Salutations. Mr. Know-It-All here. And seeing as I am Mr. K-I-A—meaning I know all, by definition—I certainly do know that it’s time to give up smoking soon, as the smoking ban in literally all air-conditioned spaces is going to take effect in July, and will especially affect bars and clubs. Singapore’s propensity to snuff out all pleasure has already led me to give up my afternoon cigar (now it’s TWO afternoon brandies to compensate). So from now on, I’m saying goodbye to my trademarked cigar and giving up the habit for good—and maybe it’s time you do it, too.

Afraid of cancer, stroke or heart disease? Have erectile dysfunction and a low sperm count? Think cigarettes here are waaaaaay overpriced? If your answers are yes, then quit. But it’s hard, you say. I know (again, I’m Mr. K-I-A). But for any project to succeed, you need to set clear goals. So think through the disadvantages of smoking, in terms of money, health and your appearance. Don’t jumpstart your cessation regime until you are fully ready. But once you are, then you’ll probably find it’s a lot easier than you might think.

Step 1: Analyze it

Knowing more about your enemy always gives you an advantage. Jot down in detail when and why you feel you must smoke. Be alert at these moments and try to suppress the urge to smoke. “If you find yourself not smoking after dinner when you used to, then you are on the right track,” says Keiko Cheung, who has successfully kicked her 10-year smoking habit. For instance, I wrote, “Smoking makes you sexier.” And, of course, I’m pretty sexy already so I found out how redundant that was. Huh.

Step 2: Dig your toes in

List all the reasons why you must quit. Let them do the magic and convince you that kicking the habit does you more good than bad. “If you have the will power, you can quit,” says Abby Wong, a 51-year-old housewife who had been smoking for 20 years. “It took me a year to completely kick the habit, but I don’t remember having a hard time fighting off the urge to smoke.”

Step 3: Set a quit day

Pick a quit day. Let your friends know about your revolutionary move in order to secure sources of support and pampering when you go cold turkey. Make a scene of the announcement so big that if you ever take a U-turn, you’ll set yourself up to be the coward of the century. “If your friends don’t smoke, you are less likely to smoke too,” says Marcus Chan, who recently quit. So if you have a bunch of annoying smoking friends, you finally have a decent excuse to ditch them.

Step 4: Find substitutes

Chuck out everything in your house that is related to smoking—lighters, ashtrays, pipes, rollies, ciggies. You can also use nicotine patches, gum or inhalers to soothe the withdrawal symptoms. “Do something to divert your attention, such as going to the gym,” recommends Marcus Chan. Chances are that you’ll turn into a gym rat, but hey, we are all addicted to something. It may as well be something healthy.

Step 5: Watch your diet

The first four weeks of quitting are the most arduous, which may send you looking for support in high-calorie foods. But this is a vicious cycle as it can end up making you more irritable. So stay away from greasy food and keep a balanced diet with an abundance of vegetables and fruits.

Say these steps aren’t enough to kick you into action? Then check out Mastersoft Mobile Solutions’ “My Last Cigarette,” a computer program for people who want to quit smoking. It calculates the number of cigarettes you have smoked, days you have been a non-smoker for, your life expectancy before and after you quit, the money you will be able to save, the amount of toxic substances in your body, the number of smoking-related deaths that occur while you are quitting, and more.

A Last-Ditch Attempt

If you have tried to quit many times before without luck, then try this: Binge on cigarettes. Just smoke and smoke and smoke—a carton a day for example. Hopefully this will be so disgusting and make you so sick that you’ll purge any desires for tobacco you may have ever had. Hey—if this is the only way to go, so be it.

Unconventional ways of stubbing out the habit

The effect of the smoking ban and places where smoking will be disallowed

Two people shared with us their cautionary quitting smoking tales

“I had decided many years ago to quit smoking and had made up my mind that the only way to do so was by going “cold turkey.” It wasn’t easy, but I had finally dropped the habit and, eventually, stayed off cigarettes for more than three years. That’s three whole years, including my time in my army, that I didn’t touch one cigarette!

But while I was fully aware of the addictive powers of nicotine, I hadn’t taken into account the intoxicating powers of alcohol. It was New Year’s Eve in 2004 when I got completely smashed, and the next thing I knew I was sobering up with a cigarette hanging from my lips. According to my friends, I just started demanding a ciggie, so one of them gave it to me. Needless to say, it was all downhill from there and from the first day of 2005, I was smoking regularly again.

