Where to Crap on the Fly

Welcome, World Toilet Expo & Forum delegates! How fitting that our new, virtually toilet-free airport was your point of entry. Hopefully those of you with weak bladders were warned ahead of time and advised to do your business onboard your aircraft. If not, did you at least make it through passport control? You can see how badly you’re needed.

No doubt giving Bangkok a bathroom upgrade will take time, and for now it is simply not a place where you want to have stomach problems—but then, what city is? If you can’t use a squat toilet without losing your balance, or if you’ve ever broken into a cold sweat as you searched in vain for a place to relieve yourself, take a moment to familiarize yourself with our list of the top five emergency toilet retreats. When you’re in distress there’s no time to think calmly and rationally. You will need a predetermined plan of action. Thank us later.

There’s No Place Like Home

There is virtually no downside to taking care of business at home, first thing in the morning, before heading off into unfamiliar territory. You know where your bum sprayer has been, and there’s none of the embarrassment inherent in the act of relieving yourself in the company of complete strangers. We have a friend who refuses to go #2 outside of her home—she either holds it or cuts short the evening. Not the most realistic option, however.

Starbucks

Because coffee and crapping are virtually synonymous.

Upside: They’re ubiquitous, and the larger outlets usually have functioning, well-maintained bathrooms. Barristas are so busy they’ll never notice it when you bypass the register, grab a free copy of BK and make a beeline for the can.

Downside: The facilities are usually limited to his and hers single occupancy toilets and there can often be a wait. You’d think a purveyor of a diuretic which also stimulates your digestive system would spring for a few extra stalls.

Conclusion: There are better choices in an emergency. But with so few air-conditioned crappers in the Big Mango, who’s complaining?

Fast Food Outlets

The food tastes like crap anyway.

Upside: They’re more common than Starbucks

Downside: Unlike the food, the quality can vary wildly.

Conclusion: A crapshoot.

Malls

Retail release!

Upside: Paragon, Emporium, Silom Complex, et al all win the prize for accessibility, and as temples to wretched excess, some would argue that they deserve to be shat upon. Located in strategic locations around the city, most have locations on each floor, with multiple stalls, which means there is almost never a wait.

Downside: If you’re addicted to the bum sprayer, be warned—you’re not likely to find them in the loos of most Bangkok shopping malls. Often in the less posh malls the toilet paper will have run out as well. No spray + no toilet paper = big problem. Also, in some notorious shopping mall bathrooms, you’re liable to encounter extra-friendly fellas doing their best George Michael impression. (Or is that an “upside”?)

Conclusion: Avoid the potential confusion and embarrassment that can result from reaching under the partition and into the next stall in search of stray scraps of paper. Be prepared and carry pre-moistened baby wipes.

Five-Star Hotels

Never a letdown.

Upside: As long as you look the part, you can walk straight through most hotel lobbies without attracting much attention. Sure, the security guards can tell by the way you are walking that you are looking for the nearest loo, but it’s their job to weed out the gastrically distressed from the potentially dangerous. Hotel toilet facilities are nearly always immaculate, and if the hotel is fancy enough, there will be cloth towels to greet you when you are finished.

Downside: It is not immediately obvious where the toilet is when you first enter a hotel lobby. In a pinch, take the elevator to the conference room level. There are always toilets for conference goers, and unless there is a major function, these will be empty.

Conclusion: Those cloth hand towels are great for wiping the sweat off your brow during the hot season.

Bars and Pubs

Because restaurants are too embarrassing.

We’ve all gotten critical looks and outright refusals from restaurant staff for having the audacity, as non-paying patrons, to avail ourselves of their toilet facilities. That’s because it’s just tacky to traipse through an eating establishment with the sole purpose of taking a dump. But bars and pubs are a different animal. Hell, you’re expected to use the toilet here, and patrons and staff are usually busy enough that no one is going to notice.

Upside: Drunken patrons carve explicit phrases and images into stall walls.

Downside: Drunken patrons flash portions of their anatomy through holes and gaps in stall walls.

Chi-Chi Night Clubs

Fusing elimination with aesthetic sensibilities.

Upside: Really nice places like Route 66, Distil and V-9 are all favorites for view, stunning design or both.

Downside: Bathroom attendants can be rather aggressive in lobbying for tips. Cocaine residue found on virtually every flat surface inside the stalls can cause embarrassing stains, particularly if you’re wearing black.

Conclusion: While it might not be ideal to defecate during a night out on the town, it’s kind of cool, especially if the toilet stall costs more than your condo.

You’d be emptying your pockets for the privilege of catching an act like the Eldee Young Trio in New York, Chicago or Tokyo. Lucky you—it just so happens that this former member of the renowned Ramsey Lewis Trio likes Thailand—a lot—and has made the Living Room at the Sheraton Grande Sukhumvit his second home.

Even if you’re not having fun, be assured that Eldee is—that smile on his face is genuine. Not surprising for a man who has been doing what he loves since the time when Big Bands and jazz trios ruled the radio, the stage and the recording industry. He handles the jazz bass like it is part of him. His vocals are at times tongue-in-cheek, but expertly delivered with a mellowness and depth reminiscent of Nat King Cole.

Drop in on Eldee Young, Shawn Kelly on drums and Taurey Butler on piano, and get hip to how lucky you are to live in Bangkok.

How do you keep your performances fresh?
I love music. I love playing for people. In my heart I’m having a ball. I enjoy doing what I am doing for a living. I am blessed in that sense in so many ways.

