The war in the South really is a huge mystery to all who report on it. There are plenty of Muslims in the army, the South voted overwhelmingly for the 2007 constitution and we Bangkokians really love their funny hats and spicy food. Here, we speak to a professor from Thammalongkorn (Silom Campus) to find out more.Ajarn Siriporn Boonsirimongkolsiriporn, why are Southern gangsters blowing stuff up?It’s not political. Granted, Bangkok has Terminal 21 and Mega Bangna, and all Hat Yai has is stinky sataw beans. But Ubon Ratchatani doesn’t have an Ikea or H&M and you don’t see people there blowing things up. At least not that often.Why don’t we give special status to the three Southernmost provinces, like Pattaya and Bangkok?To get this status, you need three things: caucasian tourists, massive sewage problems and really annoying tuk-tuk drivers. So Phuket is clearly next in line to get special status before Pattani.Shouldn’t Southerners be allowed to study Malay, Arabic or whatever those squiggly lines are?Yes, absolutely, but only if it’s taught using Thai script. In fact, this weekend we’ll host a symposium on “Writing ASEAN languages in Thai to prepare for the AEC.” Trust me, it’s just the best way for Thai people to communicate with one another in a foreign language.Is it true that the Southern gangsters are funded by tom yam kung restaurants in Malaysia?Oh, definitely. Pad Thai restaurants in Los Angeles fund the Red Shirts, while tom yam kung restaurants in Malaysia fund the separatists. The government should ban the export of shrimps and lemon grass.Have you ever been to the Southernmost provinces? Any travel tips?I went to a resort in Koh Tao once, a near-South experience. The staff were Burmese and the Rohingya are Muslim, you know—not too mention dark skinned. They’re lovely people who, if you speak slowly and loudly, can understand basic Thai pretty well.Well thank you, Ajarn. Heading to Koh Tao and ordering mojitos from Burmese staff does sound like a great way to show our support for our Southern Muslim brothers. And hopefully we can all learn to get along.