Because there will always be bad people out there, there are laws. For the rest of us, there are manners, the lubricants that allow the machine of society to operate without breaking down every 20 minutes. Unfortunately, the rules haven’t kept up with the times, leading to confusion and apathy.

What a minefield etiquette can be! If Mr. KIA had a baht for every question he received about manners, he would be Mr. Own-It-All instead of Mr. Know-It-All. But, don’t worry, Mr. KIA does this out of the goodness of his heart, not for material gain.

So here is a selection of Mr. KIA’s guidelines for the modern guy and gal.

You and Your Mobile Phone

The general rule is this: You should not talk anywhere other people have no choice but to listen to your conversation. That means enclosed spaces or in quiet places where people are trying to concentrate, recover or relax. So walking down Silom during your lunch hour, yak all you want, as loud as you want, gesticulate as wildly as you like. You’ll look like an idiot, and you might forget to watch where you’re going and fall into a hole in the sidewalk, but that’s your problem.

• Nightclubs, beer gardens, bowling alleys, rock concerts, fast-food restaurants: OK to talk.

• Fine dining restaurants, hospital rooms, movie theaters, the opera or classical concerts, funerals, tennis matches: Not OK to talk, not OK to answer, and your ringer should be turned off if your phone isn’t.

• Elevator, BTS, MRT: OK to answer and tell the caller you cannot talk at the moment.

• Casual restaurants: OK to answer, but not to engage in a long conversation.

• Jazz performance in an auditorium: Not OK to talk, not OK to answer. Turn off your phone!

• Jazz performance in nightclub: OK if you’re discreet, but be careful that it’s not someone like Alice Day singing because she’ll kick your ass.

There are slight adjustments to these rules when you’re in a group, especially if there are just two of you, and especially if it’s a romantic interest. Call Mr. KIA old-fashioned, but answering the phone and then holding a conversation when you’re sitting with someone else is just plain rude.

1. Don’t do it. But if you must….

2. Say something like, “I’m sorry, do you mind if I take this call?”

3. Keep it short.

4. If you can’t keep it short, excuse yourself from the table and hold your conversation in a less obvious place.

As for in the workplace, if you’re in a meeting:
1. Turn your ringer off.

2. If you absolutely must take a call, leave the room.

Does Mr. KIA consider the practice of hanging up after one ring so the other person will call you back (and thus shoulder the charges) bad manners? No. It’s tacky, but acceptable. After all, the other party doesn’t have to return your call.

Blazin’ Thumbs: SMS

You can get away with a bit more with SMS.

• SMS on the BTS or MRT: OK

• Restaurants (except for the really fancy ones that ban phones completely—good for them): OK

• Movie theaters: Not OK. It’s distracting to others, especially if your phone beeps everytime you press a button.

• Meetings (for work): Maybe.

• On a date (unless you’re trying to get rid of him): Never.

In Cyberspace

It’s bad manners to lie about yourself in emails, in chat rooms and in your profile on “networking” sites. If you’re asked something you don’t want to answer, then don’t answer.

Photoshopping your picture: OK to a certain degree (photo shops and studios do it all the time).

Posting a photo of someone else and pretending that it’s you: Not OK. That’s false advertising.

Posting a photo of yourself taken five or more years ago: Not OK. Same reason.

Doorway Etiquette

Here’s a little quiz for ya. What do you do when the elevator you’ve been waiting for arrives and the door opens?
a. Without making eye contact, I push my way through before people start exiting the elevator.

b. I stand directly in front and in the center of the doors and make the people who are exiting walk around me.

c. I patiently wait for those who are trying to exit the elevator to get out before I enter the elevator.

If you answered a or b, here’s what Mr. KIA concludes about you.

1. You’re an egomaniac. Basically you’re saying, “I am more important than everyone else, so get the hell out of my way.” You believe in survival of the fittest and you, obviously, are the fittest so you deserve to get that prime spot in the back corner or whatever.

2. You’re an idiot. You believe that by being a bully, you’ll arrive at your stop or floor faster. In fact, this slows things down, which is why the BTS and MRTA have put those stickers on the floor and why they have announcements reminding people to let passengers off first. The doors won’t shut in your face. You won’t get left behind.

On the BTS or MRT, make room for others by going all the way into the car. Again, those announcements are for a reason.

Do not lean on the poles as your sweaty body is preventing seven other peole around you from holding onto something.

Seat etiquette: If a seat becomes available while on public transportation, don’t just plant your fat ass in it without thinking about others. Here’s the hierarchy of who gets the seat: disabled people, monks, elderly people, little kids, women, and lastly men. (sorry, fellas). However, if you do get a seat and you see someone carrying something really heavy, Mr. KIA always admires the citizen who offers to hold the standing person’s package. It’s a thoughtful thing to do.

As for doors that swing open, it’s good manners to be aware if there is a person behind you and hold it just a bit so it doesn’t smack him in the face.

In the 21st Century, should a man hold a door open for a woman? Definitely. But a man should also hold a door open for a man; a woman should hold a door open for a man; and a woman should hold a door open for a woman. It’s about courtesy, not chivalry.

Modern Man on the Move

There’s no greater example of man’s inhumanity to man than during rush hour when it’s raining and the masses are fighting over cabs. It would be ideal if we had more taxi stands—if you can see one, you’re obliged to walk to it and wait in line. But they are few and far between, so here are Mr. KIA’s rules for hailing taxis. Assume you’ve come out of a venue and walked to the street and there is already someone else waiting for a cab

Do: If she is to the left of you (“down” the road) and less than 10 meters from you, wave the next taxi on so she can take it.

