Hotel With The Hottest Guys
— W Bangkok
From B4,700 a night. 106 North Sathorn Rd., 02-344-4000. www.wbangkok.com
The model-like “Welcome Ambassadors” cut dashing figures in their slim-fit white shirts and loose black ties. But what makes everyone agree that the Wolf Pack, as we like to call them, are the hottest hotties in hospitality, is that there’s really something for everyone. A tall, lean, European waiting on tables, a dark bodybuilder (they’re all guys) at the bar, and a fair-skinned car valet your mom would approve of.
Best Pool Villa For Making Out in the Pool
— SALA Pool Villa at SALA Phuket
Villas from B7,760, rooms from B4,800. Mai Khao Beach, Phuket, 076-338-888. www.salaresorts.com/phuket
You don’t get a view here, but who cares. Safely walled in, your gorgeous villa designed by the Department of Architecture cleverly blends Sino-Portuguese details into modern lines and a pale grey palette. Once you pull back the curtains and open the bay windows, there’s nothing to hide, with the bedroom, bathroom and swimming pool all in one connected space—perfect for those who like to watch, but not be watched. Kick things off under the rain shower before taking the action to the pool. Just try to keep the noise down.
Best Hotel to Be Lovesick
— Proud Phu Fah
From B2,950 till Oct 31. Mae Rim, Chiang Mai, 053-879-389. www.proudphufah.com
With only 18 rooms and villas set amid the lush green and oh-so-romantic landscape of Chiang Mai’s Mae Rim, Proud Phu Fah has got to be the ultimate honeymoon escape (at least for those who don’t do islands). Its vast space, breathtaking vistas and all-year-round cool climate will have you holding hands or cuddling your significant other at all times. Unless of course you made the horrible mistake of showing up alone, in which case, you can watch enraptured couples as you slowly sink into depression.
Best Hotel to Get Lucky
— Hard Rock Hotel Pattaya
From B2,800. Pattaya, Chonburi, 038-428-755. Pattaya.hardrockhotels.net
Pattaya is the most convenient quick fix when it comes to beach, pool and party. Of course, it’s also got a pretty nasty reputation. There is one place in Sin City where we have no qualms about getting wet with complete strangers, though, Hard Rock’s Beach Foam X (every Sat, 9:30pm-1am). It somehow lures in hot girls in bikinis and hunks in boardshorts while steering clear of the sleaze. And if you manage to hook up, the newly-renovated rooms will surely impress your date. You can even borrow an electric guitar—now that will surely get you laid, assuming you can play.
Best Hotel to Be an Insufferable Snob
— Sri Panwa
From B16,800. 88 Sakdidej Rd., Muang, Phuket, 076-371-000. www.sripanwa.com
Ever since this place opened, it’s been a pissing contest of “Have you stayed at Sri Panwa’s villa? Isn’t the view so amaaaaazing?” Thanks to a celeb-focused marketing strategy, using local and international A-listers (the latest being Snoop Lion [Snoop Dogg] and Rita Ora), everyone has added Sri Panwa of their list of places they absolutely need to check in to on Facebook. (To be honest, the views at Sri Panwa are pretty amaaaaaazing.) Can’t afford a sleepover? Grab a drink at the rooftop Baba Nest bar. And when it’s bedtime, check in to the nearby Foto Hotel at Phuket’s Kata Beach; the island’s newest sweetheart.
Best Hotel to Steal Stuff
— Villa Maroc
From B6,800. Pranburi, Prachaub Khirikhan, 032-630-771. www.villamarocresort.com
Many luxury spa resorts prepare loose robes and pajamas for you. The problem is they are mostly unfashionable. But at Villa Maroc, the bathrobe provided in-room is a chic, red Moroccan-style tunic you will love to wear all day, as it also complements the resort’s Moroccan ambiance. That’s just one reason Villa Maroc tops the list in this category; there’s also an iPod with a dock speaker in every room and aromatic bathroom amenities.
