Fantasy

Hot Summer Fantasies

Dear Sexpert, I sometimes fantasize about other people while I’m having sex with my spouse. Am I being unfaithful? Should I confess?

Studies say that the healthier a person’s fantasy world is, the happier their sex lives. Fantasizing heightens the erotic experience of sex. As for what’s going on in your head, that’s your private playground. Fantasies aren’t real and getting turned on by them in your head does not mean you want it to actually happen.

If you are uncomfortable with your fantasies, alter and experiment until you find versions that are more acceptable but just as much of a turn on. Men tend to fantasize about sexual acts and body parts, women the bigger picture—being rescued, romanced and swept away or overpowered by a total brute because you are just too, too desirable for him to resist.

Should you spread the joy? Well, just because the weather makes us sweat, it doesn’t mean you have to share every hot secret. Especially if it might push your husband or wife past their boiling points. However, if you need to fantasize every time you want to climax with your partner, or if the dreams are recurrent and you are obsessing over them, it’s time to listen to those alarm bells ringing. Discuss your desires with your partner if you feel it will enhance your togetherness.

Three’s Company?

Dear Sexpert, My boyfriend keeps bringing up the subject of a threesome. I’m not completely against it, but I’m still a bit scared. Should I be? Do you have any tips?

For starters, what combination exactly is your boyfriend thinking of? You never know, it could be you and two men! If it’s going to be you, another woman and your boyfriend, are you bisexual—or at least a little bi-curious? Do you get aroused at the thought of doing naughty things with another woman in front of your man? Do you know why he wants to do this? Can you live with that?

Having a threesome is like hosting a party: except there are only three people, no drinks and everyone forgot their clothes. Miss Manners says wonderful things about party etiquette—for instance, be considerate, respect people, know the boundaries of what you’ll be engaging in and keep an eye on the time. You certainly don’t want to devote too much time to one person and make the others jealous. And what makes any party is who we invite.

Introducing a third person into a two-person relationship is tricky. Needless to say, it should be someone who doesn’t want to start a relationship with one of you. The best choices are someone who’s already in a relationship but wants to experiment or someone neither of you know or are likely to see again. Hot sexual chemistry is important, so make damn sure that your third party is going to be a hot lover.

The reality is that this is not something for everyone. That’s why it’s called a fantasy. When you act one out, you are crossing a threshold for better or for worse. Your relationship will never be the same, and it may change things in unexpected ways. Like one of you realizing that you prefer the third person.

We’re the Stars

Dear Sexpert, My boyfriend wants us to make some homemade porn. What are the good and bad points of it?

You’re not alone in wanting to sexually experiment this way, nor are you original either. What you do behind closed doors is your own business; the question to ask yourself is whether you’re OK with it.

Couples make homemade porn for their own enjoyment, as a special sex treat that can be re-lived afterwards, alone or together (as in both of you, not one of you with your friends). If you’ve decided to go for it, agree on how you’re going to go about it during and after. Obviously you’ll need to get the technical aspects of recording down (lighting, who’s shooting, etc.) then decide on things like what acts you’ll do, how much nudity or close-ups, what will or will not be shown, who can view the film, how long to keep it, where to keep it safe, when to erase it, and whose responsibility it is to erase it, and so on. Think it through, and if you can’t trust your wo/man, think again.

The good thing is that you are having fun and playing together. Sexual experimentation with a trusted partner can be fun and exciting. Filming it adds a dimension of sex-as-performance and self-voyeurism, and for many, is a way of capturing their “ain’t I a hot mama/daddy” positive body image. What’s bad is uncertainty, distrust, or lack of respect towards a person’s wishes. While your relationship may not last, your taped performance may, whether or not you want it to.

Tips and Techniques

Coming Out on Top: Yee-hah!

Dear Sexpert, How should I move when I’m on top of my man?

Who doesn’t like cowboys? Who doesn’t want to be a cowgirl? Once you’re on top and he’s inside, you’ve taken the reins and are in control: You know what pace, movement, depth and angle will please you. You can move up and down, forward and back…see what works! Find that G-spot. And of course, pay attention to him and don’t break the magic wand. Men generally get off on the stroking movement, and women on the circular, so the stroke-and-twirl combo is good to try.

As for positioning, do the whole 360 degrees if you wish. Start off straddling him—gently ease down and use your hand to guide him in with your knees on either side. Then move up into a squat, so your weight is on your feet. This is good for vertical movement, or rocking—just like on a hobbyhorse! Or lean forward and pin his arms down so he’s helpless, and can only watch. Try both of you sitting up. Or you can lean back and put your hands on his legs, arch your back and give him a view to remember.