I’ve tried to quit many times since then. I’ve lasted for as long as two months even, but my plans always go down the drain when I get more than a little tipsy. So my advice to anyone who wants to quit smoking: Make sure you’ve quit drinking before that!”—Wayne Ree, photographer

“I was very determined to quit smoking when I first started out. I threw out all my lighters, cigarettes, ashtrays and cigarette butts (you never know how desperate you’ll get). I was also feeling quite sanctimonious. I told everybody I was quitting and all were impressed.

It worked for the first two weeks, but after the third week, everything went downhill when I suddenly decided I had to have two cigarettes out of nowhere. I went to 7-Eleven and bought a pack and smoked five in a row. I came back to the office, told my office neighbor that I smoked one cigarette and she forced me to give the cigarettes away. When my boss found out he was so mad he threw a pen at me. I promised that it was the last I was going to have.

But after that, I couldn’t stop! I’ve been hiding in the stairwell and smoking with a mint in my mouth and a bottle of perfume in my hand so no one will know. By the fourth week, I was sneaking at least 1.5 packs a day.

It was like the whole world was disappointed in me. I even imagined myself lying full of needles in an acupuncture studio in Chinatown and being rid of this smoking addiction. And if that didn’t work, then I would next try acupuncture combined with hypnotherapy. I was willing to try any form of torture necessary. It’s just that I was too busy at the moment to actually do it.

I am still on my way to quitting, it’s just that I’m having a little setback. I’m definitely going to quit tomorrow (like that’ll happen!). Then I’ll have a healthy body, more money, and other wonderful things. This is only a temporary lapse.” —Brigitte Persson, marketing manager

PLUS: Mr. Know-It-All's guide to quitting smoking.

Vintage Advantage

Legendary designer Quentin Mackay’s Fashionaire collection for Samsonite, originally designed in 1968, is made available again following its reissue. Fans of the iconic psychedelic black and white prints, featuring striking flower motifs infused with modern shapes, is available via The Travel Collection—comprising duffel bags, suitcases, shoulder pouches and shopping bags—priced from $230-980. Worth shelling out every single penny for. Available from Samsonite, #01-19 Raffles Hotel Arcade, 1 Beach Rd., 6334-0955.

Foot Loose

Two recent collections by Crocs and Timberland prove that shoes can be stylish and functional all the same. The Croc’s Summer collection in particular, features innovative designs and cool color palettes like celery, lavender and cotton candy. Some of our favorites include the Sassari, which is also Crocs’ first ever high-heeled design. We especially like its sleek retro-inspire wedge which retains the benefits of the Crocs slipper, the Croslite. The Sobek is also good, with its slip-in-slides that is great for sports and leisure. Available from #01-63/64 VivoCity, 1 HarbourFront Walk, 6272-0163.

The PreciseFIT system from Timberland is a must for those looking for those with an active lifestyle. These new shoes address the challenges of the perfect fit when it comes to footwear, and is available via a revolutionary system of three foot inserts—narrow, medium or wide. The medium insert minimizes the volume in the shoe, while the narrow, thicker insert adds volume. This certainly allows adjustments to be made for the tightness or gaps between the feet and shoes for those who are really on the go. Available from #01-09/13 Centrepoint, 176 Orchard Rd., 6735-9050.

#02-12 P/Q Ngee Ann City, 391 Orchard Rd., 6835-1307

After being closed for a few months, the On Pedder store returns with a hipper and more sophisticated face-lift. Fashionistas already love its collection of labels that include Givenchy, Chloe, Marc Jacobs, Marni, Costume National and Miu Miu, and the current update makes the shopping experience here even more inviting. The Singapore store, based on the same design concept as the On Pedder flagship in Hong Kong, includes two unique rooms with content and design different to one another. The wood room is set with earthy tones and includes an accessories display featuring novelty one-of-a-kind finds. The other room, The Salon, uses carpet and velour finishing to give a luxe and sophisticated environment to the more exclusive pieces featured, such as evening accessories and designer fine jewelry. Make your way here now.

