Thailand is on a fast track to modernity. And yet, for a few days every year, millions pile into buses and pickups, hundreds die in horrible road accidents, and one half of the nation gropes the other half’s breasts. It’s just not very civilized. As such, the Honorable Prime Minister-at-Large has Skyped us with his exclusive, six-point plan to modernize songKran™.
1. To finance the songKran™ modernization plan, the name will be copyrighted and sponsorship opportunities offered to the highest bidders. Currently approved for the bid are Coca-Cola, Singha, Chang and Est. (Sorry, Pepsi.) The Office of the Prime Minister must be listed as co-sponsor, with a smiling Yingluck on all songKran™ promotional material.
2. Thailand will lodge formal protests with UNESCO should Laos and Cambodia persist in celebrating songKran™, which is the unique cultural heritage of Thailand.
3. To avoid motorcycle accidents, and people falling out of the back of pick-ups, the eco-car scheme will be re-launched and expanded to include safe, solid German cars such as Audi, BMW and Mercedes Benz. In fact, peasants with pick-ups and motorcycles will be banned from the roads from Apr 13-17.
4. Water being full of microbes, only the splashing of bottled water (or soda) from a songKran™ sponsor brand will be allowed.
5. Displays of bare breasts must adhere to strict rules and regulations. Said breasts must be perfectly formed, as to avoid damaging Thailand’s reputation. The same applies to the male stomach area. Men must be able to perform 100 sit-ups in under two minutes to be granted permission to strip down to their Timo trunks. (200 sit-ups between Silom Soi 2 and Silom Soi 4.)
6. To enforce pedestrian safety, drinking will be banned at party hot spots, such as Khao San, Silom and RCA, where people are on foot. Everywhere else, including your gas station’s 7-Eleven, you are still welcome to get hammered, as we will assume you are safely seated within the confines of a rapidly moving vehicle.
Happy New Year everyone! Be safe and see you all in two weeks, on April 19. (No April 12 issue.)
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