This week, the little‑known Ministry for the Promotion of Emotion announced some updates to their guidelines, in light of Singapore’s world‑last ranking in a survey measuring which countries are most comfortable displaying  their feelings. Here’s what they had to say.

1) From January 2013, the requirement to give your employer two weeks’ notice of your intention to laugh will be reduced to a mere 13 days.

2) After careful consideration, the Ministry has been persuaded that frustration is a legitimate expression of the human condition and shall be added to the list of permitted emotions (other than for contractors from mainland China). 

3) We would remind citizens that any display of a negative emotion (such as that in (2) above) must be counterbalanced by the expression of at least two positive emotions in the same 24 hour period.

4) The mandatory death penalty for trafficking in illegal emotions is to be relaxed. Although grief will remain a capital offence, small amounts of sadness will henceforth be punishable only by sentences of 10‑20 years.

5) Excess displays of anger at the unavailability of cabs on weekends and public holidays are decriminalized with immediate effect.  

6) While our jurisdiction does not extend to so‑called “emoticons” we recommend steps be taken to curb their use. This has nothing to do with promoting certain values; we just find them really, really annoying. 

7) Amusement shall be presented on a “demonstration” basis at the 2013 Singapore Emotional Summit. Interested parties must submit their views in emotionally‑neutral writing by December 31.

8) We acknowledge that the staffing of our public bodies with Vulcans has had mixed results; and are considering an affirmative action policy to help humans regain some ground.