At Your Finger Tips

Belkin, one of the most prolific iPod accessories makers, has come up with the SportCommand. Designed for the active iPod users, it lets them remote control their iPod from within a 50 feet radius while your precious iPod remains tucked somewhere safe and warm. Its lightweight and weather-resistant durability will allow you to enjoy your iPod in places where it has never ventured before. Look out for it in Jun when it will hit the shops.

Eye-Candy

The micro hi-fi system is back in the form of the LG Chocolate DVD Micro System FB162 ($399). As befits a product which is part of the “Chocolate AV Touch me series” and a winner of the Red Dot Award: Product Design 2007, this micro system is handsomely packaged. The stylish piano black design and touch pad navigator all add up to a sleek minimalist finish. Alongside some quality sounds churning out of its 160 W speakers, this a perfectly formed micro system which is immensely pleasing to the eye. Available at all major electronic retail outlets.

Visual Delight

The new LCD TV from Samsung, the Bordeaux Plus R8 LCD TV ($2,099-3,888) is a visual feast. It has curves in all the right places and comes in either neo-classic black or pearl white. It comes in a 32”, 37” and 40” versions. In terms of hardware, this isn’t a lightweight either, boasting an impressive 8000:1 dynamic contrast radio and a new Wide Colour Enhancer to add to your visual pleasure. Decorate your home with it from Samsung Flagship Store, #02-28/29 VivoCity, 1 HarbourFront Walk, 6376-9150.

Music To Your Ears

The newest addition to the XpressMusic phone range, Nokia 5700 XpressMusic is meant for the young and young at heart. The iconic twist design allows users to switch between four different modes with ease—music player, 2 megapixel camera, video call and smartphone. Music lovers need not fret about not having their favorite tracks to hand, as this music-driven device allows you to store up to 1,500 tracks. And with in-built stereo loudspeakers, you need not be selfish about your music either. This will hit our shelves in a few months.

How do you define a chio bu?
One that is chio (sexy) and one that is bu (female).

How do you attract an ah lian?
Get a lifetime K-Box membership.

How do you to keep your long nails intact?
Nourish with ear wax.

ABC Stout or Tiger?
Tiger.

Advice for a fight?
Run!

What’s your favorite Chinese movie of all time?
Chow Yun-Fatt’s A Better Tomorrow.

What kind of music or song always gets you on the dance floor?
Technotronic’s “Pump Up The Jam!”

It seems that engaging in orgies is (still) the Holy Grail (OK, maybe not so holy) of most Singaporeans’ sexual fantasies. We have people saying they are aching for threesomes, foursomes, fivesomes or even doing it with the whole national dragon boat team and rugby players (ahem, are you sure you have the stamina?).

Other saucy fantasies bring us into the world of S&M and role-playing, with people wishing they were playing masters and whipping things up and spanking the asses of celebrities like Ashton Kutcher, Johnny Depp and Robbie Williams. Dream on people, dream on, we say.

The more exhibitionistic fantasize about getting it on at spots to the likes of fire stations, elevators, lifts, buses, trains, snow mountains (brrr...) and yes—even on the Merlion (we bet the Singapore Tourism Board will have a fit, but it will definitely be a sight).

See all 2007 Sex Survey results here

Most Singaporean males seem to be fairly boring when it comes to their choice of objects to please themselves. We received more or less predictable answers like panties, lingerie, pillows, toilet rolls and socks (we hope they’re washed). But we did get a few puzzling answers such as frozen watermelons, CDs, face masks, wheels, lamb and even, erm, a squid (it’s dead, right?) that really got us scratching our heads (no, not that, the other one).

On the other hand, Singaporean females seem to exhibit more variety—and imagination—when it comes to playing with themselves. We had dildos, vibrators, bananas, pens, carrots, cooked sausages, markers, shower heads, screwdrivers, remote controls, combs, test tubes and beer bottles (careful there), but the answers that blow us away were Barbie dolls, dad’s belts and Spiderman figurines. Gosh, one even confessed to using a porcupine (ouch!).

See all 2007 Sex Survey results here

Despite reaching such a venerable age, the 20th Singapore International Film Festival is far from losing steam—over 300 films from 40 countries are being featured leaving moviegoers as spoilt for choice as ever. Already underway, here are our picks of essentials are the action really begins to hot up.

