Masochism has a bad rep. Sometimes, the only way to know that you’re really alive is to be screaming through gritted teeth. Fortunately, you no longer have to risk arrest and humiliation, as there are a number of legitimate establishments offering pure agony disguised as holistic healing. We tracked down the city’s toughest wellness treatments and put them to the test.

Rolfing

Rolfing Wellness, #05-10B, Far East Shopping Centre, 545 Orchard Rd., 6423-1685, www.rolfing.com.sg.
Not to be confused with ROFLing (rolling on the floor laughing, in e-speak), Rolfing has been around for more than 50 years. Developed by Ida Rolf, it aims to correct misalignment of the body, through manipulation of the fascia, the connective tissue that surrounds our muscle and nervous system. What that translates to is serious deep tissue massage over a prescribed course of 10 sessions; and, in the case of Vincent Lee, Singapore’s first certified Rolfer, the ability to transmit his entire body weight through his elbow into your back. The warning signs are there from the beginning: The first thing you’re asked to do once the manipulation begins (following a quick chat through your medical history) is to describe the level of pain you’re experiencing on a scale from one to 10—one being none and 10 being excruciating. Disappointingly, our pain score never exceeded a solid four. But the results were immediate, even after just one session: A straighter back and a lightness of limb we hadn’t felt in a long time. Price: $120 (60 minutes).
Pain Rating: 2/5
Effectiveness: 4/5

Zone Point Therapy

Willet Zone Point Therapies, #04-15, Far East Shopping Centre, 545 Orchard Rd., 9382-2748. What is it with Far East Shopping Centre and painful treatments? If Vincent Lee hasn’t Rolfed you into submission on the fifth floor, head down a level and shake hands with Willet Ong. That soft handshake is the initial part of his diagnosis, followed immediately by an agonizing 60 seconds of him pressing heavily on your cuticles. By determining which of them hurts, and watching the blood flowing back from your nails, Ong claims to be able to ascertain which areas of your body are likely to be tense and painful. Despite a healthy dose of cynicism on our part, the subsequent massage certainly seemed to nail just the right spots, but was even more painful than the diagnosis. The technique involves Ong’s clenched fists furiously kneading the knots out of every corner of your body, right down to the groin. Had we seen the sign on the wall beforehand—“Please note that if you experience bruises and swelling on your body … do not be alarmed. This is a sign of the body in the process of healing”—we might have thought twice. That would have been our loss. Price: Health screening by handshake and finger pressing $20, massage $30 (15 minutes), $60 (30 minutes), $100 (60 minutes).
Pain Rating: 4/5
Effectiveness: 4/5

Tui Na

Refresh Day Spa, #02-08 Far East Plaza, 14 Scotts Rd., 6733-6344, www.refresh.com.sg/dayspa. Anyone who didn’t know better would be forgiven for thinking that “tui na” is Chinese for “Damn, that hurts.” Actually, it means to push and grasp with the hands, and this style of vigorous massage, not unlike a cross between shiatsu and acupressure, has several thousand years of pedigree. Like other therapeutic massages (though not Rolfing and its manipulation of the fascia) tui na targets muscles, with the goal of opening up the body’s chi channels (it is a form of TCM, after all). By far the most relaxing of the treatments we tried, it nevertheless hurts like hell at certain points:Specifically, when the masseuse presses down with her knuckles on the back of your neck (creating an uneasy feeling of total paralysis); and later when she straddles the table and lifts her entire body skyward, using the base of your spine as an anchor. Typically, tui na is combined with a spot of ba guan (fire cupping), though in the interests of maxing out on pain, we declined (cupping might be unsightly, even uncomfortable if it’s your first time, but it doesn’t really hurt). The result: One of the most thorough and impressive massages we’ve had in a long, long time. Price: $128 (60 minutes), $168 (90 minutes); Ba guan cupping optional.
Pain Rating: 3/5
Effectiveness: 5/5

Shockwave Puncture Massage

Qi Spa, #03-09/10 Great World City, 6836-3682, www.qimantra.com. This acupressure treatment, exclusive to Qi Spa, involves the use of a rapid-fire hand-held device to penetrate deeper than what hands can reach, blast away persistent knots and supposedly stimulate new blood flow to the area in the process. It’s the polar opposite of a regular massage, in that you find yourself tensing up in anticipation of the electro-clicking sound that announces the next pulse. And boy do those pulses hurt. The device doesn’t just look like a gun; it inflicts pain like one too. While we were somewhat humbled to be told ours was on one of the lowest settings, there’s no getting around the fact that this isn’t a treatment for the faint of heart. It’s like volunteering for a skit in Jackass; only it won’t bring you fame and fortune, and the only audience is a pretty girl waiting to deliver more pain. Bringing some friends along might be a good idea—at least you can laugh when it’s someone else’s turn. We suspect we weren’t getting the full benefit, as this is really designed for people with chronic problems, but we certainly felt less tense afterward. That, though, might just have been relief at walking away alive. Price: $198 (90 minutes).
Pain Rating: 5/5
Effectiveness: 2/5

CoolSculpting by Zeltiq

Medical Aesthetics @ Cluny, #02-12 Cluny Court, 501 Bukit Timah Rd., 6462-2559, www.dryvonnegoh.com. It seems harmless enough—CoolSculpting has been featured on high profile TV shows, and is a non-surgical alternative to liposuction. The technique involves a machine drawing up your folds of flesh, and the fat cells within them. But the word ‘‘cool’’ is misleading: It’s positively freezing when it kicks in. Imagine getting frostbite—you can’t really tell where the pain is coming from but it’s definitely there. It takes almost an hour; and though the discomfort becomes more bearable after 10 minutes, you’ll still be thankful for the TV screen and its distracting Sex and the City rerun. And just when you think the worst has passed, the nozzle is released to reveal a huge block of frozen abdominal flesh, only eased by a brief massage. Dr. Yvonne Goh’s assurance that the fat cells there have been “frozen to death” and will be eliminated from the body in the next few months does nothing to ease the horror. n Price: Approximately $1,500, depending on target area.
Pain Rating: 3/5
Effectiveness: 3/5
(coupled with a proper diet and exercise plan, of course).