Last week, the Education Ministry reported that 2/3 of all primary and secondary schools nationwide have failed to meet the minimum requirements in their educational standards assesment, a periodic test of the quality of education in our schools. The Bangkok Post quoted the director of the Ministry’s Office of Academic Accreditation as saying the schools’ “education quality is tantamount to being in a coma. They need urgent improvements.”Upon hearing this dismaying news, BK sent in a spy into the Ministry’s top-secret meetings and jotted down a list of the improvements under consideration for the nations’ schools. Here’s a selection of them.• Regulation cheat sheets upgraded to A4 size.• Substitute teachers must have completed the grade they are teaching.• All teachers’ lounge pubs will be closed during school hours, except at lunch time.• All AF2 auditions on school grounds are officially suspended until further notice.• Cancel 1:30pm, 2:00pm, 2:15pm and 2:45pm kanom breaks.• Cartoon Network quizzes suspended indefintely.• “Beauty Pageant Mangement 101” no longer part of required state curriculum.• When copying homework, students will be encouraged to verify answers with more than one source.• Criminal background checks now mandatory on all foreign English teachers.• No more field trips to Khao Yai wineries.• Teachers accepting bribes may only raise a student’s test scores by half a grade level.• Members of the Whiskey Tasting Club no longer allowed to miss the first two periods of the day.• “Cultural Studies 301” classes will no longer involve field trips to local snooker halls.• Students scoring exceptionally high on tests will now be given detention for wrecking the grade curve.