Hi and welcome to our social media seminar on how to write news about the protests.

Rule #1. Don’t actually go to the protests. Any new media company knows that only idiots hire actual reporters. So just wait for Thai Rath or The Nation or some other old-school newspaper to send reporters and then you can copy their stories.

Rule #2. Pick a side, produce poorly researched one-sided garbage, and then ask for donations. The more biased and borderline crazy you are, the more money you’ll make.

Rule #3. Don’t show pictures of ugly people. The web is visual. Use Instagram to research only the hottest, best dressed protesters. Nobody wants to see some toothless rubber farmer as the poster child of their movement.

Rule #4. Write catchy headlines that just kind of trail off. Example: “We thought this was a camping site. But looking closer, we can’t even.”

Rule #5. Keep people updated every other second. Did a firecracker go off? Did someone say they thought they heard something? People have a right to know! Start spreading the news that civil war has broken out. You can always publish an update later.

Rule #6. No story is too small. Did a homeless farang accidentally wander into a protest site? Is there some great street food on site? Do whistles now come in the shape of Thailand or do they contain real nail clippings from Suthep? Report on it! It’ll matter to someone.

Rule #7. Do op-eds calling for calm and unity and some miraculous third party that will never come. Explain Thailand’s history for the umpteenth time like it was some great triumph of journalism to have counted how many coups we’ve had. Conclude with some vague, heartwarming hope for a better future.

Follow these top tips and we promise your web traffic will double OVERNIGHT. Then again, why would you even want to be in the new media biz when you could make B100,000 a day just selling red-white-and-blue headbands?

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