It’s official—Jolin Tsai, pop princess and the cutest thing you ever laid your eyes on since Care Bears, is coming to our humble island. We did try to secure an interview with the pop darling, but she was taken ill with viral flu and stress and our hopes of actually talking to Ms. Tsai herself were dashed. So we did the next best thing. We thought about how a conversation between Jolin and a groupie would go. Remember—it’s fictional.

Jolee Cai (groupie): Jolin! Oh my gawd. I’m your biggest fan! (Breathes heavily.) Er OK. First question. How do you manage to stay so trim all the time?
What Jolin Tsai would say: (Patting hair.) I only drink milk for breakfast, have fruit and veggies for lunch and go without dinner, unless I’m really hungry. Basically, staring 24/7 at a Barbie doll also helps me to stay focused on being slim.

Jolee Cai: OK, now we know why you look so Barbie-licious as well then! And how do you remember all your dance moves? You’re sooo amazing!
Jolin Tsai: I’m so busy I don’t have time for a personal trainer. I dance to keep fit. I practice my routines sometimes when I have nothing to do. You know, dancing is a lot like shopping. I told myself—if I can remember all the good shops and sales, surely I can remember my dance moves. (Beams.)

Jolee Cai: Can I ask a personal question? (Doesn’t wait for reply.) Are you really Jay Chou’s ex?
Jolin Tsai: (Quickly.). No. No. No. I am not Jay’s ex. We are just good friends, although we’ve gotten drunk a few times together and erm, I find him actually quite cute, just like me! That’s why we’re stars! And no, I don’t hate Patty Hou. I’m not that Patty—sorry, petty, really.

Jolee Cai: Er, OK. What do you like to do in your spare time?
Jolin Tsai: Shopping! I lurrrve all the girly, sweet stuff. But I’m a bit of a rocker chick too. I also love painting my nails. I take two hours to do each hand and I have my own nail design supplier. After I’ve done my nails, I get my personal assistant to open doors, cans, fridge doors and er… everything else for me. I hate chipping my nails. Some people think I’m a princess, but they’re just jealous.

Jolee Cai: Another sensitive question? Did you enlarge any part of your anatomy?
Jolin Tsai: I don’t mean to be boob, sorry rude—but of course I did. To be fake is to be real in Taiwan. It’s very well done of course, so you can’t tell. But since we’re having a chest-to-chest talk, I’ll tell you.

Jolee Cai: Who is your role model?
Jolin Tsai: Barbie doll. Duh. Except I’m prettier.