NATIONAL NEWS
Why did Chalerm’s son, Duang, return to Thailand as Mr. Happy Toilet?
a. The Mr. Happy job was already taken.
b. Everyone deserves a second chance, except people with no connections.
c. The appointment was meant as further humiliation
and punishment.
d. If you can get away with murder, you know a thing or two about cleaning up a shit-stained toilet bowl.

Who is most likely to bring peace to the South?
a. Duang Yubamrung.
b. UN Secretary General Ban Ki-Moon.
c. Barack Obama.
d. Sven Goran Eriksson.

Which of the following is the biggest threat to Thailand?
a. Stealth coups.
b. Gay doctors.
c. Jakrapob’s mouth.
d. Journalists.

A Japanese court found a Japanese contractor guilty of committing what crime in Thailand?
a. Digging water drainage tunnels to make Bangkok sink
even faster.
b. Offering cookie boxes to the BMA under Samak’s governorship.
c. Making plans to dig a tunnel bypassing the PAD protests.
d. Hiring sushi chefs from Isaan.

RESIGNATIONS
Why did Samak resign?
a. He asked one journalist too many times if they’d had bad sex.
b. His chronic tong sia was out of control.
a. He ordered the fire trucks that got Apirak fired.
b. His cooking show’s recipes contained too much plaa raa.

Why did Apirak resign?
a. He paid for the fire trucks Samak ordered.
b. He wanted to run again with a moustache and a motorbike to see if it makes any difference.
c. The election is the fun part.
d. He wanted to show that the BMA can do just fine without a governor.

Why did Noppadon Pattama resign from his position as interior minister?
a. He couldn’t find Thailand on a map.
b. He offered the Cambodians Pattaya in exchange for Preah Vihar.
c. He failed to secure the shooting of Tomb Raider III in Thailand.
d. He doesn’t read the documents he signs.

ELECTION FEVER
How did Obama win the presidential race?
a. A strong electoral base among farmers.
b. Support from the military.
c. Vote-buying.
d. Sarah Palin gave too many interviews.

Women’s hottest campaign trick this year:
a. Drowning your campaign manager.
b. Claiming foreign-policy expertise because your jangwat has a border with two foreign nations.
c. The color pink.
d. Divine intervention.

Men’s hottest campaign trick this year:
a. Motorcycles, moustaches and leather.
b. Pest control.
c. Snide remarks about colors.
d. Asking for World Heritage status for Bangna.

What is the most compelling reason to vote for ML Nattakorn Devakula as governor?
a. He won’t ban parking lots in condos.
b. He looks good in a bulletproof vest.
c. He will replace the BMA’s free bicycles with porters.
d. He will make Miss Thailand 2008’s award-winning Muay Thai outfit compulsory for female police officers.

SHOPPING
According to an ABAC survey, 87% of Thais are willing to?
a. Break the law for personal gain.
b. Steal relics from religious sites.
c. Cut to the front of taxi queues during 5pm rainstorms.
d. Eat something without knowing what it is, so long as it’s
deep-fried.

Why was the Shady Ranch, in Nevada, giving out US$300 cash vouchers?
a. Global warming is a lie.
b. Their prostitutes were that ugly.
c. Food vouchers cause riots.
d. You already forgot how much gas cost?

Somchai was filmed buying a fridge. What was all the hoopla about?
a. Refrigerators are bad for the ozone layer.
b. Four Mod were pissed off he wasn’t filmed showering.
c. He let his lady friend heave the fridge onto the pickup.
d. Even on weekends, he dresses like shit.

The recession was caused by?
a. Journalists hungry for a story.
b. The Swiss black hole machine.
c. The alcohol advertisement ban.
d. Capitalist pigs, dogs, die, die!

PROTESTS
PAD aunties with clappers showed love for their country by:
a. Destroying its tourism business.
b. Keeping their clothes on, unlike Girly Berry.
c. Cooking kao phad for tourists who just wanted to go home.
d. Keeping dirty pictures of Chamlong under their beds.

Which of the following did not result in calls for ­protest?
a. Bus fares not keeping up with the price of fuel.
b. Censorship under the Film and Video Act.
c. Saudi Arabian investors taking over the rice industry.
d. Jakrapob’s mouth.

How did one Iraqi journalist protest against George W. Bush’s policies in Iraq?
a. By pronouncing nuclear correctly.
b. By posting one more mashup of Dubya’s stupidest gaffes on YouTube.
c. By drinking Mecca Cola during a press conference.
d. By offering Bush a pair of fake leather sandals.

TRAVEL
Why was One-Two-Go grounded?
a. Phuket is overrated.
b. The cabin attendants weren’t cute enough.
c. To save on fuel.
d. What goes up must come down.

