Where to Crap on the Fly

Welcome, World Toilet Expo & Forum delegates! How fitting that our new, virtually toilet-free airport was your point of entry. Hopefully those of you with weak bladders were warned ahead of time and advised to do your business onboard your aircraft. If not, did you at least make it through passport control? You can see how badly you’re needed.

No doubt giving Bangkok a bathroom upgrade will take time, and for now it is simply not a place where you want to have stomach problems—but then, what city is? If you can’t use a squat toilet without losing your balance, or if you’ve ever broken into a cold sweat as you searched in vain for a place to relieve yourself, take a moment to familiarize yourself with our list of the top five emergency toilet retreats. When you’re in distress there’s no time to think calmly and rationally. You will need a predetermined plan of action. Thank us later.

There’s No Place Like Home

There is virtually no downside to taking care of business at home, first thing in the morning, before heading off into unfamiliar territory. You know where your bum sprayer has been, and there’s none of the embarrassment inherent in the act of relieving yourself in the company of complete strangers. We have a friend who refuses to go #2 outside of her home—she either holds it or cuts short the evening. Not the most realistic option, however.

Starbucks

Because coffee and crapping are virtually synonymous.

Upside: They’re ubiquitous, and the larger outlets usually have functioning, well-maintained bathrooms. Barristas are so busy they’ll never notice it when you bypass the register, grab a free copy of BK and make a beeline for the can.

Downside: The facilities are usually limited to his and hers single occupancy toilets and there can often be a wait. You’d think a purveyor of a diuretic which also stimulates your digestive system would spring for a few extra stalls.

Conclusion: There are better choices in an emergency. But with so few air-conditioned crappers in the Big Mango, who’s complaining?

Fast Food Outlets

The food tastes like crap anyway.

Upside: They’re more common than Starbucks

Downside: Unlike the food, the quality can vary wildly.

Conclusion: A crapshoot.

Malls

Retail release!

Upside: Paragon, Emporium, Silom Complex, et al all win the prize for accessibility, and as temples to wretched excess, some would argue that they deserve to be shat upon. Located in strategic locations around the city, most have locations on each floor, with multiple stalls, which means there is almost never a wait.

Downside: If you’re addicted to the bum sprayer, be warned—you’re not likely to find them in the loos of most Bangkok shopping malls. Often in the less posh malls the toilet paper will have run out as well. No spray + no toilet paper = big problem. Also, in some notorious shopping mall bathrooms, you’re liable to encounter extra-friendly fellas doing their best George Michael impression. (Or is that an “upside”?)

Conclusion: Avoid the potential confusion and embarrassment that can result from reaching under the partition and into the next stall in search of stray scraps of paper. Be prepared and carry pre-moistened baby wipes.

Five-Star Hotels

Never a letdown.

Upside: As long as you look the part, you can walk straight through most hotel lobbies without attracting much attention. Sure, the security guards can tell by the way you are walking that you are looking for the nearest loo, but it’s their job to weed out the gastrically distressed from the potentially dangerous. Hotel toilet facilities are nearly always immaculate, and if the hotel is fancy enough, there will be cloth towels to greet you when you are finished.

Downside: It is not immediately obvious where the toilet is when you first enter a hotel lobby. In a pinch, take the elevator to the conference room level. There are always toilets for conference goers, and unless there is a major function, these will be empty.

Conclusion: Those cloth hand towels are great for wiping the sweat off your brow during the hot season.

Bars and Pubs

Because restaurants are too embarrassing.

We’ve all gotten critical looks and outright refusals from restaurant staff for having the audacity, as non-paying patrons, to avail ourselves of their toilet facilities. That’s because it’s just tacky to traipse through an eating establishment with the sole purpose of taking a dump. But bars and pubs are a different animal. Hell, you’re expected to use the toilet here, and patrons and staff are usually busy enough that no one is going to notice.

Upside: Drunken patrons carve explicit phrases and images into stall walls.

Downside: Drunken patrons flash portions of their anatomy through holes and gaps in stall walls.

Chi-Chi Night Clubs

Fusing elimination with aesthetic sensibilities.

Upside: Really nice places like Route 66, Distil and V-9 are all favorites for view, stunning design or both.

Downside: Bathroom attendants can be rather aggressive in lobbying for tips. Cocaine residue found on virtually every flat surface inside the stalls can cause embarrassing stains, particularly if you’re wearing black.

Conclusion: While it might not be ideal to defecate during a night out on the town, it’s kind of cool, especially if the toilet stall costs more than your condo.