functions—this one looks to be quite the competitor for Sony Ericsson and Nokia, who’ve been dominating the music phone market for quite a while. What more, the phone’s global brand ambassador certainly knows a thing or two about moving to the beat—she’s none other than actress/singer Beyonce.

Snap It Up

For those more hardcore shutterbugs, the latest camera from Olympus, the E-510 DSLR, will probably be more to your liking. With a new professional grade Live MOS sensor, you can be assured of a whopping 10 megapixels of completely hi-definition pictures. What more, this cam also features an advanced version of Olympus’s popular Live View function. Watch out for this one in June.

Think Thin

Canon’s latest camera the Ixus 70 ($529) also happens to be the slimmest in the line, measuring in at a mere 19.4mm in thickness. As skinny as it may be, however, this baby certainly packs quite the punch; its Digic III imaging processor is also the line’s most powerful to date, allowing for high speed ISO 1600 shooting, noise reduction and even face detection technologies. Pick it up now at Cathay Photo (#01-11/14 Peninsula Plaza, 111 North Bridge Rd., 6337-4274).

A Sound Partnership

Razer has teamed up with George Lucas’ THX Ltd to produce the Razer Mako 2.1 multimedia speaker system, the first desktop speakers to feature THX Ground Plane and THX Slot Speaker technologies. The Mako 2.1 debuted in Germany recently and, while a local release date has yet to be set, keep a look out for news of its imminent arrival on our shores.

No Regrets, a Tribute to Edith Piaf, which revolves around the life of famous French singer Edith Piaf, was first staged in 2004 to a sold-out reception. Now Piaf fans can catch the restaging of this musical at the inaugural show of Sing’theatre. It features the original cast—Hossan Leong, Emma Yong, Leigh McDonald, Asha and French soprano Aurore—who will deliver Piaf’s story in both French and English. We stole a few moments with Sing’theatre founder and director Nathalie Ribette.

This is Sing’theatre’s first show. Why did you choose to restage this particular musical?
No Regrets was both an artistic and commercial success in 2004, so it’s great to start a new theatre company with a proven inaugural show. Also, my friends in the Singaporean theatre community asked me to restage it.

Have you gained any new insights into Edith Piaf or the production with this restaging?
Since 2004, I have had the feeling that the Edith Piaf myth has gained even more magnitude, as we realize even more how significant her artistic legacy is.

How do you think the locals will relate to the life of Edith Piaf?
Edith Piaf began as a child singing on the streets of Paris and eventually became the highest paid singer in the world. She proves that everything is possible if you want it and are ready to work really hard for it. I think that Singaporeans can relate to this message, given the country’s success story.

How did you go about picking the cast?
I wanted the best of the best! So I sought personalities and singing styles that would bring out the universality of Piaf’s songs.

Are you a complete Piaf freak and how many of her records do you own?
Yes, I am a big fan—I own at least 30 CDs and many little black dresses! I also have recordings of Piaf and of other artists singing her songs in successful or disastrous adaptations!

I’m c**p at looking toward the future. When I was really young I wanted to be a hairdresser. Then I thought I would go into architecture. I’m one of those people who looks blankly at you when you ask about the future.

I was filming in an arena in India. I was wearing a skirt and people put their hands up my skirt and touched my ass.

I went ballistic. They wouldn’t let me out. I was ready to have a fistfight with these a**holes...

It is really hard to say no to certain things. I find it really hard to say no to a lot of the things that I do to support NGOs and stuff. I can choose to sit on the couch, but I can’t get over the guilt.

Living out of a suitcase after a while does your head in. You miss out on birthdays and Christmas.

It won’t be this way forever. I am where I am at this moment in time because this is where I’m supposed to be.

I’m not good at keeping things alive—not even plants. I’ve got to start learning to grow things properly or at least stop killing things.

As a general rule for life, it’s quite rare for reality to exceed your expectations.

Everything moves so quickly, and you need to slow down and ask yourself, “What am I running for?”

Buying stuff I don’t need is hardly gratifying. Buying striped socks, however, is different. I just can’t get enough of them.

In Buenos Aires, I saw the demonstrations of the “Mothers of the Disappeared.” It was a really raw moment. These women never give up hope even though the missing children remain missing.

In Istanbul, the government postal services went on strike. They wanted their uniforms created by a fashion designer—and that was listed as a non-negotiable term.

People who follow their own style are cool. I like
Angelina Jolie’s style. From head to toe, she is yelling,
“I don’t care!”

Hosting a game show is totally uncool. And yes, I have done it.

I’m one of the most unfashionable people ever on TV. I pretty much wear the same thing every day.

Rudeness often stems from mindlessness.

The world pisses me off. Or is it just the news?

I think a lot of people hold on to opinions just because they want to stay in their comfort zone.

It is funny that a change in opinion makes one a hypocrite. People do change. Saying “I don’t think that anymore” is not a crime.

Be tolerant and open to opinions. That’s important.

The more I travel, the more I come to think chaos theory is working on a human level. Everything is interrelated in a huge web—and there is no way you can work everything out.

Knowing your limits keeps you from going insane.

Falling into a food coma makes me happy. We have a feeding ritual once a week where we eat and eat and eat.
When packing, never take anything more than you have to. You don’t need as much as you think.

Chinese oil and Po Chai Pills are my bodyguards.

Get an orange suitcase. The color is theft-proof.