Sexiest Non-Sexual Massage
— Watsu at Chiva-Som
From B66,000 fro three nights. Hua Hin, Prachuab Khirikhan, 032-536-536. www.chivasom.com
Picture a therapist in swim trunks, with the massive pecs and v-shaped torso of a competitive swimmer. You get in a body-temperature water tub in a dimly lit, domed room. And the therapist joins you, cradling you in his muscular arms. Then he begins to massage you all over and… Well, that’s it really. Chivasom’s Watsu aqua therapy, as sexually charged as it may sound, is a zen Shiatsu-inspired therapy, which is all about relaxing and reconnecting with feelings of being in the womb—a thought that should keep your fantasies in check during the whole process. Note for women: you can opt for a female therapist, too.
Best Hotel to Pretend You Care About the Planet Earth
— Six Senses & Soneva Resorts
www.sixsenses.com
Now that you’ve flown around the world, racking up a carbon footprint equivalent to a small coal factory in China, you’d like to give back by staying in a luxury resort that cares about Mother Nature. Since the first Six Senses opening in 1995, the luxury chain’s resorts have worked with local communities to use local materials, recycle, ditch bottled water, grow their own plants (with free fertilizer courtesy of the hotel guests), discourage the use of air-conditioning, etc. In fact, there is zero plastic used at Six Senses and Soneva resorts! See, don’t you feel better already?
Best Hotel If You Hate Children
— Akyra Chura Samui
From B3,700. Chaweng Beach, Koh Samui, Surat Thani, 02-514-8112. www.thakyra.com
Akyra is not the only adults-only hotel in Thailand. But it’s the most beautiful we have visited so far. The hotel has prohibited guests under 12 years old since November 2012, meaning you can rest assured your relaxing moments won’t be interrupted by the fallout from some couple’s reproductive instincts. Set by a powdery, quiet beach of North Chewang, with a design inspired by traditional Japanese shophouses, this is one location we’re not sharing with any brats. Shouldn’t children just be sent to boarding school until they go to college anyway?
Best Loo With a View
— Beach Front Room at Hansar Koh Samui
Beach Front from B12,000, other rooms from B7,590. Bo Phut, Koh Samui, Surat Thani, 077-245-511. www.hansarsamui.com
Bathtubs in the middle of the room and wall-less rainshowers are now standard at any wannabe designer-chic hotel or resort. But Hansar takes exposure to a whole new level. Its Beach Front Room is divided into three zones: balcony, sleeping area and bath area. The toilet’s throne has been placed behind two clear glass panes covered by a strip of wickerwork. Of course, where you’d normally find a door, there is absolutely nothing. Ah the joys of observing a loved one at the balcony while doing a number two!
Best Hotel for An Afternoon Quickie
—Le Meridien Bangkok
From B3,810. 40/5 Suriyawongse Rd., Bangrak, 02-232-8888. www.lemeridien.com
The Meridien has many advantages if you need to have an express meeting in a bedroom before heading home to your wife or husband. For one, it’s in a business district—Silom—making it a perfectly logical destination for such things. Secondly, it sits between Soi Twilight and Soi Patpong, meaning that it’s unlikely the front desk will take offence at the short-term use of one of their rooms. Finally, the beds are round (Circular Rooms, from B4,999)! And a good bed goes a long way towards a successful meeting.
Best Hotel to Leave Your Hotel
— Tamarind Village
Thai resident rates from B3,000. Ratchadamnoen Rd., Muang, Chiang Mai,
It’s not that we don’t love the classic ambiance of the Tamarind Village, where 45 lanna-inspired rooms and suites sit underneath the shade of an old tamarind tree amid the cool mist of Chiang Mai. But just as pleasing is its location right in the middle of Chiang Mai’s old district, a short stroll away from beautiful temples, old houses and the bustling Ta Pae walking street on Sundays. You’re not going to be racking up any taxi bills while staying at this place, we can guarantee it.
