“It’s never quite clear what the relationship between Jack and Angelica is. Sometimes it’s love, sometimes it’s hate; it probably depended on who was writing the script that day.” Tom Long, Detroit News

“This installment is better than the last two, in the way that a broken leg is better than a punctured lung.” Jim Lane, Sacramento News & Review

“Depp, grimacing, edges in and out of the action and seems irrelevant and bored most of the time.” David Denby, New Yorker

“Marshall deserves props for putting the ‘show’ back into the Pirates business. But face it, he’s polishing a giant turd.” Peter Travers, Rolling Stone

“Cutlasses flash, music swells, mast sways, critic yawns.” Kyle Smith, New York Post

You may think I’m a little nutty. But when it comes to raising my two sons, Dylan and Cooper, I push them relentlessly. I expect nothing less than perfection. How do I do it? Well, I’ll tell you. I’m a Tiger Dad.

For instance, here are some things Dylan and Cooper have never been allowed to do:

• Ask strangers for directions
• Use a hand tool when a power tool will do
• Overachieve
• Complain about not overachieving
• Leave a birthday before the party bags come out
• Let extra-curricular activities interfere with live sports programming
• Attend a sleepover without packing an Ambien
• Get any grade that begins with a vowel
• Forget that it’s not whether you win or lose, it’s whether you get the T-shirt

I use the term “perfection” loosely. I don’t mean it in that psyched-up, supercharged, overzealous, every-hair-in-place kind of way. I mean it in the guy way.

After all, underachieving is just as important as overachieving. Even some of our great heroes were underachievers. Think of Albert Einstein failing his college entrance exam. Michael Jordon getting cut from his high school basketball team. Charlie Sheen before “Two and a Half Men.”

My son Dylan is just like his mother. Disciplined. Respectful. The kind of kid who always shouts a warning before shooting you in the head with a Nerf dart. Cooper is more like me. Headstrong. Argumentative. He’ll come up with 20 reasons why he can’t take a bath when really just one is enough.

I teach my kids to question society’s expectations of men today. If we’re breadwinners, promise-keepers and life-partners, when does that leave time to read the instructions for our GPS-enabled ski goggles? And how can fathers be accused of being distant from their families when the remote control only goes 10 feet?

I told Dylan and Cooper that instead of striving for a few short years of glory as a high school jock, they should learn an instrument and get a lifetime of enjoyment from it.

For Dylan, it was the vuvuzela. And now, there he is, every sporting event under the sun – baseball, football, women’s mud wrestling – blowing the vuvuzela for all he’s worth. People are astonished by his technique at such an early age. I make sure he practices hours each day so he can eventually master the vuvuzela while holding a beer and doing the Mexican wave.

Cooper was drawn to air guitar. Believing that he should get a foundation in the classics, I started him on Jimi Hendrix and the Ventures. We found a terrific teacher, Count Orloffski, who taught the Tom Cruise method. This brought Cooper up to a whole new level. Soon he was playing Van Halen and Slash with a depth and beauty that brought tears to even Orloffski’s jaded eyes.

Tiger Dads have to be vigilant, and never miss a teaching moment. The other day we were ordering burgers when the lady asked if I wanted extra cheese. “Extra cheese?” I shot back. “Extra cheese is not extra. It’s my god-given right to have all the cheese that could possibly fit on a bun.” Conscious of the impression this was making on Dylan and Cooper I also asked for extra pickles and relish so all food groups would be represented.

Am I pushing too hard? Maybe. But it’s dog eat dog and they need to know how to survive what life is going to throw at them: corporate paintball, unfortunate neckties, C-SPAN. Besides, I want my kids to develop their own appreciation for perfection. The perfect martini, the perfect inning, the perfect excuse to hit the snooze button. I’m a Tiger Dad. Hear me roar. Grrr.

“One of the most uninspired and unoriginal sequels you’ll ever see. Or not see, if you’re lucky.” Richard Roeper, richardroeper.com

“Alas, this time there are about three or four mild laughs in the whole picture, and the entire visual aspect of the movie is a botched disappointment.” Mick LaSalle, San Francisco Chronicle

“Somebody must have roofied me. I left The Hangover Part II feeling dazed and abused, wondering how bad things happened to such a good comedy.” Peter Travers, Rolling Stone

“Maybe what goes on in Vegas really should stay in Vegas.” Tom Long, Detroit News

“If you want to avoid plot spoilers for The Hangover Part II, don’t watch The Hangover.” Eric D. Snider, Film.com

“Part II is everything the first movie was, and less. It’s crucially missing laughs and intelligence.” Peter Howell, Toronto Star

”If The Hangover gave you hope for Hollywood­—yup, there is some creativity and boldness left­—The Hangover Part II­­ sinks it. Henry Fitzherbert, Daily Express

Dad came to Shanghai last year. His epic voyage east was part of a China business trip, which happily coincided with the October holiday. I had been living in Shanghai for a year by then, and it was his first trip out to see me. I offered him the spare room in my apartment, but he insisted on staying in a youth hostel. He’s not short of a penny or two, so I’m unsure exactly why he didn’t splash out on something fancier. But anyway. More about the hostel in a later episode.

