Memo to All Staff, Kiasu Cronies Pte Ltd.

As you may have read in the news, the government is pumping renewed funding into the Work-Life Grant. Local companies like us can make up to $160,000 a year for encouraging work-life harmony among their employees. We’re going for it, so we need you guys to stop working all the time and get a life instead. Here is a list of new requirements employees shall adhere by until further notice.

1. Shut down your computer at 6pm sharp, even if the annoying overachiever in the next cubicle hasn’t. Overstaying will not be tolerated.

2. Leave work at the office. Do not take calls from the boss at dinner. Instead, do what normal people do: bicker passive aggressively, photograph your food meticulously and count your calories obsessively until all joy is sucked from the occasion. 

3. No more emails time stamped 2am are allowed. Playing on your phone in your darkened bedroom late at night infringes on sacred personal time which should be spent reading Buzzfeed, crying over Upworthy and avoiding pillow talk/sexual relations with your mate. 

4. Unused annual leave will not be carried forward—employees are encouraged to take more vacations to unplug from work completely and reconnect with your family. Choose a destination and itinerary based on what your friend did, make a list of photo ops before you even arrive and force your kids to pose just so as you live-Instagram every moment of your perfect vacation.

5. Employees are permitted to leave work early to take classes for their personal enrichment. However, we regret to inform you that our company will not reimburse your expenses on Lululemon outfits to keep up with the stylish women in your yoga class, or the fortune you wasted on language classes (only to find out that there are precisely zero hot French people taking French lessons).

6. As it serves no sporting purpose other than client/partner management, managers are no longer permitted to play golf on the weekends. You are required instead to pant and heave at treadmills like all the other gym rats.

Human Resources will be available to answer questions Fridays, 1-2pm. They’re working from home the rest of the week as part of their flexi-work arrangement.