And it’s not just straddling when you’re on top. There’s always sidesaddle, or close your legs and the sensation will be completely different. You can do this front-to-front (very intimate) or back-to-front where his hands can play all over you. People who have a ceiling-installed flatscreen TV appreciate this one. Use him for leverage, use the bed. A lot of woman-on-top positions also work well with one or more feet on the floor.

The Bottom Line

Dear Sexpert, Is anal sex normal? Can the woman orgasm from this?

Going in the back way is not the same as entering through the front—anuses are exits, not entrances, and this can be a painful experience (physically and psychologically) if not done with care. However, it’s been pointed out that if women gave up on vaginal intercourse because it was initially uncomfortable, there would not be very many couples having vaginal intercourse either, and we wouldn’t be here discussing the pros and cons of anal intercourse.

In theory, it can be pleasurable, as there are lots of nerve-endings back there, and the anus is an erogenous zone. If you’re going to try, start slowly over a period of time—begin exploring during regular or oral sex. Lots of people enjoy massages there once they are comfortable and relaxed. For most, just playing lightly in and around the area is enough.

If you’re going there, you have to use lube—too much lubrication is not enough. Always use condoms or latex protection over anything you might insert, and don’t go from the back door to the front without cleaning up first, whether it’s your hands, mouth, toys or penis.

Waan Yen Aroy Dee

Dear Sexpert, My boyfriend keeps asking me for blow jobs. I don’t really know how to do it. Can you help?

Oral sex on a man, or a “blowjob” (a.k.a. “giving head”—or, in more polite circles, “fellatio”), can be foreplay or it can be a full-blown sexual act in itself. Simply put, it is taking a man’s penis into your mouth and kissing, licking…you get the idea.

One thing my gay and bisexual friends are unanimous on: for expert How To advice, girls should consult with gay guys. Much of the info here comes from the lips of men who have both given and received blowjobs.

 Lose your inhibitions. Read your partner’s body language, don’t be tentative, and enjoy how nice it feels to have him by the balls.

Here’s a bit of anatomy 101. The head is the most sensitive part of the penis, and the shaft is what takes center stage when things get into high gear. While testicles are a variable affair, that space behind them is like ground zero. Think waan yen aroy dee!

Once you are in his crotch, get your face down there, and drool! Plenty of spittle, lots of slurping noises, vigorous use of the tongue in circulatory motion or until an unrestrained moan leaks out. And no teeth. Cover your teeth with your lips, especially when sliding up and down his pride and joy.

To avoid lockjaw, don’t concentrate solely on his member. For example, massaging the area between the scrotum and the anus will drive your man wild. This is also good for “edging,” when you bring him to the verge of coming and then slow down so he doesn’t—and then back again.

Finishing is generally messy if he comes, so luxuriate in it. That said, swallowing means no clean up involved and he will feel like an extremely fortunate man. Done right, you’ll both be experiencing a sense of complete abandonment and rapture–which is what sex is all about.

Taking it Off

Dear Sexpert, My boyfriend wants me to do a striptease for him and I am terrified of embarrassing myself. Please help!

Anyone can strip, and if you’re doing it your way, it’ll be a treat for your boyfriend. You’re performing, so chose your music well—the beat is more important than the words, as that’s what you’ll be moving to. The usual accessories are the outside outfit (business or schoolgirl for example) and more importantly, what you have on beneath that—stilettos, stockings and garter belt, and his favorite lingerie are the usual—feel free to improvise. Long necklaces and gloves also work well.

Do a dry run and practice on your own. When it’s time for the real show, drinks will help the mood. Have him sitting at attention on a chair (and not lounging on the sofa) so that you’re the star, and he’s just a bit uncomfortable.

Start by removing the small things such as hat and gloves and let your hair down—but leave other things like your panties, necklace and heels until last. Always do it sloooowly, and toss the clothes you take off at him. You should be dancing not too far away, but not close enough to be touched, until the end. “Stir the pot” by using your hips, do the “queen’s wave” with your hands on knees, arching your back and swinging your booty, and “boobs on Bob” gets you very close to your man while playing with your top assets.

At the very end, there’s the “g-string fling” when you’re on the floor with your panties off and hooked on your heel: Fling them at him!

Keep eye contact the whole time—very, very erotic. You want to see how he’s reacting to everything and getting more and more excited. It’s a power trip. Be expressive with your face—wink, tongue and showcase parts of your body. You should know which he likes.

How You Can Help

Dear Sexpert, What position can fill a gal’s needs? Is there any way to help a lady climax?

