Where to Crap on the Fly

Welcome, World Toilet Expo & Forum delegates! How fitting that our new, virtually toilet-free airport was your point of entry. Hopefully those of you with weak bladders were warned ahead of time and advised to do your business onboard your aircraft. If not, did you at least make it through passport control? You can see how badly you’re needed.

No doubt giving Bangkok a bathroom upgrade will take time, and for now it is simply not a place where you want to have stomach problems—but then, what city is? If you can’t use a squat toilet without losing your balance, or if you’ve ever broken into a cold sweat as you searched in vain for a place to relieve yourself, take a moment to familiarize yourself with our list of the top five emergency toilet retreats. When you’re in distress there’s no time to think calmly and rationally. You will need a predetermined plan of action. Thank us later.

There’s No Place Like Home

There is virtually no downside to taking care of business at home, first thing in the morning, before heading off into unfamiliar territory. You know where your bum sprayer has been, and there’s none of the embarrassment inherent in the act of relieving yourself in the company of complete strangers. We have a friend who refuses to go #2 outside of her home—she either holds it or cuts short the evening. Not the most realistic option, however.

Starbucks

Because coffee and crapping are virtually synonymous.

Upside: They’re ubiquitous, and the larger outlets usually have functioning, well-maintained bathrooms. Barristas are so busy they’ll never notice it when you bypass the register, grab a free copy of BK and make a beeline for the can.

Downside: The facilities are usually limited to his and hers single occupancy toilets and there can often be a wait. You’d think a purveyor of a diuretic which also stimulates your digestive system would spring for a few extra stalls.

Conclusion: There are better choices in an emergency. But with so few air-conditioned crappers in the Big Mango, who’s complaining?

Fast Food Outlets

The food tastes like crap anyway.

Upside: They’re more common than Starbucks

Downside: Unlike the food, the quality can vary wildly.

Conclusion: A crapshoot.

Malls

Retail release!

Upside: Paragon, Emporium, Silom Complex, et al all win the prize for accessibility, and as temples to wretched excess, some would argue that they deserve to be shat upon. Located in strategic locations around the city, most have locations on each floor, with multiple stalls, which means there is almost never a wait.

Downside: If you’re addicted to the bum sprayer, be warned—you’re not likely to find them in the loos of most Bangkok shopping malls. Often in the less posh malls the toilet paper will have run out as well. No spray + no toilet paper = big problem. Also, in some notorious shopping mall bathrooms, you’re liable to encounter extra-friendly fellas doing their best George Michael impression. (Or is that an “upside”?)

Conclusion: Avoid the potential confusion and embarrassment that can result from reaching under the partition and into the next stall in search of stray scraps of paper. Be prepared and carry pre-moistened baby wipes.

Five-Star Hotels

Never a letdown.

Upside: As long as you look the part, you can walk straight through most hotel lobbies without attracting much attention. Sure, the security guards can tell by the way you are walking that you are looking for the nearest loo, but it’s their job to weed out the gastrically distressed from the potentially dangerous. Hotel toilet facilities are nearly always immaculate, and if the hotel is fancy enough, there will be cloth towels to greet you when you are finished.

Downside: It is not immediately obvious where the toilet is when you first enter a hotel lobby. In a pinch, take the elevator to the conference room level. There are always toilets for conference goers, and unless there is a major function, these will be empty.

Conclusion: Those cloth hand towels are great for wiping the sweat off your brow during the hot season.

Bars and Pubs

Because restaurants are too embarrassing.

We’ve all gotten critical looks and outright refusals from restaurant staff for having the audacity, as non-paying patrons, to avail ourselves of their toilet facilities. That’s because it’s just tacky to traipse through an eating establishment with the sole purpose of taking a dump. But bars and pubs are a different animal. Hell, you’re expected to use the toilet here, and patrons and staff are usually busy enough that no one is going to notice.

Upside: Drunken patrons carve explicit phrases and images into stall walls.

Downside: Drunken patrons flash portions of their anatomy through holes and gaps in stall walls.

Chi-Chi Night Clubs

Fusing elimination with aesthetic sensibilities.

Upside: Really nice places like Route 66, Distil and V-9 are all favorites for view, stunning design or both.

Downside: Bathroom attendants can be rather aggressive in lobbying for tips. Cocaine residue found on virtually every flat surface inside the stalls can cause embarrassing stains, particularly if you’re wearing black.

Conclusion: While it might not be ideal to defecate during a night out on the town, it’s kind of cool, especially if the toilet stall costs more than your condo.

