It’s the end of the world as we know it… and we feel fine (possibly because R.E.M. aren’t nearly as big now as when they wrote that song). But if the Mayan Apocalypse really does hit this week, how can we here in Singapore increase our chances of survival?

1) To dodge any oncoming tidal waves the entire population should gather atop the Sands SkyPark at Marina Bay Sands. Ku Dé Ta to get with the program and relax their dresscode until the nuclear winter has passed.

2) The best thing to stockpile in your hermetically sealed safe room? Tinned food. Second best? Single-estate, artisanal coffee from Toby’s Estate*.

3) Potential partners will be scarce in the post-apocalyptic wasteland, but with our impossibly demanding expectations, you’ll still need a fly haircut if you fancy yourself the next Adam or Eve. Ladies, you’ll want to keep those bangs out of your eyes to avoid tripping over all the corpses.

4) Plan your journey home now. MRT lines may be somewhat overcrowded, so treat yourself to a taxi! Note that a surcharge of 45,000% will apply between now and the end of days. But hey, it’s still cheaper than a ride home from the CBD during peak hours.

5) Disease will be rife, and there’s very little you can do to protect yourself. But on the plus side, infinite MC!

* Sponsored by Toby’s Estate. Mmmmm, single-estate, artisanal coffee.