Singapore Swing

Premiering is local upstart Kan Lume (The Art of Flirting) and debutante NTU student Loo Zihan’s Solos (Apr 25, 7pm, National Museum). About the relationship between a man (Lim Yu Beng, Singapore Dreaming) and a boy (the multi-talented newbie Loo Zihan), expect some hot same sex action scenes in this one.

Not all locally made productions restrict themselves to Singapore, however. Local director Khee Jin Ng has travelled all the way to China to film Feet Unbound (Apr 22, 7pm, National Museum)—a story about a young woman who traverses 5,000 km by road across Beijing, Jiangxi and Sichuan provinces, and meets six elderly army women along the way.

Pride of Asia

The diversity of this vast continent is reflected in the huge range of Asian films on offer.

One for the action junkie, Bloody Tie (Apr 29, 9:15pm, Lido) is about police corruption and crime set in Pusan. Directed by Choi Ho (Who Are You?), this could be Korea’s answer to The French Connection.

The sub-continent is not left out either, but you will not get any Bollywood flicks here. Bangladeshi film Dollhouse (Apr 29, 11am, Lido) is a story of anguish and love between two refugees as they flee the Bangladeshi War of Independence in 1971. An offering by veteran film-maker Marshedul Islam (The Alienation).

Best of the Rest

Tantalising material also sums up the other offerings at the festival.

Be prepared to don your thinking caps when watching His Big White Self (Apr 28, 7pm, National Museum). Courtesy of Nick Broomfield (Aileen: Life and Death of a Serial Killer), a name big in the British documentary scene, this is an intriguing flick featuring the enigmatic Eugene Terreblanche—a white South African who thought the apartheid did not go far in enough in its racial discrimination.

If war is more your thing, check out The Colonel (Apr 22, 3pm, Lido) by director Laurent Herbiet. Set during the Algerian war, it is a dark portrayal of how war dehumanises people.

No festival would be complete without some heavy duty arthouse fare. Look out for Container (Apr 22, 9:15pm, Lido), Lukas Moodysson’s (A Hole in My Heart) most avant-garde film yet, as images of a cross-dressing man are voiced over by a delicate monologue courtesy of Jena Malone (The Ballad of Jack and Rose).

Sharanya Manivannan dabbles her fingers in a variety of trades. A promising writer, poet, dancer, actress and photographer, she hails from India and lives in Kuala Lumpur. As she hops over for the reading How to Cook a Wolf, we got her to show us a poem—before you read or hear of it anywhere else.

How to Eat a Wolf

Does all lust start and
end like this? Don't get me
wrong. I loved my wolf.
I held him tethered like
a pussycat. I nursed
the rumble in his belly
with hands gentle as a burglar's.
He lived on milk
and blood and ocean. He
had violets for his furs.

It's just that he was
beginning to devour me.
He nuzzled me with claws.
fondled me with fangs
sharp as yearning
He snaked a tongue so
hungry in its kiss it
turned my body to salt.

How do you douse a
dervish swirl? I asked.
Devour it, you said.

So I fantasised
about eating his balls,
rolling them in semolina
seeds and roasting them
golden. I got blooddrunk
on the thought of the
crisp tender cartilage of his ear,
left to simmer in tequila
and cilantro. The dry teats turned
sweet when baked with cinnamon
applesauce, or drizzled with chocolate.
The tangy musk of austerely steamed eyelid.

I set traps.

Mine is the deepest void,
the deepest void you'll ever know.
And so I lured him to a well.
A wolf can drown in its own
wetness. But mine swam
and lapped and doggypaddled
until I waded back in to get him.

Mine is the darkest smoulder,
the darkest smoulder you'll ever know.
And so I conspired to let him burn.
A wolf can poach in its own juices.
But mine danced on coals and leapt
ablaze, until I pussyfooted back in to get him.

I became desperate.
I preached to my wolf
about suicide, proselytized
about reincarnation. Come back
as a sleepy kitten, I said.
Come back as a hibernating bear.
Come back as a snail with a flag trail of surrender.
But my love was indefatiguable. It was
volcano and oceanic tremor. It was a black lace bra and
too much jazz at 3am.
My love was as big as betrayal.
I pleaded and pleaded until

you finally looked up and said,
You can only kill a wolf
you don't want to have,

and only then did I see that

your love
was exactly
the size of two fists.