Wine Bistro is a soulless product that has combined every tired trend into one place. Its name unites 2011’s top two dining buzz words; its clipboard menu compiles all the trendiest dishes (think Salt, Hyde & Seek, Minibar Royale—down to the graphic design); and its décor aggregates a walk-in cellar, a lofty space and dark, “industrial chic” details. The result is rather handsome, but Wine Bistro fails to deliver on both the wine and the bistro front. The waiters have zero understanding of even the most basic things about wine (or anything else, really), so that every question causes them to disappear either for good or for a good few minutes. If they return, the answer is invariably, “Sorry, we don’t have that.” Meaning no desserts, no wine list and no idea of what the wines by the glass (B220) are apart from their country of origin. We’ve seen this kind of faux wine focus before at just about every other place that opened in the past 12 months with the word “wine” in its name. But Wine Bistro’s food is particularly shocking, even compared with its cookie-cutter bistro brethren. Anything more complicated than broiling some processed cheese on spinach (B120) or putting three slivers of parmesan on some rocket salad (B180) is an unmitigated disaster. The ribs are the toughest we’ve ever had (B295). And while sometimes that can be a sign of lengthy, careful smoking, these also happen to be completely flavorless. The same could be said of the rosemary-rubbed roast chicken (B275), whose flesh is a water-logged, fibrous, undercooked nightmare and whose outside hasn’t the slightest crisp. Dishes also arrive so staggered that diners eat in turns, like in a relay race. You could argue the point here is to drink an affordable bottle of vino while sharing some cheese nachos or a pizza, but the selection of wines is pretty dull. Clearly, what you’re really meant to do is get the B999 wine buffet (all you can drink from 6pm-midnight) and get too wasted to care.