Because there will always be bad people out there, there are laws. For the rest of us, there are manners, the lubricants that allow the machine of society to operate without breaking down every 20 minutes. Unfortunately, the rules haven’t kept up with the times, leading to confusion and apathy.

What a minefield etiquette can be! If Mr. KIA had a baht for every question he received about manners, he would be Mr. Own-It-All instead of Mr. Know-It-All. But, don’t worry, Mr. KIA does this out of the goodness of his heart, not for material gain.

So here is a selection of Mr. KIA’s guidelines for the modern guy and gal.

You and Your Mobile Phone

The general rule is this: You should not talk anywhere other people have no choice but to listen to your conversation. That means enclosed spaces or in quiet places where people are trying to concentrate, recover or relax. So walking down Silom during your lunch hour, yak all you want, as loud as you want, gesticulate as wildly as you like. You’ll look like an idiot, and you might forget to watch where you’re going and fall into a hole in the sidewalk, but that’s your problem.

• Nightclubs, beer gardens, bowling alleys, rock concerts, fast-food restaurants: OK to talk.

• Fine dining restaurants, hospital rooms, movie theaters, the opera or classical concerts, funerals, tennis matches: Not OK to talk, not OK to answer, and your ringer should be turned off if your phone isn’t.

• Elevator, BTS, MRT: OK to answer and tell the caller you cannot talk at the moment.

• Casual restaurants: OK to answer, but not to engage in a long conversation.

• Jazz performance in an auditorium: Not OK to talk, not OK to answer. Turn off your phone!

• Jazz performance in nightclub: OK if you’re discreet, but be careful that it’s not someone like Alice Day singing because she’ll kick your ass.

There are slight adjustments to these rules when you’re in a group, especially if there are just two of you, and especially if it’s a romantic interest. Call Mr. KIA old-fashioned, but answering the phone and then holding a conversation when you’re sitting with someone else is just plain rude.

1. Don’t do it. But if you must….

2. Say something like, “I’m sorry, do you mind if I take this call?”

3. Keep it short.

4. If you can’t keep it short, excuse yourself from the table and hold your conversation in a less obvious place.

As for in the workplace, if you’re in a meeting:
1. Turn your ringer off.

2. If you absolutely must take a call, leave the room.

Does Mr. KIA consider the practice of hanging up after one ring so the other person will call you back (and thus shoulder the charges) bad manners? No. It’s tacky, but acceptable. After all, the other party doesn’t have to return your call.

Blazin’ Thumbs: SMS

You can get away with a bit more with SMS.

• SMS on the BTS or MRT: OK

• Restaurants (except for the really fancy ones that ban phones completely—good for them): OK

• Movie theaters: Not OK. It’s distracting to others, especially if your phone beeps everytime you press a button.

• Meetings (for work): Maybe.

• On a date (unless you’re trying to get rid of him): Never.

In Cyberspace

It’s bad manners to lie about yourself in emails, in chat rooms and in your profile on “networking” sites. If you’re asked something you don’t want to answer, then don’t answer.

Photoshopping your picture: OK to a certain degree (photo shops and studios do it all the time).

Posting a photo of someone else and pretending that it’s you: Not OK. That’s false advertising.

Posting a photo of yourself taken five or more years ago: Not OK. Same reason.

Doorway Etiquette

Here’s a little quiz for ya. What do you do when the elevator you’ve been waiting for arrives and the door opens?
a. Without making eye contact, I push my way through before people start exiting the elevator.

b. I stand directly in front and in the center of the doors and make the people who are exiting walk around me.

c. I patiently wait for those who are trying to exit the elevator to get out before I enter the elevator.

If you answered a or b, here’s what Mr. KIA concludes about you.

1. You’re an egomaniac. Basically you’re saying, “I am more important than everyone else, so get the hell out of my way.” You believe in survival of the fittest and you, obviously, are the fittest so you deserve to get that prime spot in the back corner or whatever.

2. You’re an idiot. You believe that by being a bully, you’ll arrive at your stop or floor faster. In fact, this slows things down, which is why the BTS and MRTA have put those stickers on the floor and why they have announcements reminding people to let passengers off first. The doors won’t shut in your face. You won’t get left behind.

On the BTS or MRT, make room for others by going all the way into the car. Again, those announcements are for a reason.

Do not lean on the poles as your sweaty body is preventing seven other peole around you from holding onto something.

Seat etiquette: If a seat becomes available while on public transportation, don’t just plant your fat ass in it without thinking about others. Here’s the hierarchy of who gets the seat: disabled people, monks, elderly people, little kids, women, and lastly men. (sorry, fellas). However, if you do get a seat and you see someone carrying something really heavy, Mr. KIA always admires the citizen who offers to hold the standing person’s package. It’s a thoughtful thing to do.