Don’t: If she is to the right of you (“up” the road), walk behind her and past her so you can grab the next taxi.

Remember Microbuses? Limited to 20 seats, air-conditioned, sane drivers—and all for B40! During rush hour they were often full, and as Mr. KIA flagged one down the conductor signaled that there was one seat left. It stopped in front of him, the driver opened the doors and just as his was about to raise his foot into the bus—bam!—from out of nowhere a tiny old woman body-checked Mr. KIA onto the asphalt. He was so shocked all he could do was laugh, and the driver assumed that this meant that he was free to drive off with that terrible woman in what should have been Mr. KIA’s seat.

In the Gym

1. Don’t sit on the damn equipment when you’re not using it.

2. Wipe your damn sweat of the equipment.

3. Rack your damn weights.

4. Don’t try to speak to Mr. KIA when he’s listening to his bitchin’ iPod mix.

Optional: Doing the put on/take off-your-underwear-while-wearing-a-towel thing.

Good manners: Wearing a towel when you’re walking around in the locker room.

Mr. KIA’s Rules For Email

To your mom or a client, write an email just as you would write a letter. That means:
1. Correct punctuation.

2. Capital letters. (How hard is it to press the shift key?)

3. Paragraphs or double spaces. (How hard is it to press the enter key?)

4. Salutation. (“Dear Mom…”)

5. Sign-off. (“Yours truly…”)

With your close friends, family members other than mom and work colleagues, you can relax a bit.
1. It’s not necessary to use a salutation or even post your name at the end (that’s what the signature function is for).

2. But not ALL CAPS or all lowercase.

3. Unless you’re 16, leave the emoticons and abbreviations (“LOL! ROTF!”) out.

Are you one of those people who emails 50 people with attached multimedia jokes, greeting cards with poems about friendship, or photos of that cute thing your dog did yesterday?
1. Stop it.

2. If you insist, ask them first: “Hey! Do you want me to send you 20 high-res pics of little Somchai taking his first dump?”

3. And for god’s sake, use BCC.

If you’re sending out emails to multiple recipients for work, you should always include a note somewhere in the email which gives the receiver a chance to be removed from your list by clicking on a link or replying with your choice of phrase in the subject field.

Who Pays?

In Thailand the traditional formula for figuring out who pays has always been (in order):
1. The guy pays.

2. The eldest pays.

3. The richest/most powerful (same thing) pays.

4. #2 and #3 can be swapped, but not #1 unless she is really #3.
But in the 21st Century, we’re a bit more progressive. (Please note that in the following examples, guy-girl can be king-queen, top-bottom, whatever. It doesn’t make a difference to Mr. KIA.) Assuming that both parties are from similar economic status:

On a date:
1. If the guy asks the girl out: He pays.

2. If the girl asks the guy out: He gets his wallet out, she offers to pay, he pays.

3. Once they get to know each other better, alternate.

On a business lunch/dinner:
1. The person with the higher position pays.

2. If they are equal, the person who requested the meeting pays.

3. If it just sort of happened, they split the bill.

Friendship is a bit different:
1. Split the bill equally—it doesn’t matter if she had 4 beers and you only had 2.

2. Spouses and gigs count. So you pay for yourself and her.

3. If at the end of the meal you order extra food to take home to your maid and driver, pay your share of the bill, then get a separate bill for the to go order.

You’re skint, but your friends want to go to a swanky place:
1. Tell your friends when you’re discussing where to go, not when the bill comes.

2. They will offer to pay.

3. You will suggest a cheaper alternative or offer to borrow some money.

4. They will both pay.

If one friend is considerably more wealthy than you:
1. He pays.

2. But you should always say, “You don’t need to do that, man.”

3. He will insist, and then you just say, “Thanks.”

4. If he doesn’t insist, you both pay.

Miscellaneous

• Greetings
Do you wai, shake hands, hug, kiss, air kiss, air kiss twice, air kiss thrice? It doesn’t matter. Just do something other than stand there and look foolish.

• Bringing Someone Along Whom Your Friends Don’t Know
1. Ask them if they mind beforehand.

2. Ask them again once you’re there.

3. If they mind, leave early.

• ATM Use
Multiple transactions are OK, but only if you have one card.

• You Run Into Someone While Your Headphones Are On
1. Close acquaintance: Take them off.

2. Casual acquaintance: Take off your headphones, say hello, put them back on.

• You’re Invited to Someone’s Home
1. It’s for a party: You must bring something.

2. It’s not a party: You still must bring something.

• Right of Way
Motorcycle on the sidewalk: You do not have to get out of his way—unless he’s a cop.

• Punctuality
It has always amazed Mr. KIA how “traffic” is acceptable as an excuse. It is even more amazing how it is still accepted as a valid excuse. The traffic is the same for all of us. Don’t be late.

• Queuing
1. Get in line.

2. If there isn’t a line, and the fruit vendor turns to you first even though you got there last, tell him it’s not your turn.

• Wrong Numbers
When you call someone, ask if you can speak to the person you’re calling. Asking “Who is this?” is bad manners.

If it’s a wrong number, you do not just hang up. Apologize first.

• Flying on Low-Cost Airlines That Do Not Have Assigned Seats
What the hell are you thinking?