Maybe you’ve been there too—that moment when you think the dry cleaner has shrunk half of your wardrobe in a terrible steam-pressing accident, causing your legs to no longer fit into your pants. A trip on the Sky Train is scrapped because going up those stairs seems far too much like hard work. And your two new boyfriends are named Ben and Jerry.
The solution: get fit, fast. But if you want to keep prying eyes off your cottage cheese thighs at the gym and your brain from inventing myriad excuses for you to stay at home (“the latest Entourage episode comes on in 85 minutes!”), there is only one solution: A four- to six-week long program called “Boot Camp” dedicated to making you and your fat miserable.
For three days a week at Lumpini Park and at around B10,000 a month, commitment is usually not a problem—even in the face of 6am starts and far-too-cheery motivational chatter before the first coffee of the day. Since exercises during the 60-minute sessions (ranging from hill sprints to innocuous-looking stretchy band things that are actually the devil) are time-oriented rather than result-oriented, people can feel free to work at their own pace. Goals include a higher heart rate, improved flexibility, lower body fat, and better confidence once your time is up. And if you feel dissatisfied with your experience, there’s even a money-back guarantee.
Be serious and be prepared: Boot Camp rewards the hard working and is only open to people who are committed to trying all of the exercises, even those murderous suicide drills. Cringing moments during the sessions (aside from crying like a girl during pull-ups and tripping over your jump rope) include the shout-out of how many calories you’ve expended at the end of the sessions. Women, on average, use up about 400-800 calories in a one-hour session, while men can go from 600-1,000. And if you’re looking to snag a cute, fit mate during the Camp, you will be sorely disappointed—most people are really into getting fit and you won’t be in any condition to lure anything other than flies. “We can be selective about who we work with, because we take our job seriously,” says Daniel Remon, head of Fitcorp, the company running Boot Camp.
Sick of the snarky skinny girls by the drinks machine at your gym? Tired of knowing the names of all the contestants on America’s Next Top Model? Think you’re up to the Boot Camp challenge? To sign up, contact Remon at 02-656-8828/-30 or email email@example.com.