The island has been in a lather about Amos Yee, who put up an eight-minute video criticizing LKY. Apparently, this was a violation of the Protection from Harassment Act, as it hurt the sentiments of the people who—of their own free will—clicked on the link. Twenty adults lodged complaints against the 16 year-old blogger, leading to his arrest.

 

What a revelation! We had no idea we could throw kids in jail when they got on our nerves. Why shrug off the words of pubescent boys with an eyeroll when you can go running to the government and say, “Wah! He hurt my feelings!”

 

In fact, let’s not stop with Amos Yee. Let’s put all the kids who annoy us in jail, starting with the following:

 

1. Robertson Quay children on kick-scooters. The little devils would run over their own parents if they had the chance.

 

2. Crop top-clad girls outside H&M. They are an utter and total disgrace to our Asian family values with their perfectly taut midriffs and lack of eye contact.

 

3. Candy Crush addicts on the bus. They fail to look up from their iPads long enough to give our elderly bones a place to sit.

 

4. Interns who resign after two weeks. What? Our company isn’t good enough for your lofty career aspirations?

 

5. Kids with maids to carry their backpacks. Why, when we were your age, we walked ten miles to school.

 

6. Waif-like spoken word poets. Young lady, does your mother know you’re telling the world about your hoo-ha?

 

7. Teenagers who give us withering looks. In the bubble tea queue, in the 313@somerset elevators, in the Llaollao queue. Is anywhere safe from their devastating judgment?

 

8. Kids who “study” for hours at Starbucks. The only thing more dangerous to national stability than a child is a caffeinated child.

 

Next time you are offended by any of the above, remember that you have rights. Call 999 at once.

 

 

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