Bearers of Thai passports should soon be able to go to Japan without getting a visa. That announcement has Deputy Prime Minister, Minister of Foreign Affairs Surapong Tovichakchaikul very worried  we’ll all prey on the aging island nation’s kindness and move there illegally. He is, of course, absolutely right.

You see, we just can’t take it here anymore. We’re tired of being threatened by hotel managers that they’ll fire all their Thai staff and hire Burmese instead if we don’t seriously improve our Engrish. We’re tired of Australian chefs doing the World’s Best Thai Food. And we’re tired of white people liking molam so goddamn much! We just don’t feel like we belong here anymore.

In Japan, on the other hand, we’ll be welcomed with open arms. The Japanese will be charmed by our inability to communicate. Our natural politeness, eagerness to please and love of elaborate rituals will allow us to fit right in. Our inability to challenge authority or question our superiors will finally be identified as a big plus. And we will out-bow the locals if we have to, even if it means sprawling on the floor to share a cupcake with a cute Shiba Inu.

Meanwhile, as Thais repopulate Japan (whose aging population could do with some new blood), we will leave Thailand to those who really love it. Feel free, oh global hotel chains, to staff your hotels with Cambodians while we learn to to shuffle about on our knees in a full kimono. You’re welcome, dear auto manufacturers, to build more factories in flood-prone areas and staff them with Laotians while we don white gloves to chauffeur your CEOs through the streets of Tokyo. Yes, musical has-beens from the 90s, do come rock a crowd of Burmese teens at Siam while we spin our ethnic funk for Osaka’s hipsters.

Cuz, like Surapong said, we’re leaving and we’re never coming back. Thailand is all yours. Enjoy.
 

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