As for doors that swing open, it’s good manners to be aware if there is a person behind you and hold it just a bit so it doesn’t smack him in the face.

In the 21st Century, should a man hold a door open for a woman? Definitely. But a man should also hold a door open for a man; a woman should hold a door open for a man; and a woman should hold a door open for a woman. It’s about courtesy, not chivalry.

Modern Man on the Move

There’s no greater example of man’s inhumanity to man than during rush hour when it’s raining and the masses are fighting over cabs. It would be ideal if we had more taxi stands—if you can see one, you’re obliged to walk to it and wait in line. But they are few and far between, so here are Mr. KIA’s rules for hailing taxis. Assume you’ve come out of a venue and walked to the street and there is already someone else waiting for a cab

Do: If she is to the left of you (“down” the road) and less than 10 meters from you, wave the next taxi on so she can take it.

Don’t: If she is to the right of you (“up” the road), walk behind her and past her so you can grab the next taxi.

Remember Microbuses? Limited to 20 seats, air-conditioned, sane drivers—and all for B40! During rush hour they were often full, and as Mr. KIA flagged one down the conductor signaled that there was one seat left. It stopped in front of him, the driver opened the doors and just as his was about to raise his foot into the bus—bam!—from out of nowhere a tiny old woman body-checked Mr. KIA onto the asphalt. He was so shocked all he could do was laugh, and the driver assumed that this meant that he was free to drive off with that terrible woman in what should have been Mr. KIA’s seat.

In the Gym

1. Don’t sit on the damn equipment when you’re not using it.

2. Wipe your damn sweat of the equipment.

3. Rack your damn weights.

4. Don’t try to speak to Mr. KIA when he’s listening to his bitchin’ iPod mix.

Optional: Doing the put on/take off-your-underwear-while-wearing-a-towel thing.

Good manners: Wearing a towel when you’re walking around in the locker room.

Mr. KIA’s Rules For Email

To your mom or a client, write an email just as you would write a letter. That means:
1. Correct punctuation.

2. Capital letters. (How hard is it to press the shift key?)

3. Paragraphs or double spaces. (How hard is it to press the enter key?)

4. Salutation. (“Dear Mom…”)

5. Sign-off. (“Yours truly…”)

With your close friends, family members other than mom and work colleagues, you can relax a bit.
1. It’s not necessary to use a salutation or even post your name at the end (that’s what the signature function is for).

2. But not ALL CAPS or all lowercase.

3. Unless you’re 16, leave the emoticons and abbreviations (“LOL! ROTF!”) out.

Are you one of those people who emails 50 people with attached multimedia jokes, greeting cards with poems about friendship, or photos of that cute thing your dog did yesterday?
1. Stop it.

2. If you insist, ask them first: “Hey! Do you want me to send you 20 high-res pics of little Somchai taking his first dump?”

3. And for god’s sake, use BCC.

If you’re sending out emails to multiple recipients for work, you should always include a note somewhere in the email which gives the receiver a chance to be removed from your list by clicking on a link or replying with your choice of phrase in the subject field.

Who Pays?

In Thailand the traditional formula for figuring out who pays has always been (in order):
1. The guy pays.

2. The eldest pays.

3. The richest/most powerful (same thing) pays.

4. #2 and #3 can be swapped, but not #1 unless she is really #3.
But in the 21st Century, we’re a bit more progressive. (Please note that in the following examples, guy-girl can be king-queen, top-bottom, whatever. It doesn’t make a difference to Mr. KIA.) Assuming that both parties are from similar economic status:

On a date:
1. If the guy asks the girl out: He pays.

2. If the girl asks the guy out: He gets his wallet out, she offers to pay, he pays.

3. Once they get to know each other better, alternate.

On a business lunch/dinner:
1. The person with the higher position pays.

2. If they are equal, the person who requested the meeting pays.

3. If it just sort of happened, they split the bill.

Friendship is a bit different:
1. Split the bill equally—it doesn’t matter if she had 4 beers and you only had 2.

2. Spouses and gigs count. So you pay for yourself and her.

3. If at the end of the meal you order extra food to take home to your maid and driver, pay your share of the bill, then get a separate bill for the to go order.

You’re skint, but your friends want to go to a swanky place:
1. Tell your friends when you’re discussing where to go, not when the bill comes.

2. They will offer to pay.

3. You will suggest a cheaper alternative or offer to borrow some money.

4. They will both pay.

If one friend is considerably more wealthy than you:
1. He pays.

2. But you should always say, “You don’t need to do that, man.”

3. He will insist, and then you just say, “Thanks.”

4. If he doesn’t insist, you both pay.

Miscellaneous

• Greetings
Do you wai, shake hands, hug, kiss, air kiss, air kiss twice, air kiss thrice? It doesn’t matter. Just do something other than stand there and look foolish.

