It’s OK, Singapore. You’re pushing 50 now. No one expects you to find things as easy as you once did. Nothing seems as good as it did back when you were young. Prices seem so much higher. Kids so much more troublesome. It’s no surprise you’re looking a little frazzled.

True, you’ve done a pretty awesome job of hiding those depressing signs of age. That nip/tuck work you had done around Marina Bay is a marvel. You could pass for 47 in a heartbeat (and a dimly-lit room). But when even your Prime Minister is moved to say “don’t worry” half a dozen times in his National Day Rally Speech, you know the writing’s on the wall. And before you know it, you’ll be overlooked in favor of some young, fresh-faced upstart of a nation as the world’s favored model of over-achievement. Step back Singapore, South Sudan is here, and she’s only two years old.

It’s time for some drastic measures, then. There’s not a whole lot you can do to stop the ageing process; all the chicken essence in the world ain’t going to help you now. Severing the Causeway and drifting down to Antarctica, where those cryogenic temperatures might keep you looking young for a few more decades yet, is just delaying the inevitable. So maybe it’s time to embrace the good things about getting older.

For one, you no longer have to care about what people think. What’s that you say? You never really did anyway? Oh, well how about basking in all the wealth you’ve accumulated over your career? Huh? You’ve been doing that for a long time already? OK, well at least now you can look forward to a life not dictated by your hormones and sex drive. Sorry? You never had much of one in the first place? Oh, forget it then! It’s all downhill from here.