It is me. The Holy One. Her Fantastic Furriness Lin Ping the Beautiful. And it is time for ye of little faith to be punished.

Oh it all started very well. You paid me respect, you gave me your huddled masses, you bowed to me and queued in the monsoon rain to witness my magnificent cuteness, you beamed me into your homes 24/7 with True TV, you watched me grow, eat and sleep.

And then you grew bored, as you Thai people do. You moved on. There was probably a new restaurant you needed to check out, or maybe a bar designed by some Australian sailor where naked trapeze artists feed you frozen cocktails by spitting them directly into your gaping maws.

We Pandas like to speak frankly: you disgust me. You have the concentration span of a six-month-old ostrich. No wonder your economy is in recession, your productivity down the tubes. “But we have no unemployment!” you moan. You know why? I shall answer with a question of my own: how many baby ostriches does it take to change a light bulb? Right, I’ll let you do the math on that one. (Tip: you may need to count on both your toes and fingers.)

Anyway, I’m out of here. Zai jian, Thailand. I’m going to find myself a proper Chinese husband, hardworking, good at Math, with a personal debt that isn’t three times his yearly income. Oh, I’m not bitter. I got plenty of proposals here! Mostly local bears who do nothing but sleep and eat sushi. And they wanted a go at me? Me! Ling Ping the Munificent! Ha ha ha. Right.

I do plan on coming back with my new hubbie, which means you have one year to get your act together, Thailand. If I’m not impressed upon my return, beware our wrath. The ASEAN Economic Community is coming and we could easily have you all replaced.

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