Never have we looked forward to the weekend quite this much. The yuck-factor of this week’s parliamentary debates was just too much. We can’t unsee it all, but we can at least drink ourselves numb.

First, there’s the barrage of porn on the front pages of Thai Rath courtesy of our distinguished members of parliament. We’re sure its quality XXX stuff to begin with, but it’s shot with telephoto lenses off of tiny Apple devices (guys, switch to Samsung, seriously), then it’s pixelated for decency’s sake, and finally it’s printed on grayish newspri. It’s like finally finding your uncle’s VCD stash but the discs are all glued together by some unknown substance and they keep freezing and skipping. Frustrating.

And then there are the fights. Our MPs produce the worst, most embarrassing, plain ridiculous sissy tiffs. Roundhouse kicks that connect with absolutely nothing, producing a kind of Channing Tatum-in-Magic Mike choreography, only if Tatum were played by balding, pot-bellied men. Flailing drunken kung fu directed at middle-aged police officers who are not allowed to hit back. Grappling that looks more like groping on prom night. Fights in the Thai parliament are the fugly love child of Andre the Giant and Adam Sandler.

The parliamentary debates are so awful, actually, that even the MPs can’t be bothered to show up unless they’re threatened by their own party. And what threats: meetings will be held, harshly worded reprimands will be spoken, Yaowapa Wongsawat will deliver spankings and pout with her heart-shaped, ever-so-slightly glossed lips (OK, that last one is a little scary).

What really gets to us, though, is the depressing futility of it all. Sure, we’re not happy with Pheu Thai ramming their big, uncut charter reform down our throats, but it beats seeing the democrats get raped again and again and again. We’re glad Korn and Abhisit have been instructed in defining boundaries: “No, Yingluck. No means no. No, I mean it, Yingluck. I said no! No! OK, are you done yet?” But clearly it’s time they graduate to self-defense classes and pepper spray, because we’re starting to wonder if they’re not actually enjoying this all a bit too much.

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