Why was there talk of moving the ASEAN to Chiang Mai?
a. Nicer weather.
b. It’s the capital of Thailand, dummy.
c. Katoey monks.
d. Pattaya was booked for a Russian dentists’ convention.

FILM
Which actor is being tipped to play Samak in an upcoming educational film on clean politics?
a. Ananda Everingham.
b. Nicky Pimp.
c. Jessica Biel.
d. Babe.

Why was the movie Children of the Dark banned by the TAT from the Bangkok International Film Festival?
a. It portrayed pedophiles in a negative light.
b. There were no foreign movies about Islam this year.
c. Everyone outside of Thailand had already seen it.
d. They thought it was directed by Tony Jaa.

Mario Maurer won Best Actor at several foreign film festivals. Why?
a. He’s a rare actor that can only be compared with Marlon Brando at his finest.
b. He’s cute.
c. Heath Ledger is dead.
d. Ananda Everingham really needs to limit himself to one movie a week, max.

Tony Jaa disappeared into the jungle because?
a. Someone spiked his Mekong.
b. He was upset gossip rags didn’t accuse him of sleeping with Thaksin.
c. He thought he’d get a speaking part in Ong Bak 2.
d. The elephants couldn’t act.

SPORT
Why did the three Thai footballers get their contracts cancelled by Manchester City?
a. They no longer had any PR value.
b. They refused to wai the new manager.
c. The new chairman prefers Brazilians.
d. Those weren’t contracts they signed but a treaty handing over Preah Vihar to Cambodia.

Why did Power Party MP Karun Hosakul kick Democrat MP Somkiat ­Pongpaibul?
a. Karun and Somkiat disagreed on who should be cast as Edward in Twilight.
b. Somkiat revealed that Mor Krit described Karun’s pecker as below average.
c. Karun is The Dragon Warrior we’ve all been waiting for.
d. Somkiat looks weak.

The Beijing Olympics were a success because?
a. The Dalai Lama secretly watched the synchronized swimming.
b. Manus brought back a medal.
c. Some Chinese athletes were old enough to have drivers licenses.
d. In Bangkok, we only lost one torch, and only for a day.

What is the new Thailand Football manager Peter Reid famous for?
a. Looking like a glum monkey.
b. Swearing, a lot.
c. Getting paid more than our Prime Minister (well, officially).
d. Signing a contract and then trying to get a new job.

FOOD
Thanks to China, “safe as milk” now means:
a. Goodbye, cruel world.
b. I hate kids.
c. These drugs are strong!
d. Hello, tong sia.

What was the big fuss about the cookie box Thaksin’s lawyer gave a court clerk?
a. The cookies were stale.
b. Someone had eaten all the cookies and replaced them with paper.
c. The box contained only B2 million.
d. The money was covered in sticky kanom crumbs.

Which of the following did the government warn people not to eat:
a. Nam tok muu.
b. The blood of a homosexual.
c. Anything Samak cooked.
d. Rice.

SCIENCE
What did Interior Minister Chalerm Yubamrung warn webmasters not to do?
a. Post information that may portray Thailand in a negative light.
b. Sell goods or services without collecting VAT.
c. Use too many plug-ins and complicated graphics.
d. Google his name.

The world did not end on Sep 10, 2008, because?
a. The press was lying about when the Swiss “black hole” experiment would take place.
b. God was waiting for the release of Ong Bak 3 to unleash his wrath.
c. The world will end when Thaksin returns.
d. We were already deep in a black hole.

MUSIC AND TELEVISION
By “Final Concert” Groove Riders meant:
a. Give us your money, right now.
b. Don’t believe a rock band, ever.
c. I need to make dad think I’m truly going to sell his crummy Toyotas.
d. We’ll see whether people actually like us live.

The soldier stationed in the deep South believed to have filmed Four Mod showering was?
a. Made a colonel and granted some well-earned R&R.
b. Starred in his own shower scene with his brothers-in-arms.
c. Spanked by Four Mod.
d. Forced to watch all 222 minutes of Citizen Juling on his mobile phone.

B-list manufactured pop group Girly Berry were enlisted to do what?
a. Act as personal trainers for all the fat cats in the new government.
b. Show Karun (the PM who got kicked) what it’s like to get his ass whupped
by women.
c. Convince confused young men not to get castrated.
e. Songkran T&A!

Television producers and advertising agency representatives say that they need more than eight minutes per hour of television to promote?
a. Self-sufficiency.
b. Real Viagra.
c. Children’s snacks.
d. Careers in advertising.

