Redacted draft of a letter intercepted on a bumboat somewhere off the coast of Changi, April 2013

Dear Resident,

We, the Office for Relocation, Fiendishness and Utter Lunacy (ORFUL), are sending you this letter to reassure you that, contrary to recent reports in the press, under no circumstances will you be forced to leave your sorry excuse for a home on the backward, wild pig-infested island of Pulau Ubin.

We accept that our earlier firebombing campaign and census survey could have been more tactful. We have absolutely zero intention of ever actually visiting this dengue nest or making you give up your countryside idyll, though we will shortly commence an all-out invasion and charging you rent for your idiocy and intransigence. Although we have set the monthly fee somewhere between what we ourselves pay for a latte and our daily cab ride home from the office, a.k.a. $6 and $35, we know that this may negatively impact some or more likely all of you. To which we say: Good riddance! Sorry.

None of you, however, will be subject to construction noise as we categorically have no plans this week to build an adventure park on the island; and besides, let’s face it, you’re all so old you probably won’t hear it anyway.

We are, in fact, determined to retain Ubin as our last ditch defence in the event of ground war with Malaysia and sole remaining true wilderness, given that plans to flatten Mandai are already well under way and for some inexplicable reason people like to visit the island on weekends.

To ensure there are no further nasty surprises, we will be tracking and tagging every last one of you dirty, feral creatures and issuing you with Temporary Occupational Licenses. These can be collected in early May from inside the giant cage we have installed in Marina Bay.

We thank you for your understanding and look forward to being of continued service.

Yours in disease and harmony.