Dear Citizens,

 

Tax season has begun, and we want to reassure you that the government is evolving with the changing needs of the populace. So, to celebrate SG50, we are pleased to announce six new taxes and tax deductions that you can use to your advantage in the next couple weeks.

 

 

Kopi consideration. Cafe chains Coffee and Toast and Toast Box have raised their prices by 10%. And as a morning dose of kopi-o is the backbone of the workforce, coffee and kaya toast are now tax deductible.

 

Dating app deduction. Tinder is now charging premium fees. The government understands that it’s hard to meet someone you like. And we’re not making things easier by pressuring you to reproduce. That’s why, to increase the probability of SG50 babies, Tinder fees will also be deductible on your tax return.

 

Ticket treat. To encourage concert ticket purchases, we’re making them tax deductible. You’ve been spooked by the by cancelations of Hostess Club, Mos Def, Lykke Li and now Future Music, and buying tickets is starting to seem like a crapshoot. But citizens, your leap of faith is vital to the economy. Keep doing it!

 

 

Non-truffle tax. Singapore’s superior standards of living are a point of pride us. So it’s unfair to tax the very things that make your lives better. A new tax on F&B businesses will punish nontruffled items. This will encourage truffle on everything and make you proud to live in the Lion City.

 

Emergency zi char solutions. The AVA has been helping local fish farmers who recently and creepily lost hundreds of thousands of fish because of…something. But something has to be done for you, the consumer, as well. We are unrolling a tax break for the city’s zi char establishments so you don’t suffer from any price hikes resulting from the shortage.

 

Anti-cutlery measure. According to a very reliable-sounding local study involving 11 people, people who eat rice with chopsticks have lower blood sugar levels. Healthier citizens are good for the health budget, so we’re taxing spoon users. The rest of you: prepare for SG50 commemorative chopsticks.

 

Sincerely,

The Government

 

 

Photo credit Aaron G.