TRENDSPOTTING

Dining
Split Personality Restaurants
Is it because businessmen can’t agree on a single cuisine these days or just that food courts have changed our eating habits? Whatever the reason, more restaurants are following in oldies Mes Amis and Sarah Jane’s footsteps by offering two (or more) cuisines. No, we’re not talking fusion, we mean separate menus and sometimes even separate kitchens, all served in the same dining room so you and your date can dine on treats from two different continents. Terra Roku (Grande Millennium) does Japanese and Italian, for example, but Zense is taking this to uber-schizo levels with four restaurants on the premises: Gianni (Italian), Red (Indian), White Café (Thai) and Kikusui (Japanese).

Italian is the New French
This is one that has been creeping up on us for a while, ever since Nicolas Joanny left Le Vendome for Singapore, last year. Italian cuisine is clearly winning the battle for Bangkokians’ hearts when going head to head with its French counterpart. You just need to look at the changes taking place this year. Ma Maison at Nai Lert Park switched to Italian food becoming “La Dolce Vita at Ma Maison Restaurant of Nai Lert Park.” Mes Amis Cafe ditched most of its French menu and replaced it with Chinese and Italian dishes. And our sources claim Reflexions and D-Sens were very quiet even before the Suvarnabhumi mess. So be warned, you’d better grab your fix of Gallic gastronomy while you still can.

Film
Hollywood remakes of Thai films
Fed up with ripping off Japanese horror flicks and as an alternative to simply creating endless sequels, this year, Hollywood uncovered a new source for movie material, Thailand. That’s right—they looked to us, which is flattering, but we soon came to regret the attention. Let’s start with the shocking Bangkok Dangerous in which Nicholas Cage continued to prove that he has lost all touch with reality, and the art of acting. He even requested the Pang brothers modify the 1999 original to make the deaf-mute hitman’s role a speaking part. Not a wise move. As for directors Banjong Pisanthanakun and Sopon Sukdapisit, they didn’t get to remake their 2004 hit, Shutter, perhaps the best scary movie in Thai cinema history. The US remake was handed over to z-list J-horror director Masayuki Ochiai who turned Shutter into a big piece of crap. Go Hollywood!

Travel
travel IS THE NEW FUR
The big new trend in travel for 2008 was, ironically, not where or when but, Should I travel? Motivated by eco-concerns (like the carbon footprint of that flight to London), the question became even more pressing with the closure of Suvarnabhumi. What do we get for our travel conscious troubles? A neologism, “staycation,” which means a vacation spent at home. Ugh.

Designer Travel
Going somewhere because you actually give a rat’s ass about your destination is so 2007. People now go to hotels to check out the actual hotel. It does kind of make sense. After all, the world is growing more and more uniform by the minute: “Oh, great, shopping in Singapore. Oh but wait, it looks just like Paragon.” Take Cha-Am. It ain’t much compared to Hua Hin but Thai architect Duangrit Bunnag’s Alila Cha-Am single-handedly put the second-class resort town back on the map with a Barcelona Pavilion meets Alice in Wonderland experience. The year’s other design sensation was in Chiang Mai’s v. “The High Resort” has a very natural feel with its curvaceous shapes and generous use of wood, black marble and water hyacinth.

Fashion
Headbands
Caps, berets, trilby’s—they all became slightly old hat this year, especially among 17-year-old girls hanging out at Siam Square. Instead the headwear of choice was the sparkly super thin headband. They would argue that these silly strips of cloth are style statements. We would argue that they are just shoelaces with a bit of glitter stuck on them.
Gladiator Shoes
This trend came with the royal stamp of approval, quite literally as Princess Sirivannavari Mahidol featured these strappy sandals as a prominent feature of her collection at the Paris Fashion Week. Indeed, everyone from Jimmy Choo to Burberry brought out their own version of this fierce looking footwear, filling our sidewalks with warrior women and conjuring up images of Roman orgies. Unfortunately the desire to top off the look by donning a skimpy toga didn’t quite catch on, well except in the BK office.

Tech
Touch Screen phones
We’ve been waiting for this ever since The Minority Report came out. Released mid-2007, the iPhone was long a loner in our keyboard-filled existence. 2008 finally gave us the chance to control more and more of the world through our little pinky finger—cue maniacal laughter. Megalomania aside, this year saw every phone company worth its salt, from Samsung to Nokia, bring out their caress-sensitive screen. We love competition but the iPhone still has the best fishing game. Keep trying, guys.

Netbooks
Someone finally realized that 17” screens and cramming in every desktop function out there was not the only path for laptops. Maybe it was the fear of being compared to PDAs, which might have been around a while but still can’t compete with a proper comp (and are now just being replaced by smart phones). Which is why we all welcomed the arrival of the netbook in 2008. These lightweight, low cost babies are cute and practical alternatives to the weight and expense of a laptop. At last, we’re no longer tied to our office desk and can spend our time sipping lattes in Starbucks pretending to work while we secretly eye up the cuties, browse email, watch porn and play games online.