• Bringing Someone Along Whom Your Friends Don’t Know
1. Ask them if they mind beforehand.

2. Ask them again once you’re there.

3. If they mind, leave early.

• ATM Use
Multiple transactions are OK, but only if you have one card.

• You Run Into Someone While Your Headphones Are On
1. Close acquaintance: Take them off.

2. Casual acquaintance: Take off your headphones, say hello, put them back on.

• You’re Invited to Someone’s Home
1. It’s for a party: You must bring something.

2. It’s not a party: You still must bring something.

• Right of Way
Motorcycle on the sidewalk: You do not have to get out of his way—unless he’s a cop.

• Punctuality
It has always amazed Mr. KIA how “traffic” is acceptable as an excuse. It is even more amazing how it is still accepted as a valid excuse. The traffic is the same for all of us. Don’t be late.

• Queuing
1. Get in line.

2. If there isn’t a line, and the fruit vendor turns to you first even though you got there last, tell him it’s not your turn.

• Wrong Numbers
When you call someone, ask if you can speak to the person you’re calling. Asking “Who is this?” is bad manners.

If it’s a wrong number, you do not just hang up. Apologize first.

• Flying on Low-Cost Airlines That Do Not Have Assigned Seats
What the hell are you thinking?

I, Mr. Know-It-All, am on the ball about anything and everything, and that includes everything and anything about the drinking scene here. Let me take you through my inimitable list of must-go drinking destinations, from the best venues to drink cocktails, champagne and martinis, down to the coolest spots and best happy hours to lim (read: drink) beer too! Slurp!

Cocky Cocktails

New party places are always welcomed, especially if they serve yummy cocktails (always a plus point). And you know, to uphold my reputation as the know-all in well, everything, I just have to hang out and be seen at the latest hot spots. The Hacienda (13A Dempsey Rd. 6476-2922), a sophisticated outdoor alfresco bar, boasts a wide array of freshly squeezed juice-based cocktails. Expect no syrup or chemicals, man. I love all this natural goodness that lessens the guilt of imbibing without lessening the fun.

And if you want to get all romantic with your girl, guy or anything in between, hang out at the intimate Alley Bar (2 Emerald Hill, Peranakan Place, 180 Orchard Rd., 6732-6966). This bar has an old-world appeal and is endowed with awesome margaritas which are ultra-smooth and blended to perfection. Try the strawberry margarita—it’s bound to get your head spinning. Another hit here is the “Café Del Mar,” which comes in colorful layers, and is made up of cointreau, midori, peach schnapps, pineapple and cranberry. It’s sweet and delicious, an apt drink while you sugar talk your date.

Café Iguana (#01-03 Riverside Pt., 30 Merchant Rd., 6236-1275) is also loved for its margaritas, and you can choose from flavors that range from lime to mango, blueberry to peach. Try it on the rocks, or frozen. I like the series of frozen “House Margaritas” better, because they are more invigorating. Get them at half price during happy hours, which are from 6pm to 9pm from Mondays to Fridays, and noon to 9pm on Saturdays and Sundays.

Head down to the Balcony (#01-K5/02-03, The Heeren, 260 Orchard Rd., 6235-2325) if you prefer a Mediterranean setting to people-watch. This place is also blessed with wicked margaritas, but I advise you and your date to watch out for its jelly drinks that will keep you on a high!

But if your partner is a bore and appears spaced out most of the time (and you’re sure it’s not the drinks), ditch him or her and focus your attention on The Butter Factory’s (#01-03 Riverside 48, 48 Robertson Quay, 6333-8243) cocktails instead. “The Japanese Slippers” is a citrus cocktail with a melon taste, while the fizzy “Butter Factory Ice Tea” is bitter at first, but has a coffee and orangey aftertaste. The creamy “Peanut Butter and Jelly” shooter here is worth a shot too. Wonderful, wonderful...

Le Lounge (2/F, Crazy Horse Paris, #01-01 Blk. B Clarke Quay, River Valley Rd., 6336-1800) has some signature cocktails such as “Vestal’s Desire,” “But I’m a Good Girl” and “Bitchy Me.” If you want something light, these will do. And, oh yes, if the drinks don’t turn you on, I’m very sure the leggy Crazy Horse girls who sometimes chill out at this lavish hangout will!

