Money, so they say, is the root of all evil. Or, at least, it was the root of all evil–now, it’s just the root of gullibility and desperation, driving people to ridiculous lengths for the almighty dollar.

But fret not, all of you armchair millionaire hopefuls. After sifting through the most popular get-rich-quick schemes around, we’ve come up with the top 10 ways to hit pay dirt based on the likelihood of you succeeding, the amount of effort you’ll have to put in and how much of your soul you’ll need to sacrifice along the way. So, drum roll please…

Baby, Don’t Forget My Number

Fruitlessly blowing obscene amounts of money on 4D and Toto seems to be a favorite local pastime, but considering how effortless it is to plunk down your cash for “four big, four small”, we’ll start our list with it.

If you think about it, it really isn’t a totally hopeless way to make it big. You could rely on sheer dumb luck like the rest of the population, or you could study the statistical odds of what the winning numbers are going to be. I mean, 4D only has 10,000 options, right?

So, if you’re a mathematical genius, you stand a decent enough chance of striking the proverbial gold. For everyone else … well, keep trying and best of luck.

The Laziness Quotient: $$$$
Chances of Making it Big: $
Odds of You Keeping Your Soul: $$$$

Drink and Drive

As far as night life goes, there is nothing worse than being the evening’s designated driver. You can’t touch a drop of booze and you still have to find a way to get the stink of puke out of your car’s upholstery at the end of the night.

So why not make a little scratch from it? Have your buddies “hire” your services for quite the pretty penny to haul their drunken asses home. You’re probably not going to get filthy rich from this, but at least you’ll score a little pocket money for yourself when it’s your turn to get good and sloshed.

The Laziness Quotient: $$
Chances of Making it Big: $$
Odds of You Keeping Your Soul: $$$$$

The Gurus Who Do What Nobody Else Dares To Do

We were all raised to look for a job that’s specialized, but in demand. If you think about it, becoming a sex guru falls into that category quite nicely. After all, aside from Dr. Wei Siang Yu, what other prominent local sex specialist can you think of? The market’s wide open for our very own Alfred Kinsey.

Of course, this isn’t some vague occupation where you can sprout rubbish and pass it off as facts, so there are still years of studying to go through first. Not to mention developing ace people skills so they’ll fess up to you. But no, you don’t get to do it all the time.

The Laziness Quotient: $
Chances of Making it Big: $$$
Odds of You Keeping Your Soul: $$$$

The Eagle Has LANded

LAN gaming cafés are still pretty big business, with new ones now popping up in the heartlands. What’s more, as opposed to normal cafés, you don’t have to worry about food or a scenic view. Gamers, after all, can go without sunlight for days, surviving on nothing but snacks and sodas.

Of course, starting up one of these places actually requires you to spend quite a bit before you even see a cent in returns, which sounds way too hard for us.

The Laziness Quotient: $
Chances of Making it Big: $$
Odds of You Keeping Your Soul: $$$$$

Power to the People

Now, this is what we’re talking about. Power-selling is basically just auctioning a company’s products on eBay or any similar site. Heck, we do this with our old CDs on a regular basis anyway.

While there is the appeal of being able to work in your underwear, your fat check will, however, depend on whether you can actually sell the goods. So, no matter how marketable the product, your success rate is still pretty iffy.

The Laziness Quotient: $$$$
Chances of Making it Big: $$
Odds of You Keeping Your Soul: $$$

Slap Leather

Nothing reeks of gold-digging like jumping on the ol’ bandwagon. Toss a stone anywhere in Orchard Road these days and you can hit a stall selling beaded and leather jewelry. While some of these certainly are gorgeous, a lot of them look like a six-year-old threw them together in his spare time and still go for up to $8. Go for it if you have greater artistic capabilities than a six-year-old.

As far as silly trends go, this is our new bubble tea. Pick up the basics of beading, market your creations just right and, before you know it, you too will be out there making preposterous amounts of dinero from suckers who don’t know any better.

The Laziness Quotient: $$
Chances of Making it Big: $$$
Odds of You Keeping Your Soul: $$

False Idols

Don’t get us wrong–we’re not asking you to win Singapore Idol. That might be a bit too much of a stretch. You should aim your sights a little lower than becoming the next Taufik. Nope, lower than Sylvester. Olinda’s still pushing it here, people! Think William Hung.

With his smooth moves, everyone’s favorite wannabe-Ricky Martin landed himself a movie deal, something that passes for an album, and even his own fan club. All you need to do is to make a complete jackass of yourself on national television. That doesn’t sound too bad, does it?

The Laziness Quotient: $$$
Chances of Making it Big: $$$$
Odds of You Keeping Your Soul: $

Pixel Perfect

When 21-year-old Briton Alex Tew made over a million dollars by selling each and every pixel on his website, www.milliondollarhomepage.com, as advertising space, we couldn’t help but collectively slap our foreheads, while spewing an alarming amount of obscenities. Tew’s ridiculously simple idea is one of those concepts that leave you wondering why you didn’t think of it first.

We can’t deny that it really is one of the best–and, more importantly, laziest–ways we’ve heard of to get the dough rolling. But if you’re going to get in on the action, you’d better get to it right now because a slew of imposters are already popping up online.

After all, how do you beat sitting on your ass and proclaiming that people are paying you to be a part of “Internet history”?

The Laziness Quotient: $$$$$
Chances of Making it Big: $$$$
Odds of You Keeping Your Soul: $$

For Love or Money? (Psst … ! It’s Not Love!)

Well, the only thing we can think of that’s better than making obscene amounts of money while sitting on your ass is doing so while lying on your back. Hey, it worked for Anna Nicole Smith, right? Yeah, it’s borderline necrophilia to be shacking up with a tycoon who’s a stroke away from becoming worm food, but if it means you’re inheriting a fortune, does it really seem so bad?

OK, who’re we kidding? This could very probably work for you, but it’s just disturbing on so many levels. If you are planning on giving it a shot, all we’ve got to say is “Here’s to you, Mrs. Robinson!”

The Laziness Quotient: $$$$
Chances of Making it Big: $$$$$
Odds of You Keeping Your Soul: -

Well, Isn’t This Ironic…

You may laugh it up at those guys who look so enthusiastic all the time and tell you that you–yes, you!–can be as rich as they are. But walk around the CBD during lunch one of these days and see for yourself how many people are reading books that preach the path to riches in “five easy steps”. Chances are you’ve probably cracked open one of these yourself.

So, there you have it. The answer to all your financial woes has literally been under your nose all this while. Writing your own self-help and get-rich-quick book is the way to go. Pick the catchiest–but vaguest–method, then preach on while milking your readers for every cent they’re worth.

The Laziness Quotient: $$
Chances of Making it Big: $$$$
Odds of You Keeping Your Soul: $