I praise you to the skies for thinking of the lady’s pleasure. To find out what position(s) can fill a gal’s needs, the best thing to do is to ask and experiment with the gal herself—learn to communicate. And yes, she’ll tell you.

You’ll find there’s way more than one position. Women can orgasm from direct stimulation of the clitoris, such as when you touch her in the right way, or use your tongue—your penis doesn’t even need to be involved, but it sure can be. Ask her to show you what feels good—if she doesn’t know, it’s time she explored herself so she can show you the way to fill her needs.

During intercourse, it’s the indirect stimulation of the clitoris by the root of your penis and your pubic bone that can bring a woman to climax. Find the right angle and position, or lie back and ask her to move on you. “Woman on top” positions are great at bringing a gal to climax because she gets to move and control penetration and pace as she likes it. For G-spot stimulation, “doggy,” or you behind her, is good because it puts your penis in contact with the part of her vaginal wall (a few centimeters in, towards the front of her belly) where that pleasure zone is.

Remember that it takes longer for a woman to get aroused and to orgasm than it does a man. Foreplay is always great; add to that patience and perceptiveness—read her body, know her mind: Nothing will make a woman climax if she doesn’t allow herself to.

Sex-ucation

Shock and Awe

Any tips for a first-timer? What can I expect? Will I be shocked?

You probably won’t see stars, and the first time you do it won’t be the best sex of your life, either. No physical seizures or other symptoms of medical shock should occur, though later on, when having great sex, you might feel minor electrical charges running through you—very pleasant and tingly. There may be a bit of blood and discomfort the first time you have sex, but that’s not always the case. None of this is shocking.

If you’ve never seen a man’s penis, this may be the shock you are in for. A grown man’s joo looks very different from when he was a little boy, and when he’s excited to meet you, it looks substantially different from when he’s just hangin’ out. It may initially shock you the way a Salvador Dali painting does; as if you were to see a nose coming out of a hairy armpit. You’ll be surprised by how fast you get used to this. Check out nude photos, so you know what to expect on a much smaller and friendlier scale. The first sighting’s a bit unexpected, but you’ll grow to love and anticipate joo’s company when the time is right.

Sizing It Up

Dear Sexpert, Some people say, “size doesn’t matter, it’s just how you use it,” but what if it’s a bit smaller than standard?

Those people would be right. No two men are the same, so why are penises expected to be identical? Yes, of course, there’s a “standard” in this measurement obsessed world, and if you tell me that you are less than the average (around six inches seems to be the general consensus), so what? Size is as important as you think it is—make that the two of you, if you are in a relationship.

Size isn’t just length, it’s also about width. The length of an erect penis can range from four to nine inches, while penis widths can vary from just over one inch to more than two inches. Width is important because that’s where the physical contact and sensation comes from, and don’t forget—a woman’s G-spot and sensitive areas are closer to her opening. A shorter soldier can be more effective than a tall one.

Most women think that men are too obsessed by penis-size, and they’re probably right. It’s best to get over it, especially those of you who think your larger-than-average size sets you apart, and get on with good sex. Size is not important to how good your sex life can be.

Woman to Woman

You women out there, listen here. If you are sexually active, are going to be sexually active, or once were sexually active, even just to make babies, I’m talking to you!

Awareness

Realize what sex is about. Even if you think it’s a means to an end—to have babies, to be a good wife, to get a Benz from your lover—face the fact that the act is also an end in itself. So give sex and your sexuality the respect it deserves! If you’re going to do it, take the time to learn about yourself. Make time to take care of yourself: See the gynecologist once a year to check that all is well and you are healthy inside as well as out.

Protection

Disease. Unwanted pregnancies. Rape. Statistics already tell you that these are very real problems; if none of the above has affected you or a friend yet, chances are high that they will. These things can happen to anyone, and they do. Always use protection. Learn how to stay away from situations (like those involving alcohol and drug abuse) that could result in harm to you. These things happen—don’t be there when they do.

Communication

Talking to your man can be a hard one, but it’s gotta be done. You know him best—be straight, be subtle, be whatever it takes to make him understand your feelings and needs, in your sex life as well as your relationship as a whole. Be diplomatic, but be strong. The fulfillment that mutual understanding will bring to your time together is worth the effort.

Change the future

Educate yourself about how your body works, what sexuality is, and how it affects you as an individual and as part of a society. And educate your kids. Open your eyes, look around you and make an effort to help create a healthy future for the next generation of young guys and gals. Aren’t you a little tired of the sexual double standard in this country? What are you going to do about it?