The “Singapore Sling” at The Long Bar (#02-01 Raffles Hotel, 1 Beach Rd., 6431-6156) has got to be one of the best I’ve ever tasted. And several places have new poisons in store too. Introbar (1/F, Equinox Complex, Swissôtel The Stamford, 2 Stamford Rd.,6431-6176) for example, has just come up with some deadly—but very pleasing—punches. Ingredients include Barcardi rum, cinnamon, banana, lemon and dry chilies. There’s the “California Punch,” “Hawaiian Punch,” “Cape Codder” and “Bay Breeze Punch.” New vodka cocktails such as “Crimson” can be found at City Space (70/F, Equinox Complex, Swissôtel The Stamford, 2 Stamford Rd., 6431-5671). And the latest news I’ve heard? Axis Bar and Lounge (4/F, The Oriental Singapore, Marina Sq., 5 Raffles Ave., 6885-3098) is launching a promotion featuring several new cocktails on Oct 16. They come with complimentary unlimited tapas from 5-8pm daily.

Shaken, Or Stirred?

There’s no better way to get a girl’s attention than to pose pretty with a martini. OK, that’s what James Bond seems to say in his movies anyway. I recommend trying your luck at the Bar at Morton’s (4/F, The Oriental, Marina Sq., 5 Raffles Ave., 6885-3740). The place is known for its Mortini nights (Mon-Fri, 5-7pm) when martinis are available at $9.95 and come with complimentary steak sandwiches. If you can’t pick anyone up by posing pretty, hey, at least the drinks and food will bowl you over.

But, in case you do manage to pick someone up (I can give you better tips than James Bond on that, but that’s another story altogether), head down to the Martini Bar at Mezza9 (Grand Hyatt Regency Singapore, 10 Scotts Rd., 6416-7788) next for an even more exhilarating time. This place has a very wide assortment of martinis and with names such as “Dirty,” “Rendezvous” and “Hot and Sexy,” rest assured of a very exciting and, well, hot, night ahead.

Post Bar (The Fullerton Hotel Singapore, 1 Fullerton Sq., 6887-8135), which now comes with a trendy alfresco area, has a range of shaken martinis. Check out the “White Cosmopolitan,” a spin-off from the traditional red “Cosmopolitan” martini. It is aromatic and smooth, so I’m not surprised at its growing popularity. Don’t miss the killer mojito while you are here too.

For a cool and minty martini, try the “Mintini” at Ink Club Bar (Raffles The Plaza, 80 Bras Basah Rd., 6431-6156).This drink is made from premium vodka, and is only available for the month of October. The signature drink “Ink Perfection,” is delectable too.

I love Insomnia (#01-21/22/23 Chijmes, 30 Victoria St., 6338-6883) for its sumptuous “White Chocolate Martini.” Made with Jago Vanilla Cream Liquer, and with delicious white chocolate grated onto the top of the drink, it’s smooth and luscious. New salsa bar Fuego (#01-01 5 Gemmill Lane, 6327-1998) has some sinful martinis as well, with “Red Apple Martini” being the most popular. It’s zesty and aromatic, ideal as a after-work drink. Hop on to No. 5 (5 Emerald Hill, 6732-0818) after that, as its signature martinis are a great way to cap off an evening.

Pull Me a Pint!

Listen, if you have been hanging out with the uncles at the kopitiams for too long, and yearn for something more thrilling, follow me to the Archipelago Brewery Company (79 Circular Rd., 6327-8408). This pub features three novel craft beers which are infused with exotic spices such as ginger, assam, lemon grass, herbs and mandarin orange peel. The “Archipelago Traveller’s Wheat” is easy on the stomach, while the “Archipelago Straits Pale” is crisp and round-bodied. For a creamy drink, take a swig of the “Archipelago Traders Brown Ale.” These thirst-quenchers are especially made to pair up with Asian food.

Brewerkz (#01-05/06 Riverside Pt., 30 Merchant Rd., 6438-7438) has a fairly comprehensive beer selection. Ales, lagers, stouts and more are also available. From the “Maredsous Blond” to the “Chimay Blanche,” the “Duvel” to the “Trois Pistoles,” bottled beers from distinctive breweries from different parts of the world can be found. Oh wait, the waitresses here are cute too (oh, and that’s another story)!

When I am in the mood for authentic German beers, I head right to Paulaner Brauhaus (#01-01 Millenia Walk, 9 Raffles Blvd., 6883-2572). This three-story place with laid-back vibes has an in-house microbrewery. And I absolutely dig its fresh and flavorful “Munich Lager” and “Munich Dark.”

However, if Australian beers are more your thing, hit Prince of Wales in Little India (101 Dunlop St., 6299-0130). Besides being known as a live music joint, this cozy pub has bottles by The Cascade Brewery Company, Boag’s Brewery (J. Boag & Son) and more. These are available at $4 to $7 during happy hours which last from 9am to 9pm! This bar is the only importer of the Gippsland Gold beer of the Grand Ridge Brewery in Singapore as well. Ingredients for an intoxicating day and night are in place here, matey!

