Imagine having someone walking around your home, sharing your bedroom (and bathroom), eating your food and expecting to be entertained. Welcome to the wonderful world of houseguests. Like it or not, sometimes putting your friends, relatives, friends of friends or friends of relatives up in a hotel is not an option. For times like these, here are some tips for making the most out of their visit.

Best Bud

The only person who knows each and every deep secret you’ve kept since childhood. Someone who can tell what’s on your mind before you say it.
Preparations: Stock up on Paracetamol, Betadine and a complete first aid kit. Take time off work. Plan a party. Be prepared for a hangover.
First night: Go straight to Route66 (29/33-40 Block B, Royal City Avenue, Rama 9 Rd., 08-1916-2898. Open daily 8pm-2am, www.route66club.com) and dance ’til both of you drop.
First morning: Get a bowl of congee at Joke Sam Yan (920 between soi Chula 52 and 54, 08-1350-6671. Open Mon-Fri 3-8am, 3-8pm, Sat and Sun 3-8am.)
Must-do: Get him laid.
Can’t miss: Spending a whole day sitting in Cup B (2/F, Lido Theater, 02-658-4700/-1. Open daily 11am-9pm) over cups of tea and cakes while digging up stuff from the old days.
Risk factor: He misses his return flight.
Highlight: Behaving like teenagers again.
True highlight: Feeling like teenagers again.
Get-out clause: No need.

Generation Gappers

Parents, grandparents, assorted relations and friends of the family.
Preparations: Old(er) people can be a lot more work, but remember: You owe them. Plus they can be really sweet. So, clean up your house, change the sheets, fill the fridge—and don’t forget to hide your porn.
First night: Dinner at home. They fall asleep by dessert, you go out for a much-needed drink.
First morning: They get up at 6am, clean the kitchen and make breakfast for you.
Must-do: Take them to a good spa or holistic center. Try The Bodhi (Unit 403-404, 4/F, Erawan Bangkok, 494 Ploenchit Rd., Pathumwan, 02-250-7882/-3. Open daily 10am-8pm)
Can’t miss: Tuba (34 Room 11-12 A, Ekkamai 21, 02-711-5500. Open daily 11-1am), where you can sit and drink while grannies enjoy reminiscing over hip, retro furniture.
Risk factor: They lose your keys.
Highlight: The wedge of cash sneaked into your pocket on the way to the airport.
True highlight: Bonding with your folks, adult-to-adult.
Get-out clause: Urgent business trip to Chiang Mai.

Backpacker

No matter how much you liked this person when you were loved up, the thought of sharing your real life with him longer than a week fills you with horror.
Preparations: Hide spare bed. Empty fridge.
First night: Forget to pick him up from the airport.
First morning: Trip over his prone form on the floor (you have loaned your sofa to a friend).
Must-do: Khao San, where he will feel right at home, for bars and galleries. Pretend to unintentionally mention all the nice guesthouses in the area.
Can’t miss: Chatuchak Market (without a map).
Risk factor: He stays more than one night.
Highlight: He leaves.
True highlight: He doesn’t come back.
Get-out clause: Change the locks, take the phone off the hook and stay at someone else’s house.

Love Interest

This could be The One.
Preparations: Big up your life. Save up, go to gym, get waxed, buy condoms. Make up one bed.
First night: Have a drink and marvel at the view at Moon Bar at Vertigo (61/F, Banyan Tree, 21/100 South Sathorn Rd., 02-679-1200. Open daily 5pm-1am). Then home for Champagne, candles, bubble bath.
First morning: Breakfast in bed. Don’t forget that single rose.
Must-do: Take a one-day trip around Rattanakosin Island, then head to Divana Nurture Spa (8 Soi Sukhumvit 35, 02-261-4818/9. Open Mon-Fri 11am-11pm, Sat and Sun 10am-11pm) for the 3-hour Intimate Elegance treatment, which includes foot soak, body massage, aromatic steam, body scrub and floral milky bath (B3,950). The next day enjoy fine Thai food and river breezes on a Manohra Cruise (B1,766. 02-477-0770, www.manohracruises.com)—or make it your own private pumpkin cruise for B30,000-40,000.
Can’t miss: First kiss.
Risk factor: Is a bit too friendly with your best friend.
Highlight: First night.
True highlight: Last night.
Get-out clause (we’re hoping you won’t need one, but just in case): Introduce him to your married friends who are always fighting.

