Life is complicated enough without having to think about where to tiao. So here we break it down for you—three choices, 10 moods. So if you wanna…

Rub Shoulders with International DJs
 

Essentials: Kickin’ sound system and hundreds of like-minded party people.
Best bits: The music. The mix.
Worst bits: Potato queens, “international” cover charges.
What to bring: Paper and a pen—for autographs and phone numbers.

Astra (Block C, Royal City Avenue, Rama 9 Rd., 09-497-8422, 02-622-2572. Open daily 6pm-2am. www.club-astra.com): Bangkok’s hottest nightclub, a cavernous hall unusually free of chairs so there’s plenty of space to dance.

Bed Supperclub (26 Sukhumvit Soi 11, 02-651-3537. Open daily 7:30pm-1am. www.bedsupperclub.com): The most sophisticated bar in town, famous for its hip-hop night.

Q Bar (34 Sukhumvit Soi 11, 02-252-3274. Open daily 8pm-1am.
www.qbarbangkok.com): Started the trend of international-standard venues; still attracts top DJs, both local and from abroad.

Smooch with Your Secret Boyfriend/Girlfriend
 

Essentials: Loud music, dim lighting and dark corners. A venue that shows you have great taste in music—trad jazz, blues and bossanova never go out of fashion.
Best bits: When the music gets too loud, you’re obliged to lean in a little closer to talk to your date. The house bands are well-known and well-appreciated, so while they’re playing, all eyes in the room will be on the performers, not you.
Worst bits: Your date won’t appreciate this stuff if (s)he’s the style-over-substance type. Sitting through superfluous solos.
What to bring: Breath freshener.

Brick Bar (1/F, 265 Buddy Lodge Bldg., Khao San Rd., Phranakorn, 02-629-4744. Open daily, 6pm-1am): Blues and jazz in the heart of backpacker central; lots of Thai musicians in the audience.

Brown Sugar (231/20 Sarasin Rd., 02-250-1826. Open daily 5pm-1am): Still going strong after all these years—and the only bar in this area with a decent selection of wine.

Saxophone (3/8 Victory Monument, Phayathai, 02-246-5472. Open daily 6pm-1am): Loud, proud, packed and the breeding ground for many of Thailand’s top performers.

Blow a Month’s Wages in One Night
 

Essentials: Elegant décor, comfy seats, a well-dressed crowd, white-gloved staff, and the best food and drinks money can buy.
Best bits: Beluga caviar, Remy Martin Louis XIII, Champagne cocktails.
Worst bits: The bill. Beluga caviar (B15,900), Remy Martin Louis XIII (B4,500/glass), Champagne cocktails (B1,300).
What to bring: Bags full of money, your platinum/titanium/black card.

87+ (Lobby Level, Conrad, All Seasons Place, 87 Wireless Rd., 02-690-9999. Open daily 9:30pm-2am. www.conradhotels.com): You’ll pay extra to sit in the VIP area, but it’s worth it to keep out the riff-raff.

Distil/Sirocco/Sky Bar (63-64/F, The Dome, State Tower, 1055/111 Silom Rd., 02-624-9555. Open daily 6pm-1am): It’s all about the view—and that caviar. How ‘bout a Coke? B290.

Sky Bar (51/F, Banyan Tree Bangkok, South Sathorn Rd., 02-679-1200. Open daily 5:30pm-1am): Quench that thirst with those Champagne cocktails or Johnnie Blue by the glass (B1,500).

Exercise Your Knee Joints
 

Essentials: Posh and modern, a packed dance floor, guys in baggy pants and sexy ladies in spaghetti straps—we love those hip-hop girls. Beyonce, Eminem, Black Eyed Peas.
Best bits: Suay-muay-ex ladies and homeboys livin’ large.
Worst bits: The song selection is same-same every day, everywhere.
What to bring: Tiger Balm, Counterpain.

Escudo (4-5/F, Dutchess Plaza, Soi Thonglor, 02-381-0865/-6. Open daily 7pm-2am): Hiso hip-hop for beautiful people.

Route 66 (29/33-40 Block B, Royal City Avenue, Rama 9 Rd., 01-916-2898. Open daily 8pm-2am. www.route66club.com): Packed to the rafters with kids dressing the part, even on school nights.

Slim (Block B, Royal City Avenue, Rama 9 Rd., 02-203-0377/-8. Open daily, 9pm-2am): Kid brother to Route, Slim is cheaper and younger.

Make Him/Her Your Valentine
 

Essentials: A view of the moon and stars, candles, lush greenery, not too loud.
Best bits: No need to feel embarrassed as everyone else is there for the same reason.
Worst bits: Mosquitoes.
What to bring: Roses, a ring, giant teddy bear, hankerchief (to wipe that sweat) and, maybe, condom(s).