I go to Vintage (#03-17/18 Cuppage Plaza, 5 Koek Rd., 6733-0278) when I am short of cash, and want to enjoy cheap beers. Beers are going for just $6 a mug on weekdays. Other favorite watering holes of mine are Harry’s Bar (28 Boat Quay, 6538-4029) for its inviting ambience and Ice Cold Beer (9 Emerald Hill Rd., 6735-9929), where two bottles of Carlsberg or Yebisu can be had at $12, and three bottles of Asahi at $20! The inviting ambiences at these places are always a draw with people from all walks of life, including me.

Rock Hard

When I get hard-up for some hard liquor on the rocks, Q Bar (#01-04 The Annex @ The Old Parliament House, 1 Old Parliament Lane, 6336-3386) never disappoints. With 111 vodkas neatly stocked in its freezers, this place has the largest selection of premium vodkas in Singapore! Rare and top-flight labels from all over the world, such as the Diva Gem Filtered from Scotland, Van Gogh from Holland and the Wyborowa Single Estate from Poland, are housed here. Some flavors are even exclusive to the bar. I tell you, this stylish place is heavenly.

Japanese whisky bar Coffee Bar K (#01-076 UE Square, 205 River Valley Rd., 6720-5040) is the place to hit if you are looking for an extensive drinks list. Opened in March, it’s very sophisticated (with prices to match) and has about 400 whiskies primarily from Scotland and Japan for your picking.

And do check out The Whisky Store (2/F, 3/F, 56 Cairnhill Rd., 6732-3452). This quiet place debuted two months ago, with clean-cut furnishings and an air of intimacy. Its owners Khoon Hui and Joyce are very approachable, and I must admit, they know (nearly) as much about the honey-brown liquid as me. If you are new to whisky, they will be more than happy to tell you about it. Over 80 different kinds of whiskies (some rare) are served here, with around 70 single malts. New whiskies are added to the drinks menu every month, and there are unique whisky cocktails using ingredients such as the English breakfast tea to tantalize your palate.

If you like a more boisterous nightspot to enjoy your whisky, Balaclava (#01-01B Suntec City Mall, 1 Raffles Bldvd., 6339-1600) is da place to be. Its whisky selection is not as extensive as Coffee K Bar or The Whisky Store, but it’s still respectable. Bob your head to rocking live music and down the poison of your choice.

Indie bar Home (#B1-01/06 20 Upper Circular Rd., 6538-2928) has some very powerful absinthe for the gutsy. The absinthe green (70 percent volume) is available at $22 per shot, while the absinthe black (85 percent volume) is priced at $28 per shot. Just don’t blame the haze for your blurry vision after that.

Red or White?

You know, when you are up for some bubbly fun (besides foam parties I mean), iL Lido (Sentosa Golf Club, 27 Bukit Manis Rd., 6866-1977) is a cool spot to go to. This classy restaurant cum bar has an amazing menu of 100 champagnes and sparkling wines. Take your pick from prestigious labels such as the Billecart Salmon and the Louis Roederer Cristal, or indulge in rare vintages such as the Krug 1981 Collection and the A Dom Perignon Oenoteque. Some champagne selections are exclusive to iL Lido—so what are you waiting for?

Girls lurve Mad Flemmings (33 Boat Quay, 6533-1169) on Fridays because they enjoy free flow of champagne from 8-11pm. If you are into champagne, a bottle of Mumm’s is available at Suba (#01-75 Millenia Walk, 9 Raffles Blvd., 6333-0822) at only $99 on Fridays. Mumm’s is also sold by the glass at J Bar (9/F, M Hotel, 81 Anson Rd., 6421-6233) for only $18 till Dec 30. Sip a bottle of Moet & Chandon or Brut at $90 at Velvet Underground (17 Jiak Kiat St., 6738-2988) on Wednesday. Also good for champagne is Ministry of Sound (#01-02 Blk. C Clarke Quay, River Valley Rd., 6235-2292), where brands such as Taittinger, Veurve Cliquot and Dom Perignon can be had.

Everyone into wine should know about Wine Connection (#01-06 Robertson Walk, 11 Unity St., 6238-6878) by now. This retail shop cum bar has about 300 labels that span France, Italy, Spain, Germany, Australia, New Zealand, Chile, South Africa and more. Affordable as well as premium products can be purchased here, and you can sip a glass of good red wine at just $5!

Another place with a good wine deal is Vino Vino (#01-56 UE Sq., 207 River Valley Rd., 6737-7220). This alfresco wine lounge, with its rustic décor, has free flow of red and white wines from 6-8pm daily at just $12 per person.