He didn’t exactly fall in love with China. My father is a man of few words and measured sentiment, observing much but commenting little. I like that about him, but it doesn’t sit well with the Shanghainese idea of how a British tourist should be. His white beard and general roundness make people think that he’s some sort of amiable Santa Claus figure, when in fact he’s more Ebenezer Scrooge with a flea in his ear. When manhandled into posing for a photograph on the Bund with some cheerful students, Dad made a face like a cat’s bum and stood, rigid, as they swarmed around him, grinning and posing with V-signs.

“Father Christmaaas!” the students yelled jovially, as Dad passed through silent circles of personal hell, nudging the more persistent kids away with his elbows. I should have stepped in sooner. Before I knew it, every child and teenager within twenty meters of us on the Bund (i.e. around three thousand) had gathered around Dad, yelling “Santa Claus” and scrambling to find their cameras. Soon I couldn’t even see him in the melee. All I could do was watch helplessly as he jostled his way out of the crowd.

They weren’t going to let him get away that easily. I pulled him away from the scrum and we broke into a run, followed by a (thankfully) ever-thinning straggle of Chinese children. The cries of “Santa” diminished as we made our way onto Nanjing Dong Lu.

“I hate this place,” Dad huffed as we slowed to a walk. “I need a drink.”
 

“The lamest screen ‘twist’ since M. Night Shyamalan’s The Village.” Calum Waddell, SFX Magazine

“In the wake of Martin Scorsese’s recent movie about almost exactly the same thing, it’s tempting to rename this one Sh*tter Island.” Robbie Collin, News of the World

”Another misfire from Carpenter. Could this be his third and final strike?” Conor Mills, Little White Lies

“It soon becomes difficult to even care if the poor lass lives or dies.” Calum Waddel, Total Sci-fi Online

“It does appear as though the once-reliable filmmaker has lost his way in a seemingly insurmountable manner.” David Nusair, Reel Film Reviews

“It’s tempting to call Big Mommas: Like Father, Like Son a huge waste of talent, but considering the talent involved, that doesn’t seem like much of a waste.” Ken Hanke, Mountain Xpress

“Big Momma has laid a gigantic egg.” John P. McCarthy, Boxoffice Magazine

“It only escapes a bomb rating because it’s more irritating than offensive -- like an ant crawling across a counter top rather than a roach roosting in the cereal box.” Matt Brunson, Creative Loafing

“Anyone with a funnybone should avoid what will surely be the worst film of 2011. Until the next Martin Lawrence movie, that is.” David Edwards, Daily Mirror [UK]

“Though more professionally made than its predecessors, it is just as lazily plotted, formulaic and insultingly stupid.” Christopher Tookey, Daily Mail [UK]

“The fat suit in this movie is a metaphor for the film itself. It’s awkward, grotesque, misshapen and full of ugly padding.” Kevin Carr , 7M Pictures

Special Festival of Cannes Films at Alliance Francaise
To celebrate the Cannes International Film Festival held in May, the Alliance Francaise puts on this mini-festival of six French movies that have all won awards at the world famous film shindig. The month long event kicks off with Au Cœur du Festival (Apr 20), a documentary that takes a backstage look at the premiere movie event held in the southern French resort town. That’s followed by the romantic drama Cyrano de Bergerac (Apr 27) featuring Gerard Depardieu as Cyrano, a man whose big nose forces him to turn to poetry to woo the beautiful Roxanne. Next up is Flandres (May 4) which follows a young man going off to war. Then it’s Van Gogh (May 11), a biopic of the famous painter. Clean (May 18) offers a change of pace with its tale about the girlfriend of a decadent rock star trying to start her life over after his sudden death. The mini-season comes to a close with Ridicule (May 25), a comedic take on the fantastical court of Louis XVI at Versailles during the 18th century. Screenings every Wednesday at 7.30pm. Free admission.

“Please. If you’re going to ask audiences to submit to a dim theater themselves, at least greet them with the proper monster they paid for.” Joshua Rothkopf, Time Out New York

“Vanishing on 7th Street feels like a classic in the making until we get to know the main characters.” Christian Toto, What Would Toto Watch?

“This is The Twilight Zone as written by Jean Paul Sartre. What audacity! What vision! And, alas, what a failure.” Tirdad Derakhshani, Time Out New York

“There are a few moments in the film that suggest just how a subtle, creepy version of that film might play. This is not that version.” Drew McWeeny, HitFix

“Clothes minus their bodies are strewn around a darkened world in a bizarre wardrobe malfunction, and kind of the opposite of airport body scanning. Though why none of these highly resourceful characters thought night vision goggles, is anybody’s guess.” Prairie Miller, NewsBlaze

“Disney’s animated film featured characters that were more alive and human than this live-action film.” Rebecca Murray, About.com

“This is Beauty and the Beast for the Twilight generation; they’ve paid for abs and sparkles, and they insist on getting their money’s worth.” Ed Gonzalez, Slant Magazine

“There is one good thing you can say about Beastly: The title perfectly sums up what you’ll see on screen.” Randy Cordova, Arizona Republic

“A kiss may cure the monster, but not even campy performances from Mary-Kate Olsen and Neil Patrick Harris can save this ugly snarl of cliches.” Peter Debruge, Variety

“Getting teens to look past the superficial may be a noble goal, but when they’re staring at the pretty but talentless Pettyfer, it’s a hard lesson to take seriously.” Sandie Angulo Chen, Washington Post