Shopaholic

For her, spending = satisfaction (and is just as good as other “s” words). Thankfully, courtesy of King Power, she can begin her mission from the moment she steps off the plane.
Preparations: Get yourself a pair of super comfortable shoes, write down a list of all shopping malls in Bangkok with ongoing sale info and arrange for limo or taxi service.
First night: Take a cab from the airport to Suan Lum Night Bazaar. After trolling the aisles for bargains, enjoy an authentic huun lakorn lek show at Joe Louis Theater (1875 Suan Lum Night Bazaar, Rama 4 Rd., 02-252-9683/4. Open daily 7:30-8:45pm. www.joelouis-theater.com). Tickets for your friend are B400 (B200 for you, if you’re Thai).
First morning: Hand over the list of malls along with BK—then wave goodbye.
Must-do: Go to Pratunam, and teach her how to really bargain—up to 80% off the original price.
Can’t miss: Countdown to 2007 at Siam Paragon (991/1 Rama 1 Rd., 02-610-9000. Open daily 10am-10pm. www.siamparagon.co.th) or Central World Plaza (999/9 Rama 1 Rd., 02-264-5555. Open daily 10am-10pm. www.centralworld.co.th).
Risk factor: Bankruptcy.
Highlight: A suitcase full of fake handbags.
True highlight: They fall apart after a month of use.
Get-out clause: Lose your Visa card.

Fitness Freak

He’s been living in a gym for so long he’s immune to that funky locker room smell.
Preparations: Push-ups and sit-ups, take the stairs instead of the elevator, watch ESPN.
First night: Dine and drive at Top Golf (Piyarom Sports Club, Sukhumvit Soi 101/1, 02-201-3019/20. Open 9am-midnight. www.thaitopgolf.com).
First morning: Morning walk in a cozy park—try Benjasiri Park (Sukhumvit Rd., between Soi 22 and 24, 02-262-0810. Open daily 5am-8pm).
Must-do: Sign him up for Muay Thai at Sor. Vorapin Muay Thai Boxing Gym 1 (13 Trok Kasap, Jakkapong Rd., 02-282-3551. Open daily 7:30-9:30am and 3-5pm. www.thaiboxings.com). Instruction is B400/hour (B200 if you’re Thai).
Can’t miss: Thai-style energy drinks; dee nguu, ya dong.
Risk Factor: Juvenile horseplay results in bruises and broken bones.
Highlight: You lose weight.
True Highlight: You gain it all back in two months.
Get-out clause: Fake letter from a doctor—in Thai—that says you’re not allowed to exercise until your test results are in.

Geek

Gamer, bookworm, collector of Star Wars paraphernalia. Find the right spot and leave him in peace with his weird favorite things.
Preparations: Buy rare comics (early editions of Spiderman, Superman, etc. if you can afford them), video games, chessboard, monopoly. Sign up for broadband if you don’t have it already.
First night: Scrabble ’til you drop.
First morning: Let him enjoy your comics while you sneak out for a quiet cup of coffee alone. Return with a bag of donuts and Diet Coke.
Must-do: Take him to TCDC (6/F, The Emporium, 662 Sukhumvit 24, 02-664-8448. Open Tue-Sun 10:30am-9pm. www.tcdc.or.th)—don’t forget his passport and your ID for one-day free admission.
Can’t miss: Neilson Hays Library (195 Suriwongse Rd., 02-233-1731. Open Tue-Sun 9:30am-5pm).
Risk factor: Suffocating to death among piles of books.
Highlight: You learn to speak Greek (beta, gamma, alpha, omega).
True highlight: Close encounter of the Third Kind.
Get-out clause: Fake a kidnap scene, leave him a code to break and stay at your friend’s house until he leaves.

How to get rid of uninvited houseguests in 10 days

Day 1: After their long sleepless flight, warmly welcome them with a party. Invite tons of your friends; keep it noisy.
Day 2: Wake them up before sunrise. Ask for help with the dishes and throwing out the empty bottles.
Day 3: Announce you’re going on a vegetarian lent. No steak, ice cream or alcohol—tofu and soybeans only.
Day 4: Fake illness. Put a pack of ice on your forehead and pretend that you’ve got a cold.
Day 5: Start your all-time worst soap operas marathon. Baansaithong or Sombat Methani’s series would be perfect.
Day 6: Ask them to baby-sit your neighbor’s kid.
Day 7: Keep busy; act like your responsibilities at work have suddenly become a matter of life and death.
Day 8: Wear the same pajamas for 7 days. You’re working too hard to change.
Day 9: Leave them alone, taking care of your home, while you go get some steak and booze.
Day 10: Recommend a nice hotel nearby or, even better, a place to get cheap camping gear.