If you are into German whites and reds, The Magma German Wine Bistro (2 Bt. Pasoh Rd., 6221-0634) is a must. Here, wines from renowned wineries such as Keller, Stodden, Molitor and Haart can be sampled while you munch on finger-lickin’ German food. Zouk Wine Bar (17 Jiak Kim St., 6738-2988) is a cool place to hang out at before heading to the dance floor as it has a generous selection of wines and house pours, and The Amici Bar & Restaurant (24 Tanjong Pagar Rd., 6557-2090), with 200 labels to pick from, is a safe bet for good wines too. Wine Network (#01-03A Blk. 13, Dempsey Rd., 6479-2280) is a charming place to hit for high quality stuff.

So there you go, a list of good drinking spots from one who’s seen—and drunk—it all. Now all you need is a strong liver, and you’ll on the way to seventh heaven with me.

Bottoms up!

Brace yourselves, my adoring public, for I have returned! And, once again, I’m getting the recognition that I so rightfully deserve. Be it my irresistible charm or the fact that I am simply knowledgeable in ways that few other mortal minds could even begin to comprehend, the people at I-S have finally realized that what the world really needs now is more of moi ... Mr. Know-It-All!

But, to quote American satirist Stephen Colbert, “enough about me ... if there can be enough about me.” It’s time to focus on you. I’ve received the emails and the letters (and on that one particularly disturbing day, the box with the dead squirrel) and I am here today to quench your queries.

So, without further delay, let’s hear those magic words that are like music to my ears ...

Dear Mr. Know-It-All,
I’ve just finished the great Singapore novel! Or, at least, I hope it will be. But before I head out there and try my hand at becoming our tiny island’s answer to Ernest Hemingway, I’d just like to assure that my works stay my works. In an age that’s so paranoid about copyright infringements, is there anyone I can talk to about defending my intellectual property? – Word Smith

Dear Word Smith,
The great Singapore novel, huh? Well, buddy, I hate to break this to you, but a lot of people still regard local ghost story collections as the greatest literary works to come from our shores, so the definition of the great Singapore novel’s a bit shaky. Anyway, you should pay a visit to Samuel Seow Law Corporation (#12-04 Liat Towers, 541 Orchard Road, 6887-3393). These fellows deal with copyright and other such legalities, so your masterpiece is safe in their hands.

Dear Mr. Know-It-All,
On top of my busy schedule at work, my kids at home, my husband constantly asking for more “quality time,” the groceries and other errands that I need to run on a daily basis, I feel like I’m being split into several different parts every day! Isn’t there someone who can take care of my day-to-day nonsense? And no, that doesn’t include my husband’s “special” needs. – Never Seem to Find the Time

Dear Never Seem to Find the Time,
I’ve got the perfect solution for you–if your husband still has the energy to ask for some “quality time,” he’s obviously not as swamped as you, so tell him to take care of the groceries and the kids! But if you can’t even trust him to handle something as simple as buying the day-to-day stuff, then I’d suggest you hire yourself a personal concierge. One of the best in town is Sonia Services. Contact [email protected] or 9003-9214. For your simple errands—such as dry-cleaning, gift-shopping, waiting for delivery guys, pet and house sitting (including the specific bits like emptying your mailbox and watering your plants) and even arranging your holidays—you’ll only need to pay $20 for the first hour, and $15 for every subsequent hour.

Dear Mr. Know-It-All,
I’ve got this incredibly hot date next week with this totally unattainable woman. The only way I managed to snag a date with her is when I told her that I was filthy rich. I’ve got her to say “yes” and I’ve managed to get reservations at a seriously chi-chi restaurant, but now I need a way to pick her up in style. A taxi isn’t going to cut it and there’s no way she’s going to ever lay eyes on my wheels, so please give me some clue as to what to do! – Faux Bling

Dear Faux Bling,
Hey, genius—it’s great that you have the restaurant and everything, but have you thought about what happens if she wants to go to your place for “some coffee,” what then? But I’ll let you deal with this one ruse at a time. If you want to really show her you’re the man, nothing’s going to say that more than showing up in a limo with your own driver to top it off. I suggest you give a ring to Limo-Star (#02-46 Meridien Shopping Centre, 100 Orchard Rd., 6733-2808) for all your pimped-out transportation needs—like a limousine for you and your date, as well as a chauffeur at your complete disposal. I hope you’re prepared to fork out some cold cash though, especially if you’re planning to impress. One of the best models that Limo-Star is offering is the Mercedes S Class, which will cost you a cool $70 per hour.

Dear Mr. Know-It-All,
Salutations, sir. I’ve had my gorgeous house for a couple of years now and the marble flooring in one of the rooms just doesn’t seem as vibrant as when I first moved in. I don’t suppose you can help with something like this, can you? – Marvelous Marbles

Dear Marvelous Marbles,
Chances are that your marble either hasn’t had the proper care and attention or the last time it was treated, it wasn’t properly done. Give Tubmaster Refinishing (#03-39, 20 Woodlands Link, 6756-5788) a call and they’ll help you out. Pricing’s going to vary depending on the condition of your marble and how much work will need to be done, so a handy tip would be to have a specific and clear idea of what you’ll want them to do.