Best Hotel Chain for Those Who Hate Traveling
— Novotel / Ibis
www.accor.com, www.novotel.com, www.ibishotels.com
The Accor Hospitality Group is at the forefront of standardization when it comes to hotel chains. But even its Sofitel (5-star) and Pullman (4-star) brands tend to show a bit of individuality. No such problem at Accor’s Novotel (3 stars) and Ibis (2-3 stars) hotels. You can always expect to eat at The Square at Novotel hotels, from Bangkok to Ho Chi Minh, and you can always count a tiny room where you store luggage under your bed at Ibis hotels, from Pattaya to Tokyo and Paris. That might not be your idea of tourism, but for a business traveler who is always on the road, sometimes that’s as close as things get to feeling like home.
Best Hotel to Stay Smashed all Weekend
—Let’s Sea
From B4,222. Hua Hin, Prachuab Khirikhan, 032-536-888. www.letussea.com
Let’s Sea is an alcoholic’s wet dream. First of all, their booze is reasonably priced, with a bottle of sparkling French pinot noir under B1,600 and Argentinean red from B1,350. Secondly, if you get the Z-Club add-on, either as part of a package or at B650/person/day, you get free-flow booze from 5-7pm along with canapés. Thirdly, you can enjoy “Afternoon Tea/Champagne by the Beach” every day from noon-5pm, for B1,107 with champagne (and B450 with tea only—yuck!), which comes with sweets and canapés. And just in case you need a last beer before bedtime, you get a complimentary B111 daily mini bar allowance, too. (It’s also a really nice hotel that just got revamped last fall.)
Hottest Chef in the Kingdom
— Sin Keun Choi at W Retreat Koh Samui
Thai resident rates from B12,000. Maenam Beach, Koh Samui, Surat Thani, 077-915-9993. www.wretreatkohsamui.com
The K-pop features and hunky figure of this Korean-born chef is the hottest thing in dining right now. Known as SK, the Japanese-cuisine chef trained with Akira Back at Yellowtail in Las Vegas and worked at several Japanese restaurants across the world before joining W Retreat Koh Samui. But what really matters to us is that he was a bodybuilder before becoming a chef. How does his food taste? We can’t remember, sorry.
Best Hua Hin Hotel for Those Who Hate Hua Hin
— The Barai
From 18,500. Hua Hin, Prachuab Khirikhan, 032-511-234. www.thebarai.com
Can you list what would make you forget to step out of a villa? A spacious space? A pool? 24-hour butler service? Five star amenities? In-room treatments? Unlimited mini bar and Wi-Fi? Well, you can get them all at the Hyatt Regency Hua Hin’s spa retreat, The Barai. The place is so secluded and serene, staying and having treatments here feels like you are carrying out religious rituals, thanks to an impressive architectural design by renowned Thai architect Lek Bunnag which reminds us of a sacred Khmer shrine. There are only eight spa suites, with sizes ranging between 126 to 149 sq meters, so you’ll never feel the need to step out of your room for some fresh air.
Best Swimming Pool to Piss Off Your Friends on Instagram
— The Library Koh Samui
From B11,200. Chaweng Beach, Koh Samui, Surat Thani, 077-422-767. www.thelibrary.co.th
This boutique hotel on Chaweng is famed for its stunning red-tiled swimming pool. And it tops our list of swimming pools to Instagram ourselves in. Clad in white swimsuit, with big shades and puckered lips, it’s time for your very own Vogue cover shot. Work it, baby!
Best Hotel for Fatsos
— Kamalaya
From B39,000 for three nights. Koh Samui, Suratthani, 077-429-800. www.kamalaya.com
Hidden in the dense jungle at the southern tip of Koh Samui, Kamalaya has made a name globally as a high-class wellness retreat thanks to its intensive series of detox programs. On our last visit, we were put in the elementary three-night detox program and we must say it is a serious detox. You’re only allowed certain foods, almost all of which are salads and juices. The package also combines massage sessions, infrared sauna, meditation, yoga and walks up and down the hill from your room. There’s no way you couldn’t lose weight. (We’re not game to even consider the intermediate ten-day program.)