How has the jazz scene and the music business changed over the years?
The whole business of music is going crazy. The promotion line is everything is young; you’re either young or you’re dead. Everything over maybe 35 is heading towards extinction. The music and everything is geared toward the young, and the sensual. Kids think you can’t dance to jazz. But that’s just not true.

What do you think about the evolution of the jazz scene here?
The growth of jazz is fantastic in Thailand. There have always been good musicians here who play local and pop music, but there are some musicians around now who are playing jazz very, very well. In Asia, the first city for jazz was always Tokyo followed by Singapore. Now they have jazz festivals in Thailand and they turn out great. I feel good about it.

Who were your major musical influences?
Duke Ellington, for sure. One of the big deals of my life was to meet the man and shake his hand. When I was just a kid, my oldest brother took me to see one of his concerts. The horns were shining and the music was beautiful... Josephine Baker had just returned from Europe, and here was this beautiful woman who came out on stage. I was maybe 11 years old, but I appreciated that woman. I told my brother, that’s what I want to do: Go up there and play on the bandstand.

Which female vocalists do you most admire?
Aretha Franklin is the Queen now. She can sing jazz, she can sing standards—she can do whatever she wants to do. Aretha used to come by the club I played in Detroit when I was with the Ramsey Lewis Trio. We played a gig one Saturday night and Aretha was hanging out with us. After we finished, at 7:30 in the morning, we went to her house. Her sisters were up and she sat down at the piano and she and her sisters sang some gospel music for us. She was very sweet. I really, really love Aretha.

Live performers at the Conrad hotel’s swanky Diplomat Bar have just gotta find it a challenge. A massive circular bar divides the two-story-high space in half and blocks a clear view of the stage for many of the patrons. Audiences are an incongruous “bar-at-the-end-of the-universe” hodgepodge of music-lovers keen to listen, oh-so hi-so locals chatting at the top of their lungs and out-of-town businessmen more focused on the omnipresent array of beautiful women perched at the far end of the bar than they are on the music. (Did someone just request Love for Sale by Cole Porter AGAIN?) Enter singer, songwriter Arlee Leonard, a unique talent with a four-octave range, and a soulful presence that somehow brings a harmonious balance to the room—easily filling every corner without overpowering the center. Listening to her voice, it becomes clear that she could blow the roof off the place if she wanted to—but only at the right moments.

What can people expect when they come to see Arlee?
A nice mélange of jazz styles. I always like to mix it up. I sing straight ahead standards, more modern jazz, Brazilian classics, blues and ballads. I’ll put in some pop classics and jazz them up a little bit. I’ll do some original stuff—just all stuff that I love.

Where would you like to see your career ten years from now?
Ideally in 10 years I would be a recognized recording artist performing around the world with my own group. I would be a published author. I would be a Grammy winning singer, why not? (laughs). Maybe I would even be in love and settle down with a great partner in the middle of all of that! With home, thank you very much—a real home!

Your parents are performers and well-known on the New Orleans blues scene. Have you been able to get involved with the Hurricane Katrina relief efforts?
My parents started their own hurricane relief tour raising money for three organizations that help New Orleans musicians: the Tipitina’s Foundation, The Preservation Hall Foundation and the New Orleans Musicians’ Clinic. A percentage of the sales from my CD, Wild Honey, went for hurricane relief.

What do you see for the future of New Orleans? How do you see things panning out there?
Keeping the soul of New Orleans is important to me. I have a project that I am working on called The Soul of New Orleans. It is so intense for me, I don’t know if it will be a CD or a stage show. But I know I want to do my part to shine a light on, or bring the focus back to New Orleans.

Eileina Williams is as comfortable singing jazz and blues as she is unleashing her voice in a gospel choir, or belting out one of her chart-topping hits on the European club circuit. The versatile and truly international singer, who is now based in LA, has been honing her talents since her first performance at the age of three in her minister-father’s church in Birmingham, England. Since then she has scored pop hits in Italy, sung for Moroccan royalty and worked with greats like Nina Simone, Randy Crawford and Paul Young. Eileina will be singing for the first time in Asia at The Living Room.

What was it like being a star in Italy?
It was an absolutely wonderful experience for me, and I miss it terribly. The degree of admiration and respect that you get from people in Italy who know you are an artist is incredible. To have people come out to see you perform and listen so intently that you can hear a pin drop is a wonderful thing.

Why change to jazz?
Well, I was living in Italy, and I was singing a lot of R&B. I saw Gloria Gaynor perform. And she was huge. They actually had to sort of hoist her up on the stage! And I thought, “Oh my God! That will not be me at that age, singing disco! It kind of scared me. (Anyway, Gloria is much thinner now. She looks fantastic.) One of the very first songs I worked on was "I Cover the Waterfront", originally sung by Billie Holiday. And I felt as though I had come home singing-wise. The same emotions and the same elevations that I get when I sing gospel were perfectly fit to jazz and I thought, “Wow! This is what I am going to be singing!”

Was it difficult coming from R&B?
With R&B you get into the groove, jump around, move your head and sing at the top of your lungs and inject 10 different notes into the word “baby”! With jazz you really have to listen to all of the elements—there are the drums and the piano and the bass—and then lay your vocals in the right places. You really have to have your head in a different mind space.

Biggest jazz influences?
Shirley Horne, Carmen McRae, Billie Holiday and Sarah Vaughn.

What else do you listen to?
I really like to listen to opera, having lived in Italy for so many years. There is so much power behind their voices.

From your recordings, it sounds like your voice also has a lot of power.
I actually have to move the microphone away sometimes, so I don’t deafen people. I did a concert once in Italy in a club adjacent to a mink coat factory. I was singing so loud I set off the security alarms!