Dear Mr. Know-It-All,
My husband’s a little shy about a certain problem he has concerning his performance in bed. He doesn’t know I’m writing to you about this, and hopefully he never finds out, but he’s not exactly the most virile person when it comes to sex. Is there anyone I can talk to about his condition? – Sexless in Singapore

Dear Sexless in Singapore,
I’d like to get things perfectly clear here, ladies. Even if you are being anonymous about it, men are very uncomfortable about you talking about their faulty “bits and pieces” in public! That’s pretty much the non-physical equivalent of kicking us in the nuts! But one of my major weaknesses is that I can’t resist helping out a sexually frustrated woman, so do talk to the sex therapists at Adam Road Hospital (19 Adam Rd., 6466-7777) over at their Family, Marriage and Sex Therapy Clinic. They’ll do what they can to help you get down to the root of the problem and advise on possible solutions. And if that doesn’t help ... well, you’ve got my contact.

Dear Mr. Know-It-All,
The house is an awful mess and, embarrassing as this is to admit, me and the missus aren’t very keen on tidying up. Our little one is learning how to walk and, along with his new-found mobility, makes a huge mess wherever he goes. Is there anyone out there who can do for us what Housekeeping does for hotel rooms? – Lazy & Messy

Dear Lazy & Messy,
For the slothful set out there, there are housekeeping services that you can turn to. Homemaker (#01-05/06 E-Centre@Redhill, 3791 Jalan Bukit Merah, 6241-0028) is one such company. A team of housekeepers will come over and spruce up your pad from top to bottom. These guys are thorough; they’ll vacuum, sweep, mob, wash your bathroom and toilet, dust your furniture, change the bedding and even iron your clothes, just to name a few. There are two basic packages that you can go for—the Rest & Relax package, where they come in once a week, will set you back $288 a month; or opt for the Home Sweet Home deal, where they come in twice a week for $576 a month.

Dear Mr. Know-It-All,
I’ve been having the absolute worst luck in the last three months ... and it all started when I moved into my new house! I’d rather not go into detail, but after a whole string of crappy incidents, I’m convinced it’s more than just an unlucky streak. I need a way to ward off all this bad juju and fast, before it finally gets to me and I end up six feet under! – Broken Mirrors Under a Ladder

Dear Broken Mirrors Under a Ladder,
A possible reason for your “bad juju,” as you so eloquently put it, might be bad feng shui. You should speak to the guys at Fulu Geomancy Centre (349 Geylang Rd., 6841-7555) to get your yin sorted from your yang. It’s best to visit these guys directly at their office. To speed the process up, be sure to bring along your floor plan, as they’ll need to know as much about your house as possible before they can determine what needs to be done, how long it’ll take and how much it’ll cost. Prices can vary greatly, depending on what your house needs. They’ve consulted for as little as a couple of hundred dollars to as much to a couple of thousand.

Dear Mr. Know-It-All,
Well, this is rather embarrassing. My toilet’s pipes tend to get stuck on really ... “extended” visits to the john. Seeing as how this has happened a couple of times during rather inconvenient hours, could you recommend a plumber that’ll be up during the ungodly hours? – Stuck Down

Dear Stuck Down,
For your late night plumbing problems, you need to pick up the phone and call Crown Enviro Care Services (#13-261 Blk. 849, Jurong West St. 81, 6792-5452). These guys are a 24-hour plumbing service, so you can bother them with your nasty little problems in the middle of the night. And no, there’s no extra charges for Sunday and public holidays. The average bill for a common choke in your pipes would set you back around $60, but if it turns out to be something more complicated, the prices to go up to around $200.

Dear Mr. Know-It-All,
I’ll be moving to Liverpool next year and I want to take my darling poodle Muffy with me. But Muffy’s a very delicate little girl and I want to make sure that when she’s taken abroad, she receives only the finest in terms of safety. Is there any service you can recommend that definitely knows what they’re doing when it comes to exporting delicate little things like my adorable baby girl? Thank you. – Muffy’s Mommy

Dear Muffy’s Mommy,
Why do I get the feeling you’re one of those people that dresses their pets up in cutesy Prada outfits? If you are, first off, let me just say: Stop it! Now on to Muffy’s traveling woes—you should give Pet Movers (No.4 Pasir Ris Farmway II, 6581-3688) a call. They’re specialists at importing and exporting people’s precious poochies and other such pets, so you can rest easy about Muffy’s trip. Be sure to fill in the control export form on the website, www.petmovers.com.sg, and fax it to 6581-3735, so that they can get back to you ASAP. The guys at Petmovers will handle the essentials of exporting your pet, such as pre-export examinations and permits in Singapore, airline freight reservations and making sure that whatever documents are necessary for Muffy’s new home are in order. A couple of things you’ll need ready to assure a smooth transition would be Muffy’s health certificate, dog license, vaccination card and export permit.

