1. What is your definition of “romantic”?
a. Being 100% monogamous.
b. Being 99% monogamous.
c. Buying expensive stuff for your significant other.
d. Being able to do it 5 times in one night.

2. Love is:
a. Giving.
b. An emotional state caused by hormones in your body running amok.
c. A big, fat lie.
d. An illusion propagated by the government so we’ll have more babies who will become tax-paying workers. That’s the whole point, really.

3. People say “I love you” because they:
a. Are seriously in love! What’s wrong with you?
b. Want to get married and live boringly ever after.
c. Watch too much TV.
d. I don’t know. But it shuts her up.

4. Kissing is:
a. A very sweet act of affection.
b. An ideal moment to blush shyly and act innocent.
c. A prelude to some hotter action.
d. An unnecessary formality. Best done quickly with eyes closed.

5. Valentine’s Day is nearing. You:
a. Buy flowers and chocolates and book a table at a nice restaurant on the 14th.
b. Buy birth control.
c. Disappear.
d. Draw up a plan so I can see my five lovers in 24 hours.

6. Valentine’s is a great day for:
a. Promises.
b. Avoiding boring couples because they’re all out having dinner.
c. A Brazilian.
d. Sex.

7. Valentine’s Day was originally:
a. A holiday to celebrate the magic of love.
b. Just another Roman excuse for an orgy.
c. The church’s way of spoiling what was originally a perfectly good Roman orgy.
d. The brainchild of greeting card companies, chocolate makers and florists.

8. What is a “cupid”?
a. A cheeky cherub with a bare bum, whose arrow will make anyone fall in love with the first person they see.
b. Mascot for a brand of toilet paper.
c. A word that understandably rhymes with “stupid.”
d. Nickname for my…

9. In your Valentine’s card, you write:
a. A heart-breaking, self-penned love poem.
b. Some choice lines from a sonnet by Baudelaire.
c. Some choice lines from an R. Kelly song.
d. “There once was a woman from Wick…”

10. Which three words best epitomize Valentine’s Day?
a. Love and romance.
b. A night out.
c. Another stupid holiday.
d. Dinner, then sex.

11. What is your Valentine’s Day color?
a. Pink. My love is sweet and naïve.
b. Red. My love burns hot and is forever.
c. White. My love is pure.
c. Black. Like my heart.

12. Where are you going to book for dinner?
a. Le Vendome. Only the best for you, my sweet.
b. Le Steak. I’ve never heard of it either, but I heard it’s cheap.
c. Le Bouchon. If the date doesn’t pan out, at least I’ll be in Patpong.
d. Book? Why, are we going somewhere?

13. If you could take your tii-raak away for Valentine’s Day, where would you go?
a. Venice. For serenaded gondola tours.
b. Paris. Cheese and truffles are great aphrodisiacs.
c. Outer space. We’ve already done the mile high club.
d. Pattaya. Great seafood and golf.

14. It’s late, you’re at your front door, and you suddenly remember it’s Valentine’s Day. You…
a. Go in, admit my mistake and offer to cook dinner.
b. Run to 7-Eleven and pick up a bottle of Chang and a plastic-wrapped cake.
c. Steal flowers from a neighbor or the closest public park.
d. Take off my shirt, fold it into a bow and put it on my head.

15. Where is the best place in Bangkok to spend Valentine’s Day?
a. Vertigo. What a view. And imagine holding hands under the stars, far from the maddening crowd.
b. RCA. Too loud to talk and plenty of booze.
c. Vertigo. After coughing up that much cash, I expect to get something in return.
d. Soi Patpong. No need to take a date.

16. Your loved one has forgotten Valentine’s Day. You…
a. Collapse into a sobbing mess and sink into a long, dark depression that lasts months.
b. Make him/her take me to Le Normandie, where I order the most
expensive food on the menu.
c. Make a scene. At least the make-up sex will be good. Damn good.
d. Don’t notice. I forgot, too.

17. When you see hearts, you want to:
a. Fall in love.
b. Get one as a gift, preferably cut out of a diamond.
c. Do something about my cholesterol.
d. Fondle something heart-shaped.

18. Booty-calling an old flame on Valentine’s Day is:
a. Sad.
b. Lame but acceptable. Might as well get a little more mileage out of
the time we spent together.
c. Smart. S/he’s probably thinking the same thing.
d. Expected.

19. How will you spend the day after?
a. Call in sick and spend the day together.
b. Breakfast in bed, of course I cook.
c. Business as usual. Go to work—but with a big smile on my face.
d. Sneak out before he/she wakes up. After I erase my number from
his/her cell.

20. Your other half is very sick and calls you while you’re busy at work. You:
a. Stop my work immediately, run to the nearest pharmacy and get him/her every kind of medicine imaginable. In the name of love.
b. Tell him/her to quit bitching, take some Para and stop bothering me at work. Put in a nice way, of course.
c. Say, “Hello. Who is this?”
d. Rejoice. Freedom at last!

21. What is the ultimate gift?
a. Love.
b. A romantic holiday.
c. Chocolates, flowers and anything made of gold.
d. Swallowing.

The Verdict.
a. 1 point b. 2 points c. 3 points d. 4 points

21-36 Hopelessly Romantic.	37-49 In Love.	50-64 Faking it.	Over 65 Just Want to Get Laid.
Are you still a virgin? What’s the deal here? Valentine’s Day was invented to sell greetings cards. Wake up!	OK, so you’re in love. FINE. Just stop being so obvious about it. Some of us are still single and deserve respect, too.	How’s sitting on that fence feel? Move up to the “In Love” category, or get real and downgrade to “Just want to get laid.”	Love? What’s that? Aren’t we all just animals that are trying to spread our DNA?