If you like to explore the mushroom-filled world of the Mario Brothers or mutilate mutant zombies in a glorified and gory fashion, there are a variety of video games on various consoles that allow you to do this. But it seems like it might be time for a game that will capture the Singaporean imagination. With that in mind, we made up a list of completely fictional video games we’d love to play that take our Singaporean lifestyle into account.

Resident Office

We’re sure you’ve thought about this one. Those co-workers who just refuse to flush the toilet, eat and drink your stuff from the pantry’s fridge and spend all day gossiping by the water-cooler—don’t pretend like you haven’t dreamt of beating the snot out of them.

We’d love to see a game where you get to vent these frustrations, preferably via the first person shooter platform (think Counter-Strike or Resident Evil). The objective is to arm yourself with potentially dangerous office tools like that bulky printer toner or the industrial sized stapler, then head from department to department, bludgeoning those imbeciles. Naturally, your final opponent would be the company’s head honcho.

We figure that this idea would sell like hotcakes and—contrary to reports of video game-inspired violence—might even make for a better work environment with all that animosity out of the way. Imagine Resident Office therapy sessions (after particularly brutal meetings) where workers get to play the hell out of the game instead of trooping off to the neighborhood coffee shop for a grouse. Doesn’t the mere thought of this bring a sense of relief?

Grand Taxi Uncle

There are few challenges greater than trying to get a cab during the dubious pre-midnight charge hour (between 11pm-midnight)—so we figured this would make a great video game, styled after the ever-popular Grand Theft Auto.

You’d have to partake in various “missions” involving particularly troublesome taxi drivers—like finding one who isn’t on call or can actually change a $50 note. We’d even throw in little bonus rounds where you can earn extra points if you can keep your player interested in whatever it is the taxi driver’s rambling on about.

We can’t imagine anyone who wouldn’t want to give this game a go. After all, it would be nice to gain sweet victory over those sneaky cabbies—without having to stand by the road for a good hour.

World of Shopping

Anyone who’s ever been through a mega sale knows that surviving one takes a whole lot of skill, planning, grit and guts. You need a perfect strategy before entering the battle ground, the right skills and equipment, staunch allies and an incredible amount of concentration to stay focused on the prize. Oh, yeah—this is a role playing game (RPG) waiting to happen.

Think about it—instead of setting this RPG in a fantastic magical land, we’d set it in a typical heartland mall. Elves and trolls as characters? Don’t think so. We would have the small and stout auntie with her shopping bag and the skinny ah lien who can squeeze through any crowd at your command.

With World of Warcraft and Diablo II being two of the most popular games in the world, we figure that this RPG focusing on one of Singapore’s favorite pastimes really is a no-brainer.

Need For Speed Limits

Sure, speed demons love going nuts on virtual race tracks with games like Gotham Racing and Need for Speed. But it takes real skill to try and keep your cool on Singaporean highways.

In this game, you would have to maneuver your way around vehicles that have stopped on the CTE during rush hour to gawk at an accident, while still managing to get the license plate number to buy 4D later on. Get around the moron who’s doing 60km/h in the fast lane when you’re already late for work. And the most challenging of all—snag a tight parking spot in a multi-story car park while not holding up five other vehicles waiting behind you! And as much as cool drum ’n’ bass music was a part of Need for Speed, annoying morning DJs would be integral to this game for added realism.

If, by some miracle, this game actually gets made, we even foresee quite a bit of potential for using it during training in driving schools.

Fifa Pai Kia

Take the football fun of the Fifa games from EA Sports, throw in some of the no-holds-barred action from fighting games like Street Fighter II, add in a healthy dose of Hokkien swear words and you’ve got a game that’s, well, actually a lot like playing soccer with a group of ah bengs.

Form your own customizable team of rowdy ruffians (complete with a kaleidoscope of gaudy hair colors and a selection of the stupidest outfits around) and enter them into a league against rival gangs to see who gets control of the neighborhood.

Scoring goals is only part of the challenge. Instead of just dodging tackles and slides, you have to avoid outright pushes and even eye contact. And after actually getting the ball in the back of the net, you’d still have to have a “one to one” confrontation with members of the opposite team, where you have the option to either calmly defuse the situation or “hoot” him back and get ready to rumble.

We’d even make it more appealing to the bengs themselves—by throwing in a score of techno and Canto music.

We’re not being cocky here, but you know that these would kick all sorts of ass if they were actually made. Game developers pay attention! Singaporeans are starved for some virtual entertainment with a bit more Singlish in them, so if you’re racking your brains looking for inspiration for the next gaming hit, just take a drive through our streets and a walk through our heartlands. There’re all sorts of weird and interesting characters and situations just waiting to get the video game treatment.