Dress to Kill

1. Flower-printed shirt. It’s all about the floral look, but you’re going to get wet, so make it cheap at Tesco Lotus.

2. Shorts. Ever tried walking in soaked jeans in 40-degree heat? Skip the nappy rash with these skimpy stripy print shorts, from Billabong.

3. Hat. Add a touch of khun nuu to your look with this wide brimmed number. Get them at Chatuchak Market.

4. Changdao Flip Flops. Brazil has the Havaianas; we have the Changdao (or elephant flip flops). It’s Songkran: be Thai and be proud. Added bonus: they only cost around USD$1 and are available at every mom and pop store in town.

5. Cheap Shades. Things can get pretty wild out on the streets so don’t risk your Yves-Saint Laurent shades and go discount instead­—just don’t look at the sun. USD$1.60 at Saladaeng Market (Soi Saladaeng, Silom Rd. BTS Saladaeng).

6. Messenger Bag. Songkran is all about energy, so opt for vibrant colors with this Fendi multi-color monogrammed affair. USD$920 at Fendi, G/F, The Emporium.

7. Rubber shoes. Rubber shoes might be sensible but you don’t have to stand for common old Crocs­—their leopard print collection looks much more posh.

8. Sexy Bikinis. You’re going to get wet so why not see it as an excuse to show off your assets to the boys. Billabong bikinis.

9. Thongs. OK boys, this is for when your linen trousers go completely see through. Aussiebum, From This Shop for Men (C34, Silom City Walk, Silom Rd., 02-632-6363. BTS Saladaeng).

10. Color Watches. Keep a grip on reality by keeping a track of time with these colorful and waterproof watches.

11. Rubber Boots. Recreate the innocent fun of splashing in puddles and keeping your feet dry with these cutesy wellies. Get them from Paul Frank (1/F, Siam Center, Ram 1 Rd. 02-658-1736. BTS Siam).

12. Fisherman’s Pants. Easy to put on and pull off, make sure you blend in with the backpackers with a pair of these pants.

Lock and Load

13. Super Soakers. More than a gun, these are the mothers of all squirting machines. USD$0.80 each at Tesco Lotus.

14. Goggles. OK, you might look like an idiot but at least you won’t get an eye infection when hit with a face full of klong water. USD$2 at Daiso (2/F, Thaniya Plaza, Silom Rd., 02-632-6671. BTS Saladaeng).

15. Water bucket. Fill it with water, throw water, repeat.

16. Ocean Pack. Make sure it’s just you that gets wet and not your BlackBerry and LV wallet with a waterproof dive bag. Get them at SuperSports.

17. Condoms. Who knows where all that fondling can lead. Durex, in various flavors, from B30. Or superslim 0.03mm Japanese condoms, at www.condomthai.com.

18. Pepper Spray. There are times when no more water means no more water, and if they still don’t get it, then give them a face full of mace. www.thaibodyguard.com.

19. Sun Screen. April is the hottest month and all that water just makes those rays even stronger. Keep your skin protected with some high factor sun cream: Clinique SunSmart SPF50, 50ml, (1/F., Zen, CentralWorld). Derma Active Sun Glasses SPF50, 30g, (3/F, The Emporium). Eucerin Sun Fluid SPF50, 50ml. Payot Benefice Soleil Anti-Ageing Protective Cream SPF30, 50ml, (1/F, Zen, CentralWorld).

20. Waterproof Camera. Record the moment without fusing the lens with this Olympus Miu Tough 600 available in four colors.

21. Bring your own water. It’s hot out there so kill your thirst or, at least, have a reserve supply to chuck over somebody.

BattleZones

22. Fondle white people. Those big-breasted Swedish backpackers are in Khao San. Go get ‘em, boys!

23. If you don’t fancy getting felt up by braided bearded types then why not try Silom instead. The events are more impromptu but here’s hoping that the fire service are on hand to douse the crowds like last year.

24. For those who don’t want the celebrations to cramp their club going, then RCA is the spot to head. Check out Route 66 for four days of Songkran-inspired parties.

25. Shopping, music and water what better way to spend your Songkran? Head down to CentralWorld for their Splashy Songkran party. Or wait until after dark and head down for a more adult (and masculine) affair with the gCircuit SK3 party.

Play it Safe

26. Get a Breathalyzer. Too late to win one in our giveaway but you can still buy one at Thai Asia Pacific Brewery (111 Moo 2, Bangbuathong-Suphanburi Rd., Sai Noi, Nonthaburi, 02-985-5001/-3) but only after you take their brewery tour.

27. Get a driver. All the cabbies will be back in their hometown and you’re too drunk to drive. Limousine Express (02-651-0808, www.limousinethailand.com) offers cars with drivers for USD$99 a day.

28. Know the Law. BK asked Sub. Lt. Pansiri Sreesawad from Chanasongkram Police Station (Khao San Rd.) for some tips to staying safe and legal this festival.

• “Powder is not allowed in Khaosan but it is impossible to put all the users into jail. So if things don’t get too outrageous, we compromise.”
• “Don’t bring too much cash, and beware of those tricky pickpockets, prostitutes and ladyboys. Don’t leave your drink unattended and never, ever, accept drinks from strangers­—unless you like the look of them.”

29. Wear a helmet. You might not be drinking and driving but there’s no guarantee that the crazy guy wearing a bra on the motorbike that’s veering towards you hasn’t.

30. Waterproof Eyeliner. You don’t want to look like a panda so try this MAC water resistant eye liner (aqua blue and violet).

31. Lip Balm. Dirty water, boiling sun—make sure your lips are kept protected and hydrated courtesy of Bhesaj or Kielh’s.

