SAN FRANCISCO (AFP)—Just one day after the opening party of Bangkok’s mega-sized new luxury shopping mall, IconSiam, experts have warned that the world’s supply of Internet may be all but “used up” following the massive spike in Thai social media posts.
According to the statement, the World Wide Web could not handle the number of Thais who got an invite or knew someone who got an invite or knew someone who knew someone who got an invite or who just took a boat over on the off-chance they’d get in, and then furiously posted to social media all evening on Nov 9, 2018.
“We hadn’t predicted this day coming,” said British inventor Tim Berners-Lee, who first discovered Internet in 1990. “But then IconSiam opened, and Bangkokians were actually posting the entire Alicia Keys set in 15-second bursts on Instagram stories. There isn’t enough Internet to take that shit,” added the decorated professor of computer science.
His comments have provoked a firestorm back in Bangkok, where oversharing on social media is still widely accepted, and over 10 Instagram posts per day can go unnoticed.
Pancake, a postgraduate student in communication arts at Chulalongkorn University, took to Facebook to defend her 98 stories that included two dozen Boomerangs in front of the bathroom mirror and eight selfies with Taiwanese heartthrob Darren Chen.
“First shark fin, then plastic bags, now Instagram! Farang need to get off our case and respect Thai culture!” wrote the irate student in a post that took over three hours to upload on the only crappy 3G network left.
Still, Berners-Lee warned that Bangkok had more to lose from the Internet shortage than most countries.
“The worrying thing is it’s so close to Wonderfruit,” said the expert. “Without Internet, they won’t be able to post pictures in headdresses on top of the Paradise Molam bus or eating farm-to-table dinners at the Wonderfeast. If you can’t do that, frankly, what’s the point in going?”
In reaction, IconSiam put out a statement defending its opening: “For centuries, Bangkok has been awaiting an Exquisite Local Landmark to stand on the river as a Beacon of Thai Excellence for all world citizens to admire,” it said. “If the Internet has Sacrificed itself for this Dawning of a New Era in luxury retail, then it has died for a Noble Cause: telling people about our shopping mall.”
International experts are seeking answers as to why Bangkok became so excited about a new shopping mall. As of press time, their only explanation was a big Adidas.
This story is satire, not news. Read this and more stories like it in the print edition of BK, out Nov 23. Or subscribe to get every new copy of BK emailed to you for free here.