Gold flake. Enough.

Do you know what gold tastes like? No, because you’re not dragons. Also, this isn’t luxurious. Do you think the oligopolies sit around putting gold leaf in their Chang beer made from the tears of disqualified Move Forward Party candidates? No. Do you think the Trump family put gold flakes on their panda steaks? Well, yeah, probably. But, we’re sick of it anyway.

Truffle everything

We don’t want to argue about how it’s not a proper truffle if it doesn’t come from the truffle region of Narnia or whatever. And we won’t complain about the McDonalds truffle burger or truffle fries. No, this is about chefs around the city who have clearly made something pretty good and then a marketing executive comes in and says: “Make it more fungus.” No one wants to stare down a whole degustation menu of truffle oil. Do you like gout? Because that’s how you get gout.

Lemongrass doesn’t make it Thai

No one’s saying lemongrass isn’t nice. It’s probably one of our top five favorite grasses. But shoveling it all over some french fries and calling it “Thai potatoes” is nonsense. This goes for you too, bartenders—and your Thai mojitos and Thai manhattans. Lemongrass is a staple in Cambodian, Vietnamese, and Indonesian food. It’s like putting some wasabi on a sausage and calling it a Japanese hotdog. 

Speakeasies that won’t shut up

It’s not a secret because you keep sending us press releases about it. The cruel hipster reign of speakeasies in general should quietly come to an unceremonious end. It was very cute and you’re very clever, but it’s enough already. The idea reeks of fidget spinners. In any case, we recently had an actual form of prohibition, and we didn’t do speakeasies; everyone just bribed the cops.

We can’t eat your pretty chairs

There is a species of cafe that exists entirely for the Instagrammer. That’s fine. But, in addition to inundating the capital, cafes like this pollute Thailand tourist attractions around the country. Beyond the coworking space chic of here-today-gone-tomorrow cash grab cafes, the drinks are barely mid-range. Instagram cafes don’t need to care about their food, but they should. 

Passion fruit cocktails

Do you suffer from selfies with the rind of a passion fruit in your mouth? Then you might be suffering from being a basic. Contact your local bartender to find out if having a proper drink is right for you. 

That’s not tapas

Putting a bunch of marshmallows covered in chocolate in a bowl is not tapas. How is that tapas? Because it’s on a tiny plate? You can put a tiny plate underneath a Subaru hatchback. That’s not tapas. Savory and Spanish. That’s tapas. That said, Thaipas is a pretty cute name and we like the food. 

Uni everything

Mm. Echinoderm gonads. Of course, there is a time and a place for this dish—a mix of sweet, savory, and seafood. That place is not toast. Very few people have a craving for the reproductive organs of a sea urchin, but they do go well with pasta, rice, and on their own. We are uni-mpressed.