A is for

Audience. During the 2002 World Cup, an average of over 300 million people watched each game, for a total tournament audience of 28.8 billion. The record for attending a soccer match is 199,854, for the 1950 World Cup final between Brazil and Uruguay in Rio de Janeiro.

B is for

Bleary-eyed. In 2002, the tournament was held in Japan and Korea, so soccer fans in Asia were able to watch the games at sane hours. Not in 2006, however. Some will begin as early as 3pm German-time, which translates to a reasonable 8pm here. But most matches (all of the semifinal games, for example) kick off at 9pm, or 2am Thai time.

C is for

Cameroon. One of the best teams in Africa, Cameroon was the first country from the continent to make it to the quarterfinals (in 1990), with a streak of four consecutive appearances—until 2006. With the score tied at 1-1 in their final qualifying match at home against Egypt, in which a victory would have sent them to Germany, Cameroon were awarded a penalty kick (a “free” kick right in front of the goal) with only seconds remaining. While thousands of fans watched, the players argued with each other over who would take it. Finally one of them grabbed the ball from the others and appointed himself the right man for the job. He wasn’t: His shot hit the goalpost, and the player needed police protection until he left the country. (Maybe this one should have been “E” for “Embarrassing”—or “S” for “stupid”?)

D is for

Drinking game. To stave off boredom, invite a bunch of friends ‘round for a morning of football and alcohol abuse. Feel free to make up your own rules, but here is one way you could play: Every time an announcer says “Oh-ho!” (a Thai announcer, obviously), drink. If a player hugs another player and the two (or more) look like they’d be at home in DJ Station, drink. Every time a player kisses or rubs his nose on another player, drink twice. When a player takes a dive (see “F”), bottoms up (finish your drink). And every time the camera focuses on a former member of Take That, finish what’s in your can/bottle/glass and drink another one.

E is for

Escape. You can run, but you can’t hide. The World Cup will be everywhere you look and listen—on billboards, TV, radio, the Internet; in newspapers, waiting rooms, department stores, restaurants, toilets and taxis. And you can bet your office will have a betting pool. (See “G”.)

F is for

Faking it. At least one international referee has called “diving” (faking an injury so that a foul is called on your opponent) the biggest problem in soccer. (Though that was before the recent match fixing scandal in Italy broke.) Players falling to the ground after a tiny bit of contact is all-too common these days—especially in the opponent’s “penalty box.” Need examples? Keep an eye on Ivory Coast star Didier Drogba, who is notorious for his theatrics—you can be sure the referees will. Unlike in other sports, soccer referees cannot consult instant replay. But they can give a yellow card (see “Y”) to a player for diving, and this year they’ve been instructed to specifically look out for this pathetic practice and punish offenders.

G is for

Gambling. The last World Cup saw Thais betting (illegally) to the tune of over B10 billion. And during the three-week Euro 2004 tournament, the figure topped B30 billion. To prevent more of the same, 100 special units of Bangkok’s men in brown will be arresting bookies and punishing fellow officers who turn a blind eye to gambling in their jurisdictions. Following a recent poll, however, researchers at ABAC are predicting that over 800,000 of us will wager over B2 billion this year on the World Cup. In the same poll, over 60 percent of those who plan to gamble said they were not worried about being arrested by police. In case you were wondering (“for entertainment purposes only”), international bookmakers are favoring Brazil, England, Germany and Argentina.

H is for

Hooliganism. Football-related violence is a problem all over Europe, and most of it is blamed on the stereotypical uneducated drunk white male thug known as the “hooligan.” English hooligans are the most infamous, which explains in part why the majority of the more than 500 foreign police officers who will be helping out in Germany for the World Cup are British. The Brit cops have even been granted full powers of arrest for the duration of the tournament.

I is for

“I go.” Though it sounds like Thinglish, this phrase is used by perfectly literate native English-speakers, we are told. It’s short for something like, “I’m going after that ball now, so don’t get in my way.” Go figure.

J is for

Juggling. Clowns do it, busy mothers do it, Tiger Woods does it and soccer players do it. In the context of the “beautiful game,” it’s keeping the ball in the air using any part of your body except your arms or hands.

K is for

Kit. Sales of counterfeit World Cup clothing are expected to top B1 billion this month. Not sure if what you’re buying out of the back of that truck is real or pirated? Expect to pay at least B2,500-3,000 for a “real” jersey, while an unlicensed version will set you back only a few hundred baht. To give you some idea what you’re paying for—other than nifty craftsmanship and cutting-edge design—Nike is giving the Brazilian team B456 million per year to wear its clothing, plus an extra B226 million if they win the Cup.