Baan-Tak-R-Kard (Sriwara Rd., Town in Town, opposite Town in Town Hotel.) Open daily 6pm-12:30am): Laid-back and cheap, with plenty of space between tables and great live music.

To Die For (H1, 998 Soi Thonglor, 02-381-4714. Open Sun-Thu 11:30am-midnight, Fri-Sat 11:30am-1am): Posh patio is an escape from the ruckus of Thonglor.

Winter (199 Soi Promsri 2, Sukhumvit Rd., 02-392-2747/-8. Open daily 6pm-1am): A huge lawn for lounging and snacking.

Rent A Girlfriend

Essentials: Lots of good-looking, overly friendly girls. Elegant setting, entertaining shows and sexy dancers.
Best bits: No need to lift a finger (except maybe to poke something), as your date will pour your whisky and giggle at your dumb jokes.
Worst bits: Membership dues. No money, no honey. Too much makeup.
What to bring: Rolex, gold chains, man bag, Vertu.

Forte Century (31/4 Royal City Avenue, Rama 9 Rd., 02-203-0927. Open daily 8:30pm-2am): Conveniently located in the heart of Bangkok’s party zone for guys who can’t score the old-fashioned way.

The Piano (45 Ekamai, Sukhumvit Rd., 02-714-1543/-5. Open daily 7:30pm-1:30am): One of the original R-A-G venues, with an older crowd in for live music and ego-stroking.

Resort Square (42 Ekamai, Sukhumvit Rd., 02-714-2351/-2. Open daily 8pm-2am. www.resortsquare.com): Big and new complex attracts young executives and 20-somethings with Daddy’s money.

Release the Diva Within
 

Essentials: Tiny rooms with sofas, TV and microphones. Thousands of songs to choose from.
Best bits: Sing and dance without restraint.
Worst bits: Your friend who thinks she’s Mariah Carey.
What to bring: Strepsil, earplugs.

Big Echo (1/F, Kian Gwan Bldg., Wireless Rd., 02-627-3071/-5. Open daily 11am-1am): Lousy location, except for office workers in the area.

Iplusrooom (3/F, Olympia Thai Tower, Ratchadapisek Rd., 02-513-4774. Open daily 6pm-1am. www.iplusrooom.com): Bangkok’s most modern and stylish karaoke venue.

Urban (Narathiwat Rd., 02-675-4224. Open daily 6pm-1am): Busy with office workers who know enough to book in advance.

Drink with a Gorgeous Bartender
 

Essentials: Counter bar—the longer the better—with stunning bodies working behind it.
Best bits: Going out alone has never been this good.
Worst bits: Fighting other punters for that choice spot by the bar.
What to bring: Your namecard and a stack of crisp B100 notes,
you generous tipper, you.

Inch (55/49-60 Ratchadapisek Rd., 02-641-2963-/5. Open daily 7pm-2am. www.inchclub.com): Swedes with model looks behind the bar in this huge, new venue.

Diplomat (Lobby Level, Conrad, All Seasons Place, 87 Wireless Rd., 02-690-9999. Open Sun-Thu 10am-1am, Fri-Sat 10am-2am. www.conradhotels.com): Guest inter bartenders and servers in sexy outfits.

Syn Bar (Lobby Level, Nai Lert Park Bangkok, Wireless Rd., 02-253-0123. Open daily 5pm-1am): See for yourself if he really looks like David Beckham.

Experience Affordable Alfresco
 

Essentials: Cool breezes, views of the city, candles, light music, reasonable prices.
Best bits: Feeling on top of the world.
Worst bits: Rain.
What to bring: Mosquito repellant.

Mayompuri (22 Chakraphong Rd., 02-629-3883/-4. Open daily noon-1am): Fountains and trees on the rooftop, with a view of Ratchadamnoen.

Tofu (3-4/F, 297 Sarasin Rd., Lumpini, 02-254-8668): Simple and cozy fourth-floor bar.

Phranakorn Bar (58/2 Ratchadamnoen Klang Rd., 02-622-0282. Open daily 6pm-1am): Dek naew come here for the cheap drinks and Britpop.

Challenge the Government’s Early Closing Policy
 

Essentials: Hard-core dipsomaniacs who won’t stop ‘til they drop. Whisky in green tea or squeeze condiment bottles.
Best bits: Stay as long as you want.
Worst bits: Brawling boys, working girls, daylight.
What to bring: Bottle of “clean” pee, ID card, a cap and dark sunglasses (in case a Hot News camera crew shows up with the cops).

Thai Garden Pub & Restaurant (Soi Rambutri, Chakrapong Rd. Open daily till around 5am): Food on low tables, booze below.

X-Boom (Silom Soi 6, cover charge: B100. Open daily till around 5am): Boys-who-love-boys venue.

Baan Suan/Bali (Opposite Hollywood Ratchada, Ratchadapisek Soi 6. Open daily till whenever): Green tea and sauce are really popular here.