Medic!

32. Save your skin. Cleanse your skin of annoying grey powder and grubby finger prints with Madam Heng (yes, original Thai is the best), at Madame Heng (2/F, Thaniya Plaza, 02-559-3612). Got some dough? The True Riviera treatment at True Spa (Zen, CentralWorld, 02-684-8999) treats you with coconut oil to rejuvenate dehydrated skin.

33. Prickly Heat. The magic powder that has been an original heat-beater for decades.

34. Save your hair. Get the crap out of your hair with this “deep nourish” shampoo and conditioner from Asience.

35. Save your face. Three days of revelry can be a punishing business. Fortunately Apex Profound Beauty (Sukhumvit 39, 02-662-6018/-9) offers a complete after-Songkran treatment that starts with exfoliating the dead skin cells with Diamond Treatment, followed by Tri-Fusion to absorb vitamins and ends with a brightening mask.

36. Save your hair (advanced). At Salon de BKK (2/F, The Emporium, 02-624-8880), the hair detox program is specially tailor-made for each customer, reservation is recommended.

37. Save your Family. For when uncle gets too drunk and falls into the BBQ.

Spirited Relief

38. Procession of Phra Puttha Sihing. The highly revered Buddha image heads out of the temple and through the streets of Bangkok allowing the local community to pay their respects.

39. Nang Loy Thai perfumed water. One whiff and you’ll be overwhelmed with nostalgia for traditional Songkran.

40. Connect with God. When it comes to Songkran celebrations in town, you can’t miss out on a temple festival. Head to the biggest at Wat Pho (Chetuphon Rd., 02-226-0335, www.watpho.com) where, as well as the bathing of Buddha, you can enjoy plenty of Thai food and desserts.

41. Follow the Eastern Songkran pilgrimage (and live to tell the tale). Chonburi: Ritual bathing of Phra Puttha Sihing and shopping for OTOP products at the Red Cross Fair. Bang Saen: Kilometers of traffic jammed pick-ups and baan-baan dek waen. Pattaya: Outrageous water fights along beach road with drunk farangs and sexy ladyboys, especially on Wan Lai, the last day of the festival.

42. Get a lesson in the history and traditions behind the festivities by watching the Grand Songkran Legend a light-and-sound show that takes place daily at the Southern section of Sanam Luang.

Hunker Down

43. Dine Out at Home. You don’t cook. And there’s absolutely no way you’re stepping out the front door. Take the coward’s way out with a choice of delivery services. Chef’s XP (02-204-2001, www.chefsxp.com) and Food by Phone (02-663-4663, www.foodbyphone.com) top the list for choice offering dishes from over a hundred restaurants.

44. Fast and Dirty. Alternatively, stock up on comfort fast food with this choice of fat-friendly takeaway joints that deliver:

• McDonald’s, burgers, 1711, www.macthai.co.th
• KFC, fried chicken, 1150, www.kfc.co.th
• Chester’s Grill, grilled chicken, 1145, www.chestersgrill.co.th
• The Pizza Company, pizza, 1112, www.pizza.co.th
• Pizza Hut, pizza, 1150, www.pizzahut.co.th

45. Go psychotic. Go Grand Theft Auto and keep revellers at bay with this indispensable accessory for those with Songkran allergy—a baseball bat. For extra oomph, get the aluminum one from USD$15 at www.happyhobbycenter.com.

46. Skate. You want to stay cool but there’s no way you’re getting near the wet stuff—why not try the frozen version with a spot of Ice Skating at Sub Zero Ice Skate (Esplanade, Ratchadapisek Rd., 02-354-2134, www.subzeroiceskateclub.com, MRT Thailand Cultural Center).

47. Read! A few days spent locked in your flat is the perfect excuse to catch up on all that reading. So head to Kinokuniya (3/F, The Emporium, 02-664-8554), their top sellers are Stephanie Meyer’s Twilight series and Confessions of a shopaholic by Sophie Kinsellla. But, we know you have more taste than that, so go for What I Talk About When I Talk About Running by Haruki Murakami, or Moon by Sputnik and Lyka.

48. DVD-thon. If you are like most Thais and would rather poke your own eyes out than read a book then get some DVDs instead. Jedimusic.com will actually deliver to your door so you don’t have to brave the baying mob but it’s by post. For instant delivery, try Food by Phone (see #43).

49. Surf. OK, you don’t wanna get wet but you want to pay your respects. Simple log in to www.songkran.net, hosted by the Tourism Authority of Thailand, where you can find ways to pay respect to the Buddha image, send e-cards, free birds and fishes and even splash water online.

50. Plunge. If you are complete agoraphobic but want to get wet then why not have a pool party in your front room. Just push back the sofa and jump in this paddling pool from USD$6.70 at Tesco Lotus.

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Essentials

CENTRAL WORLD
Ratchadamri Rd., 02-640-7000.
BTS Ploen Chit.

SUPERSPORTS
Try 3/F, CentralWorld, 02-646-1318.

POWERBUY
Try 4/F, CentralWorld, 02-646-1222.

THE EMPORIUM
Sukhumvit Soi 24, 02-269-1000.
BTS Phrom Phong.

TESCO LOTUS
More than 100 stores nationwide (www.tescolotus.com).
Try Tesco Lotus Rama 4, Klongtoey, 02-672-8585/-90.

TOPS
More than 100 stores nationwide (www.tops.co.th).
Silom Branch, 2 Silom Rd, 02-632-7525.
BTS Sala Daeng.

BILLABONG
Try 2/F, Siam Center, 02-658-1068.
BTS Siam.