L is for

Lev Yashin. The award that goes to the tournament’s best goalkeeper is named after this Russian, who is said to have blocked 150 penalty kicks during his career, more than any other goalie in history. His secret? A smoke and a stiff drink to calm his nerves. Because of the color of his outfits and his amazing agility, Yashin was called “Black Panther,” as well as “Black Octopus” and “Black Spider”—but not “Black Russian.”

M is for

Money. Sponsors have forked out big bucks to be associated with this year’s bash—over B29 billion to be an “Official Partner of the 2006 FIFA World Cup Germany.” If you ride the Skytrain a lot, you’d be forgiven for thinking Pepsi is a sponsor. But only Coke is allowed to put the World Cup logo on its cans. Even the names of the stadiums where some of the games are being held have been temporarily changed to reflect sponsorship. For example, since poor insurance company Allianz is not an official partner, their “Allianz Arena” sign has been removed and replaced with “FIFA World Cup Stadium.” And if you want to buy World Cup tickets with your credit card, it had better be MasterCard. The winning team will take home B776 million.

N is for

Neo Nazis. Far-right crime has increased by over 20% this year in Germany, and some observers fear that right-wing violence might rear its ugly (skin)head during the games.

O is for

Offside. One of the most confusing, least-understood and controversial rules in sport, the offside rule says that an offensive player must have at least two defensive players from the other team between him and the opponents’ goal when the ball is passed to him. The exceptions are when he is in his own half of the field or when the ball reaches him via a throw-in, goal kick or corner kick. Uh, got that?

P is for

Productivity. The World Cup is an employer’s nightmare. In England, for example, this four-week period will be the least productive of the year. In 2002, nearly one-third of the working population took at least one day off or called in sick to watch a game. The final, between England and Argentina, cost the country nearly B94 billion in lost productivity. Even in the US, where soccer lags far behind (American) football, baseball and basketball, estimates run as high as B351 billion this year if Team USA makes it past the first round. If. (See “U”.)

Q is for

Qualifying. You can’t just sign your team up and go to the World Cup. The field of nearly 200 competing sides needs to be whittled down to the much more manageable 32, and this takes time—26 months starting in September 2003.

R is for

Referee. Alas, our national team didn’t make it this year, but our proud rule-loving nation will be represented in the officiating ranks. Linesman Prachya Permpanich, whose day job is sportswriter, is the only Thai (assistant) referee at the tournament.

S is for

Sriracha. The Adidas “Teamgeist” (“Team Spirit”) soccer balls used in this year’s World Cup were made in a factory in the province famous for its hot sauce. While the 400 workers are proud of their work, some top goalkeepers have complained that the balls are too slippery, especially when they are wet. These speedy spheres are good for players trying to score—and the goal-hungry public—but not the men in the net.

T is for

Teams from countries you might not expect to be there. In fact, you might not have even heard of them. Quick, name the continents these nations are located in: Togo, Trinidad & Tobago and Tunisia.

U is for

USA. For some bizarre reason the USA are ranked #4 in the world, but few take the Yanks seriously—perhaps because those stubborn Americans refuse to join the rest of the world and call the sport “football.”

V is for

Victory. If you only watch one game, we suppose it should be the final. Set your alarms for July 9 at 1am Sunday night/Monday morning in Bangkok.

W is for

Website. http://fifaworldcup.yahoo.com (Guess that means Yahoo is an official partner—we confirmed this by Google-ing it).

X is for

Xavi. Barcelona midfielder Xavier Hernandez Creus is one of the stars of the Spanish team. (Well, do you have anything better for “X”?)

Y is for

Yellow card. In addition to blowing his whistle really, really loud in their ears, there are three ways a referee can punish players (or coaches) who break the rules. One is a standard “foul,” and the other team gets a “free kick” (of the ball, not the player who did the fouling). If a player is especially naughty, the referee can give him a “red card,” ejecting him from the game and banning him from the next two games. A “yellow card”—a “caution”—is the middle ground; but a player who picks up two yellow cards in one game earns a red (and the boot), as well.

Z is for

Zico. Japan’s Brazilian coach was a star player in Brazil, Italy and Japan, and many people consider him Brazil’s second greatest player after Pele.