Non Alcoholic Pick Up Joints

Been alone for ages? Maybe you are looking in the wrong place. Check out these non-bar places and get yourself a lover, partner or gig this Valentine’s Day.

• Starbucks, Thonglor 1 branch (237 Soi Thonglor (before Thonglor Soi 13), 02-712-9691. Open Sun-Thu 7am-10pm, Fri-Sat 7am-11pm. www.starbucks.co.th.)
If you are looking for a chance to meet with young execs or cute university students, look no further. This is a meeting point of stylish people who are willing to pay up to B200 for something to drink. But it’s a coffee shop, so take your time. As long as your target doesn’t order a take-away cup, you should have at least an hour to think of some way to approach them.

• Fitness First Plus (3/F, Q House Lumpini Bldg., 1 South Sathorn Rd., 02-677-7131. Open Mon-Fri 6am-10pm, Sat-Sun 8am-9pm. www.fitnessfirst.co.th.)
Nothing is sexier than a good-looking guy in tight sportswear (well, if you don’t mind the smell). Girls, this one is just for you. Be sporty for a day, and walk up to a machine next to one your target is working on. Fumble with it and pretend not to know how to use it. If they don’t offer to help, just turn and say, “Hey, can you give me a hand with this? These things are so confusing for me.” Shazam! You’re talking (and maybe touching) already.

• Villa Supermarket (J Ave, 593/5 Thonglor, 02-712-6000. Open daily 6am-midnight.)
At Villa, food and drink are not the only things you can put in your cart. Supermarkets are great for observing your dream guy/girl’s habits…or showing off some of your own. Put a few high quality, high ticket items in your basket—perhaps some French cheese or some B300 artichokes—then take a stroll. See what’s in your target’s basket, then come up to them and ask (without glancing up from your shopping list), where that item is, or another item of the same type (“Excuse me, do you know where they keep the extra virgin olive oil? Oh, you have some in your basket...”). Ice officially broken, carry on chatting like old friends.

• TCDC (6/F, Emporium, 622 Sukhumvit Rd., 02-664-8448, Open Tue-Sun 10:30am-9pm. www.tcdc.or.th.)
If you opt for smart and classy types, this venue is the best. Take a look around its exhibition rooms for art and design lovers or apply for a membership and enjoy an eye-nourishing view plus good books in the library. Of course your approach has to be suitably bookish...but you’re a smart cookie, right?

• Gourmet Market (G/F, Siam Paragon, 991/1 Rama 1 Rd., 02-610-9000. Open daily 10am-10pm.)
Similar to Villa, the luxurious supermarket at Paragon’s basement offers a wide variety of quality products...There are plenty of fish in this air-con sea, so go on, hook’em.

Flirting 101

The first step to being a successful flirt is to show that you’re attracted to a certain person. After all, when you are told someone likes you, doesn’t that elevate your opinion of them? Being the quirky creatures we are, there is no sure-fire, 100-percent-guaranteed way to know if someone is attracted to you. So why not try to let them know instead...

Eye To Eye Contact

This is the number one flirting signal; the gateway to an approach, so go on: look over there!

DO: Make eye contact briefly, a few times—keeping your gaze soft. If the object of your desire reciprocates, it means you’ve got their interest. (Or you’ve got pak chee in your teeth.)
DON’T: Stare. You’ll scare them! If they don’t return your initial gaze, all is not lost: See how that person interacts within a group. They may just be shy and hesitate to hold anyone’s gaze for long.

Be Yourself

So now, you’re more than faces in the crowd, what next? Find yourself next to them at the bar.
DO: Keep it simple—use natural openers such as “It’s a bit crowded in here, don’t you think?” Even if you feel obvious, these are recognized conversation starters, open questions that people can respond to.
DON’T: Use cheesy pick-up lines—even if you think you’re being funny and charming. It will only make you look predatory, and them feel cheap.

Tease

A bit of good-natured friction heightens tensions and raises expectations for later.
DO: Playfully tease them—but keep it light and fun.
DON’T: Make fun of their shortcomings—even if they do.

Slowly Slowly...

Most people like a bit of a chase, why not give it to them?
DO: Be subtle. Make them suspect you’re interested, but don’t let them know for sure.
DON’T: Be cryptic. Men and women do not share the same lines of logic: men often can’t read signals that women think are patently obvious, and vice versa.

The Look of Love

Confidence and charm can outweigh physical disadvantages, but try to find someone roughly as attractive as you: statistically, there’s a better chance you’ll stay together.

While women tend to underestimate their looks, men often overestimate theirs, because there are “less rigid” rules for men’s beauty. So girls, flirt with men who you think look better than you. And boys, bolster your flirting skills, you’re going to need them!

Reading the Signs

10 Really Bad Pick-Up Lines

• Wanna see a trick I learned in prison?
• If I could rearrange the alphabet, I would put U and I together.
• Are you religious? Cause you are the answer to all my prayers.
• I'm on fire. Can I run through your sprinkler?
• I like the look of your crotch.
• You must be Jamaican, because Jamaican me crazy.
• You know what I like about you? My arms.
• Are my undies showing? Would you like them to?
• Your daddy must have been a baker, because you've got a nice
set of buns.
• Do you know how to use a whip?