Dear Sexpert, I have these two friends, Film and Anne, and they’re using the natural contraception method. My other friend, Hia Hor, claims they are/were actually in an open relationship. Is that risky? What’s natural contraception? Does it involve being bi?—Worried ‘Bout my BuddiesDear WBMY, There are a lot of nasty diseases out there and if you’re going to screw half the town—or screw someone who has—you really need to do it with more protection than just good Catholic timing. Delaying your ejaculations can be achieved by one of two ways: by practicing yoga for years or by having too much whisky soda. Your call, but it won’t scare off crabs. As for the bi thing, that’s up to you, but you really don’t have to be bi to be a slut.Dear Sexpert, I was really close to this guy, let’s call him Sondhi, and he introduced me to this other guy, let’s call him Mark. Now Sondhi has kind of declared war on Mark and is calling me a traitor for hanging out with him. Woah! It’s not like we were married. And it’s not like I’m actually doing Mark. Do you think he has a man-crush on me? What’s his deal?—Khun K.Dear Khun K, If you don’t want to get caught one day with your pants down in the toilets at Victory Monument, you need to seriously address this bromantic triangle. It’s OK to be gay; it’s not OK to be in denial. That’s how self-hatred happens—penis-envy, pissing contests, flexing in the mirror—and before you know it you have an international border dispute over a bunch of rocks. Tell Sondhi that even though you’re really crushing on Mark, the two of you can still be friends. If that doesn’t work, block his account on Grindr.Dear Sexpert, I’m an OB-GYN and I’ve performed 2,000 illegal abortions. While I feel that I’m actually empowering women by offering abortions, I also feel kind of bad for driving a BMW and living the high life while the undertaker who got rid of the fetuses for me spends the rest of his life—and dies—in jail. I’m so depressed I’ve lost all my libido. Should I change specializations and go into plastic surgery?—Stressed Out DocDear SOD, The problem is not that you’re free (and rich); the problem is that abortion is illegal. Maybe you could create a union of pro-choice doctors and picket government house? Just kidding. Chinese New Year is no time to embarass your family with human rights causes. Stop reading the papers, take mom on a nine-temple tour, and I guarantee your karma and erections should return to normal.