1. Pad macaroni

“With pad mug-ga-lo-nee, every effort must be taken not to undercook the pasta. (Al dente—what were they thinking?) Fresh tomatoes should be avoided in favor of ketchup, the sweeter and more translucent the better. You can achieve this state by watering the ketchup down and adding sugar and MSG.”


Credit: Biyu Lau (via Creative Commons)

2. Khao pad American

"Little sausages should be butterflied by skilled artisans to at least 1.5 inches, and deep-fried till an even shade of gray-pink."


 

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3. Tropical-heat 5-baht street sushi

“Must feature bite-size Angry Bird decoration, no discernable seafood and a tablespoon of creamy mayonnaise. Under no circumstances to be served under 35 degrees Celsius.”


4. Shibuya honey toast

“The white bread cube should be no less than 5 inches high. Ice cream to whipped cream ratio of 2:1. A single portion must serve a table of four ravenous schoolgirls, at least.”


 

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5. Larb salmon

“Making great use of Thailand’s vast reserves of wild salmon, this dish is designed to bring out the gorgeous pale flesh and thick white lines of the fish.”


6. Sticky rice burgers

“This late-night treasure should only be microwaved by multi-talented 7-Eleven cashiers. In the wrong hands the ‘bun’ and ‘meat’ may turn into unidentifiable mush. Only serve to drunk people.”


7. Cheesy tom-yum seafood pizza

“The extra layers of stringy cheese must balance out the fishy aroma of pre-frozen crabsticks. Avoid at all costs any fresh seafood.”


 

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8. Spaghetti pad kee mao

“Should be so spicy, greasy and salty as to be unapproachable to anyone not wearing a Chang singlet and already five beers down. Kaffir lime leaf and whole green peppercorns purely ornamental.”