Dear Mr. Know-It-All,
My parents are celebrating their 30th wedding anniversary in July and I was hoping you could help me with their gift. They’ve got a couple of old wedding photos that have faded with time and I was hoping to restore them to their former glory. Do you know anywhere I could get this done? – Pictures of You

Dear Pictures of You,
The place you’re looking for is Portrait Workshop (#02-20 China Square Food Centre, 51 Telok Ayer St., 6536-6368). They’ll touch up those old photos and make them look as good as new, although I don’t think there’s anything they can do for the ’70s haircuts your folks were probably sporting. Prices vary, as they’re based on a project basis.

Dear Mr. Know-It-All,
My humble little business is finally going to get a chance to expand to Japan! Unfortunately, I don’t speak a word of Japanese ... and the clients don’t speak a word of English! I’ll need a interpreter and fast! Could you help me out? – Turning Japanese

Dear Turning Japanese,
My understanding of Japanese is limited to ordering sushi and the chorus of Styx’s Mr. Roboto, so you have my sympathies when it comes to language barriers. If you want to speak to your clients about more than wasabi, you should talk to the guys at ACTC Translation Centre (#06-08, 57 Meyer Road, 6479-0098).

Dear Mr. Know-It-All,
My wife is having an affair with my brother. I know what you’re thinking­—that I’m being paranoid. But they are just way too chummy for in-laws! What more, we’re not even intimate anymore. I just need some solid proof that I can confront them with. – Three’s A Crowd

Dear Three’s A Crowd,
Well, if nothing else, you’re definitely right about one thing—I do think you’re seriously paranoid. Time to lay off all of that Days of Our Lives, amigo. But if you still think that there might be something fishy going on, you could employ the services of Worldwide Investigation & Protection (#13-02, Peninsula Plaza, 111 North Bridge Rd., 6346-4646). They’ll help you get to the bottom of things!

Dear Mr. Know-It-All,
My wife will be delivering our second bundle of joy in three months. Unfortunately, she will still be doing some work from home after the baby comes, which is why we’re looking for someone who can handle the needs of a newborn, and not just any old maid. Any advice? – Daddy-To-Be

Dear Daddy-To-Be,
First off: Congratulations! You guys should hire a confinement nanny, a professional who’s been trained specifically to look after your wife and newborn during the confinement period. One of the best places to turn to would be PEM Confinement Nanny Agency (#02-16 Keypoint, 371 Beach Rd., 6293-9249). Their nannies will provide 24-hour care for your kid, cook special confinement meals, prepare confinement baths for your wife, sweep and mop the floor and even do the shopping. And if you’re worried about paying lots for a confinement nanny, keep in mind that PEM doesn’t charge agency fees. In fact, the price is based solely on a recommendation fee from the nanny herself. A hint would be to book as early as possible, so that you can score a more experienced nanny.

Dear Mr. Know-It-All,
Please don’t laugh, but I got a tattoo of my girlfriend’s face done on my arm ... and she dumped me last week for another woman! Aagh! Can you tell me where to go to get it removed? I’d rather have a scar than that switching witch’s face on my body. – All Man

Dear All Man,
I’d just like to state proudly that, despite your prefaced plea, I’ve just spent the last 10 minutes laughing my ass off. You got your girlfriend’s face tattooed on your arm? How old are you? Anyway, I’ll direct you to the National Skin Centre (1 Mandalay Rd., 6253-4455) to save you from the embarrassment of explaining the situation to your next girlfriend. They’ll scrub you up nice and smooth as a baby’s butt. Let that be a lesson to you.

Dear Mr. Know-It-All,
I am a seriously hardcore smoker. I’m talking like three packs a day. I want to quit and even have the best motivation to—it saps up my finances like nothing else. But try as I might, I just can’t kick the cigs. Tell me there’s a solution to this! – Chim Chimney

Dear Chim Chimney,
Lack of funds: The real dangerous side-effect of smoking! I understand your frustration, my friend. Quitting can be a real pain in the ass, especially the first two weeks. So, I suggest your take the easy way out and resort to hypnotherapy. Head on down to the Osteopathic Treatment Centre (#06-15/17 Tanglin Shopping Centre, 19 Tanglin Rd., 6734-6440) and speak to Anita Kashyap. Don’t worry if you have no idea what the process is about; the actual session won’t begin till all your questions about the procedure have been answered. And you’ll only need to stop by for between two to six sessions before you’re smoke-free.