Under the Emergency Decree Act, BK Magazine is hereby ordered to run this important announcement from General Shinymedaltri Notthatideservethem:“Dear Bangkokians, now that we’re rid of Type 4 gender benders in the army it’s time to set the general population straight—starting right here, in the capital. This country’s going down the tubes and you pampered prima donnas prancing about in your minis need to seriously man up.First, Songkran is here and that means a few hundred road casualties. So what? You know how many guys we lose in our live firing exercises? Well, that’s classified, but shit happens. Only liberal homos think road casualties are “boohoo, unacceptable.” In fact, reducing Songkran casualties is just the kind of tootsie idea from the boys in brown that makes me question their devotion to the flag (like I need more proof). I’ll tell ya what. Piling drunk into the back of a pickup with an equally drunk driver is about as great an affirmation of Thainess as I can think of, short of planting flagpoles along the Cambodian border.It’s interesting to see what does get your combative spirit erect, dear castrated urbanites. When a tsunami is followed by a nuclear meltdown, you bravely go on Facebook to tell the Japanese to “fighto.” Have you ever tried bombing the shit out of a natural disaster? (We did. Doesn’t work.) But when the South gets flooded, you’re all like, “Oh, what bad luck.” Just like drunk drivers, right? Bad luck. Not, “We should stop chopping down the Kingdom’s forests!” Or the “Navy should get rescue helicopters instead of antique submarines!” Not even a single, “Fight!” No, when the shit goes down at home, citydwellers’ balls shrink to the size of tamarind pods.It’s OK. The army knows you don’t really care. As long as you can get an iPad2 and post pics of yourself handing over your donated water, you’re pretty happy, right? Maybe Naresuan 3 sucked (we were forced to watch it twice here at HQ) but at least it’s a reminder that this country used to have a bit of fighting spirit. Next time you tell someone else to fighto, picture yourself on an elephant in a loincloth holding a sword. And if that mental image seems off, then maybe you deserve to have us generals running the show. Or at least to watch Naresuan 3.”If you do want to help down South, visit www.tiny.cc/southfloodTH